Resisting Mutation

Categories: esteem, family, fear, figuring it out

Strangely enough in my recent status, I’m in my seriously anti-marriage / anti-married people state. Married folks confuse me. I was saying to Blink today that I don’t have one couple that I can seriously call my exemplary couple. Everyone that was exemplary to me at once ended up separating or I found out they were lying about being so happy. Seems to me that every single last one of the married people I know are down right miserable. And I sit and think to myself, what would be the thing that drives me and my baby to hate each other on a regular basis? What would be that one aching sore that would constantly pus and burst from the slightest look or ill tuned word?┬áMaybe I already know what it is. Maybe it’s already festering and boiling…

B suggested that maybe my parents are my guide. But my worst nightmare is to end up like my mom. In a transient love… where he’s great one day and for 3 or 4 months he cares for friends more. Where he’ll take some other woman’s kids out to the park while our kids fester in a locked up apartment while I work 2 jobs to support everyone. Where he makes me wait on him hand and foot, but shoves me aside to take care of his own needs before mine. To be repulsed by him so much that I spend mornings pinching and hitting him because i despise him so much. To wear a wedding band on my finger that I had to buy because he was too cheap to EVER buy one for me and never bothered to rectify that even when it CRACKED IN HALF AND CUT MY FINGER EVERY DAY. Who enslaves me for 35 years to never have friends around me because it made HIM feel insecure. Who ruined my son’s self-esteem by never uplifting him and made my daughter feel like he was never approachable enough to include in her daily life. Who made me wonder what i did so wrong that I deserved THIS for my life.

No… that’s not my model. There must be something better waiting down the road for me and my baby. I have to MAKE it so.



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