21 Weeks 1 Day

This weekend, Earl and I celebrated our 4 Year Wedding Anniversary! We got married on president’s Day weekend then, so ever since, our anniversary has been able to be celebrated with a few extra days off. He treated me like a queen, despite the fact that he’d just had minor surgery on his knee to remove a floating body of soft bone. But he dolled up, picked me up from work in the car, brought me flowers, wined me and dined me at our favorite restaurant, bought me a video game I’d been talking about for a long while and just… doted on me (us). I’m aware a huge part of this all is because of the baby and I don’t mind being the recipient of all this love and attention till she gets here. He’s so overjoyed about this little girl… I am too – but HE? is beside himself. This is all he’s ever dreamed of — to be a daddy to someone that depends on him. He didn’t have that for any span of time. His father is a monster now as he was a monster then – yet and still, his one complaint was that the man wasn’t THERE to be his dad. So this is a huge retribution in so many ways. I’m just in awe as I watch this dream unfold for him.

As for me, I’m watching my belly go up and down in size… Some days, I look REALLY fully… other days, I wonder if I’m preggers. I hear that it could be because of gas or bloating; the baby shifting movements, the movement of my uterus… any number of reasons. All of which are extremely comforting because I didn’t want to think smaller belly = sick baby. Went for the OB / Perinatal combo again last week. Asked the OB why their outlook is so much rosier than the Perinatologist. She stopped short of calling them alarmists… but basically said they are looking for much more subtle changes while the OB is looking for general things – general size, presence of enough fluid, movement, protein in urine and weight gain. Which is why their ultra sound is 2 minutes tops. Where as at the perinatologist, they take 2 or three anatomy scans, they examine the positioning and integrity of the placenta, growth percentiles, etc. So when they find things wrong there, they work to correct them. I can appreciate all of that. The scan at the perinatologist put her back in the 51st percentile as far as growth is concerned, but the OB assured me what I read a few weeks ago was accurate. Anywhere between 90 and 10 is fine. That’s a big range – and in hind sight, she only “drifted” a few percentage points anyhow.

Mommy Cora came to the OB appointment and Aunt Ena came to the Perinatologist. The little one was kicking up a storm to show mommy but it was brief and she related so much to it being Earl. She kept nudging him in the ribs like “that was you!” At the perinatologist, during the very extreme and detailed scan, we heard sniffling… Auntie Ena was crying. She was so overwhelmed by the glory of this miracle moving and shifting and growing inside. She was so overjoyed.

Got me to start thinking about how much I wish my mom, grandma and dad were here to see. I know they can see from afar… but… I wish my mommy could be here. So I got to crying too. When they tech asked why I was crying (because I hadn’t up until this point) I blamed it on Ena. LOL I’ve become so stoic in life lately… nothing moves me. I though the last thing that would ever move me so profoundly was the death of my parents. I’ve never experienced ANY emotion so completely. I fear sometimes that I’m blocking out the joy and natural emotionality that I would normally experiencing during a pregnancy because of my apprehension to “feel” too much. I keep thinking, once I feel her… I think I’ll be a little puddle of tears. But I’ve not felt anything yet. I know she’s in there. But… I haven’t fully connected yet, other than to try to take the best care of myself in order for her to have the best chance.

Fibroids. The mere word makes me want to spit. I hate them. I hate them with every ounce of my being. And their back. 4 of them. Growing with my sweet pea. Doctor tells me that they’re outside the womb and not impeding her development at all. Even suggested that I don’t bother taking them out after the pregnancy and just watch and wait. Those words are always scary to me… “watch and wait” is how I got to a 22 week pregnant sized belly full of that garbage before last year’s surgery. two of them are on my left side and I feel them prominently when my belly is good and full. And I hate them. I don’t want them to crush my baby or stunt her growth in any way. HATE. FIBROIDS.

Milk?? Already?? So I found a little alone time… *wink wink nudge nudge* and since sex is the furthest thing from Earl’s mind right now (he never was a wild one, but even more so distant because of fears of “hurting” the baby) I do a lot of self servicing. I placate myself by remembering I read somewhere that the baby feels the euphoria of said release. So I don’t go overboard, but I don’t starve myself either. Anyway… this last time, I was getting it done… and near the climax, I felt something wet on my shirt… I was wearing a light colored shirt and there was this patch of wetness over my right nipple…… MILK?? it was odorless and ultimately dried colorless… but FREAKED ME OUT!!! I don’t even LIKE milk… the fact that it’s coming out of my body is like… WHOA… I later googled that oxytocin is known to bring down the milk at times and wouldn’t you know it? You make a bunch of that stuff when you climax. So now? I’m all weirded out about doing THAT.

Something tells me I’ll get over it  That’s all for these weeks… More updates soon!

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