I could have sworn I’ve written about him more, but I guess I haven’t. I scoured the pages of my blog for his reference but really only found two. The Chocolate Doctor. The apparition that has materialized in my dreams a number of times. When he shows up in the dream, I INSTANTLY know who he is. But he doesn’t come often. Once every few years… And I’m not sure why. Maybe to remind me what that giddy love feeling is like. Maybe to make sure I don’t forget that he’s out there in the folds of time and I might get to meet him one of these lives. To assure me that THAT particular Alternate Reality Vicky is well taken care of… she found him and they’re good. Well – that last reason was solid until last night.
In this dream, I was in Las Vegas. Very obviously there – although I never went all the way outside the establishments. But it was definitely casino. Definitely arrid / tropic. Definitely packed. I was there for some kind of convention. Felt like… a medical convention. And there was a lot going on. People hanging out. At one point I was pledging a line of girls coming through my UG… (not sure how that fit in but *shrugs*). Night 3 of the convention I’m sitting in the casino at a slot machine sipping my drink and about to take another pull at the lever when I feel a presence come up from behind me. He overshadowed me… enveloped me. He placed his hands on my bare shoulders (was wearing a sleeveless tank dress) and slid them down the length of my arm to my elbows as he leaned in to say, “Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you….” Without turning around, I closed my eyes and replied, “I wasn’t sure that you were coming to this conference. Should I come to your room or you to mine?” He whispered in my ear, “I’m here alone this time. We can luxuriate in my suite together all night. Come to me…”
Then my daughter woke me up. It was the 1st in about 4 times she would systemically wake me up to remind me that it’s mother’s day and I get to sleep in late. LOL.
I tried to go back to sleep to finish this conversation because… could it be?? Could my chocolate doctor have paired up with / married someone else… and now my Alternative Vicky is just his side piece at conferences? That wasn’t how it was supposed to be… They were supposed to be together and be happy. Maybe I’m having a glimpse into yet another iteration of realities… and if so – I don’t want any more peeks into that world. That literally broke my heart this morning and I don’t know what to make of it. I know it sounds irrational, but I’ve convinced myself that that floating image that comes to visit me every now and again – maybe he represents my undying romanticism. My unshakeable belief that there is pure, wholesome, real love out there to be shared between two people who definitely love each other and they can withstand anything.
But after reading Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs both by Esther Perel, I can rest assured that there’s actually no such thing and there never will be. That notion can go the way of the fairy tales. And it’s probably best that way – makes it easier for me to knuckle up and deal with the one reality. This one here. And all that’s going into it.
I hope my Alternative Vicky knows better by now.