Categories: aspirations, dreams, esteem, figuring it out
“Can’t keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue tied and twisted
Just an earth bound misfit, I.”
-Pink Floyd – Learning to Fly

I was talking with JB this evening about my desire to fly but it always translates into my fear of falling. Nothing gives me more excitement than the idea of soaring through the skies. Unassisted. When I’m in a plane it’s a very generic kind of scrubbed version of what I want. I remember being 12 on my first and only trip to Disneyworld in Florida. There was one ride they had up there called (ironically) “Learn to Fly” and it was these massive dome-shaped movie screens with trams running through them, and they screens were so all encompassing that you’d swear if you focused on nothing else around you, you were truly flying. It was that first gasp at a dive into a valley during that movie that I’ve since not been able to recapture my breath. Although the fear is real for me of the dangers of it all… the beauty of the flight has always intrigued me. I stared for extended periods of time at photos of Jenny and Sug’s flights… just envious that I haven’t mustered up the guts yet. But JB thinks I should do it before I “have kids and my maternal instinct for preservation kicks in”. He’s right. Maybe on my next trip to Nevada. I hope I don’t chicken out.

I put entirely too much promise into this most recent Mega Millions Jackpot that they drew at 11 PM this evening. I had convinced myself through out the day that perhaps because I’m not a habitual gambler, and maybe because the powers that be might have mercy on me and my situation… and since for most of my friends, I’m the one they would want to see win the lotto because they KNOW I’d hit them off… I held my single ticket in hand imagining huge plans for my soon to be won money. I thought of the kind of impeccable health care that I would get for my parents and by the time the wedding was on, they’d be like young folks again. I imagined how I’d hire people to come into this apartment, and aside from the things we deemed valuable… BURN EVERYTHING. And start anew. How I’d leave my job with GLEE and never come back. Not even to visit. How I’d hire my own personal chef and trainers who would basically live with me the next few years to make sure that I’m in tip top shape for my wedding (and for life in general). How I’d buy buildings and renovate and suddenly be a help to all mankind… *sigh* I had one number on the ticket. Just one. that really never yields much. But… I did discover that I could dream of big things and not feel silly about the size of my dream. Like flying…



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