Time is starting to slow down again.
In the first trimester, it would go SOOOO SLOWLY – mostly because every moment is riddled with anxiety and nervousness and fear about if you’ll make it through to the 2nd trimester. 2nd trimester goes by at a normal pace. You’re worrying WAY less… you’ve managed to let off some steam by letting people know the good news (and bad because now you can be all sorts of sick and anxious w/o feeling self conscious). But then the ramp up to the big show begins. The 3rd trimester is just out of touch and I feel that I’ve been at this 25 / 26 week mark now for about 3 weeks. LOL It’s in my nature to rush things along… I guess ever since I was a little child, plaguing my mom with questions about what it’s like to be a grown up and what it would be like to have my period and what it would be like to get married and move out and have a job and not be in school anymore. You would think by now that I’d have the time and patience to just wait for stuff. Trop presse pas fait jour l’ouvrie. I know mommy. I’m learning to be more patient.
I had a SERIOUS bout of missing her last night. My dear sweet godsend of a hubby decided it was time to “tackle the office” – he’s not a pack rat. AT ALL. But I am. And he witnessed how bad it can get by having to help my parents through their packrat-ism. Or at least my mom. Dad wasn’t so bad with his… but he also wasn’t as willing as Earl to help mom dig out. So every month or so, he dedicates a good amount of time to helping me dig out of my own paper grave. The office has been stacked up with stuff for a while. Originally, we were going to clear it out to make room for a nursery. But we cannot, no matter what we do, control the temperature in that half of the apartment. So the nights that it’s cold… our little baby would freeze. And summer nights, she would bake to death. So we’ll have her in our bedroom until we move out. But he wanted the office to be clear because as my belly gets bigger – it’s MUCH harder for me to scrunch over and do the freelance work I need to do over my computer. So he dug out the space around my old computer (did a FANTASTIC job) but in the process unearthed some more memories that I wasn’t quite ready to see yesterday. A small white envelope that has seen it’s share of wear and tear. On the outside in crude black marker it exclaimed “To My Mother: The Maker Of ME” This was obviously one of my many exercises in learning to write… so I had to be about 5 or 6 years old. In my brief homemade thank you card written on a 3 x 5 piece of index card in blue pen I thanked for all that she’d done for me: “making me, giving me life, buying my toys” and professed that she “made life so satisfying” and that I loved her. (silly me with my big words). I broke down. This is the reason I don’t give cards anymore. It seems terrible of me.
When grandma died and we had to go through her apartment, there was a huge envelope – you know for those absurdly large greeting cards that they sell at Hallmark. We’d given her one of those through the years. But inside that envelope was ANY AND EVERY CARD my brother, my mom and I had ever given the woman. And in all the years of writing these cards, I never thought for ONE MINUTE that I’d be taking them back. It warmed my heart to know that they meant so much that she kept them all (i mean ALL of them). But it hurt too profoundly to have to reclaim them.
So i cried for a good while yesterday, missing mommy with all my heart. Wishing she was here. I had way less lonely moments when she was around because she was always available to just chat about nothing.. or let me listen to her watch tv. But this bottomless feeling is just without resolve. At the end of the tears and the feeling sorry for myself and the wishing I could call her – there’s no resolution. I’m still without her and always will be, no matter how many tears or breath taking sobs. No amount of pain I’ll feel will revive her … or wake me out of this reality where she’s actually still here with me. And every day, more of her shows up in me that I can’t control; good things… bad things. All her.
2 more weeks until the 3rd trimester. Maybe I’ll learn to slow down and document everything happening so that I can regale the little one with tales of her arrival and focus less on the pain and sadness.