My daughter asked me if I’ll be updated ThoughtsDaughter. I told her I would. I wondered why she asked. Maybe she’s been reading. All good either way. Here’s me sticking to my promise.
I was holding it together for the last… 48 hours and the thought crossed my mind…
Does anyone get saved?
Will anyone get the white horse rescue and ride off into the sunset?
Will someone dig up the forgotten mob millions in their basement and make off like a bandit never to be found again?
Who finds the pot at the end of the rainbow?
I’m feeling like it’s DEFINITELY NOT ME… and I’m not sure why.
But then I was looking at my MIL’s life… and man, she drew the short stick in a LOT of ways also. And as much as I’d like to say she doesn’t see it that way… I KNOW she does.
One of my most beautiful and successful friends is getting mediocre treatment from someone she’s settled for in life… She ABSOLUTELY gets to have more… but isn’t.
But then I’m watching seriously mediocre style people get the lion’s share of the promises fulfilled. Is THAT what this plain of existence is supposed to “teach” us? And even then… WHAT EXACTLY IS THE LESSON??? Should I have tried LESS hard? Cared less about the outcome? I can only pinpoint A MILLION THINGS that might have been nicer / better to make me a different person that just… didn’t happen. And I had to navigate the pathways to a “success” path that was chosen for me… how did i get HERE???? Nothing about here is what I was prepared to do. Groomed to do. I am MISERABLE (with the exception of my dear loving daughter -but I can’t pressure her with being my only light. That isn’t fair.)
That’s all. That’s the message. I am NOT the “chosen”. I don’t really believe that there are chosen anymore.