I feel like in the many years of me blogging there have had to be at least 5 posts with this title. I struggle with this notion that whatever you put out to the world, to people should be reciprocated back to you somehow. If your intent is pore and heart is genuine then the conditions are perfect for some good karma. It’s truly not always the case. And really… waiting for it has been me standing aside people in my life who I think I deserve it from… but never getting it. Then feeling all levels of sad and dejected when they don’t. They get years of trials. Over and over and over I do what feels like present my heart to them and get a response tantamount to them slapping it out of my hands or giving me the once over before shrugging and turning their back on my request for reciprocity.
Will I ever learn that it isn’t coming? Why do I need it so desperately. Maybe… my intentions aren’t so pure.
Yesterday was the total eclipse. I missed it. I was driving. I took the day off to run around to several stores in preparations for Dîner En Blanc. Thankfully, Vic came with me. (There’s a source of reciprocity in my life.). When I realized the time I started to rush home to be with Athena when it happened. She was home not having camp or school. Just hanging with Gramma. So I was driving down Linden Blvd when it happened. Was an eerie sort of haze over the city. Like it was going to rain but didn’t. A strange squinty kind of light coming down. I expected it to get really dark but nope. Nothing like what I expected. The pumped up anticipation of what may happen and then… just doesn’t.
The solar system’s once over to me I guess.