Bare

So… I’ve never had a Brazilian.

I have many friends that have… I have friends that have trusted salons where they KNOW them like a regular a la “Norm” from Cheers that have repeatedly recommended where they frequent in order to get me to take the plunge.   But when I get my eyebrows waxed… and thusly tweased for the hairs that were missed… I cannot FATHOM what kind of tear jerking pain would emerge from a) a total stranger (most likely a woman) at close proximity to my lady parts b) HOT sticky wax being applied to said lady biology c) vigorous rubbing of a cloth strip against the hot sticky wax that is now slathered on to lady business by the hands of previously mentioned total stranger and d) la pièce de résistance – the quick, aggressive YANK of the cloth strip, with the hot sticky wax adhered thusly dispatching HUNDREDS of hairs in unison out of what is pretty much THE most sensitive part of me ever.  For years this scenario played out in my mind and ultimately I said -ummmmm no thanks.   But everyone raves about the results.  Smoothness, no snagginess, ease of … many functions… and of course the most powerful reason – the menfolk LOVE it.  Normally the last reason would have sufficed but with the regard I hold THAT part of me… i’d need more justification.

And then I didn’t.  I was tired of waiting for the right time (because I was told there was a specific time of month that you’re less susceptible to pain than others) or to find the right salon (I’d heard about a salon that used cold wax and instead of stripping it away they cracked it and it would miraculously and painlessly take away all your hairs  – yeah right).  So as I was sitting at my desk on Monday I said… you know what?  fuck it.  I stood up, put on my coat, grabbed my phone and announced to my girls that I had an appointment to attend.  All the while in my head there’s a grand debate going on “wait… is she really going to do it?”  “Um…  yeah… it looks like… it… has she lost her mind?”  “Have you really considered the consequences?  the repercussions?  the PAIN?”  I shook my head and cleared the thoughts like an etch-a-sketch and marched to the salon where I normally get my manicures and pedicures.   It’s as good a place as any.  They advertise Brazilians…  they make you pay for it…. they MUST know what they’re doing.  Plus… like… how many surgeries have I had?  And managed all of them w/o the use of morphine, Vicodin or Percoset?  And also too?  I pledged.   I can do this.

I walked into the boutique and they all greeted me and started out saying “spa pedicure”?  I looked the woman dead in the eye and said, “No… I? am here today for a Brazilian.”  *cue the tumbleweed and “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” Theme song.*  “A Brazilian?”, they echoed.  And I straightened up and said “yes.”  (all the while re thinking it like…. maybe this is my chance to say – noooooo… no really?  a spa pedicure is fine…”)  A shorter Latina woman emerged and said, “come with me” and I walked boldly to the back of the salon where the waxing rooms were.  I expected it to be this huge room (to allow for the spreading of longer legs and stirrups and well… I guess I was expecting a hospital operating room.  I mean… they’d need that much light and space and time and attention for something so critical…. right?  Nope.  It was a closet with a cot and a few accoutrements that they’d need to get the waxing done.  The same room they’d put me in to do the eyebrow waxing.  “Get undressed from the waist down,” she instructed me and left the room.  I figured… there is no going back now…

Naked from the waist down, she knocked on the door and asked if I was ready.  I said yes.  She reemerged and I immediately told her, “This is my first time….”  she smiled and said, “Okay, lay down…let’s see.”  I laid back and she propped my right leg to the side to spread the way and said… “Oh… this is your first time….?”  Um…  I thought I just said that.  I seem to have this problem with everyone.  For someone who HATES repeating her self and in this instance least of all.   “Yep… Never waxed before… shaved… but no wax.”   She nodded and smiled at me and said, “It’s only really painful here and here” as she touched the top portion where the “landing strip” would go and the sides where the meeting between my thighs and that area crease.  I thought to myself… you mean… like… the LIPS aren’t the most sensitive portion?  Yeah right.  You gotta be kidding me…

Laying there spread eagle after she shook a generous amount of baby powder all over the area her next interaction was with the hot wax on the little tongue depressor…  WHOA – I didn’t even see it coming.  It didn’t hurt but I was shocked by the warmth.  Then she laid the cloth strip down, rubbed her fingers hard against it and then reached for the loose end.  I knew what was next… the rip.  I tensed up a little bracing for what I knew would be the worst pain I’d ever felt. ZIP!…….  oh…  that wasn’t so bad.  I mean.  It hurt.  But it wasn’t white hot lingering pain.  More like… scraped my arm initial pain gone, now just the warmth of all the blood rushing there is present.   And according to her, she started with the more painful portion she pointed out so the rest might be cakewalky in comparison.  I mean… it was all sting inducing but nothing that made me think that I might bleed or suffer beyond the initial rip.  She chatted with me about Theeny – it was obvious that I’d had a child – but she thought the lateral incision was why – but I had to point out the bikini cut (which must have healed wonderfully because she didn’t even SEE it).  Then the question about why the lateral cut…  And we chatted through the rest.  It was relatively easy.  I did feel like she went over a few parts WAY m ore than she needed to.  But the end result… was one with which I was pleased.    Aside from being told not to use soap on the area for the next two days (that’s a big hell no – she doesn’t know me at all)  the only other little hangup was the sensation that all the wax wasn’t gone.  But that happens when I get my eyebrows done.  There’s something that stops them from getting it ALL off for some reason.

So there.  I did it.  Now if I find one of these other mythical places that do Brazilians, it might be a step up in experience… or not.  But I’ve done it at all.  Checking it off on my list of things to do in life!

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