Last Night on my own… for now.
Mom and dad come back tomorrow. And I’m relieved. I kinda feel like I’ve been holding my breath until they come back in some kind of show of maturity and ability. But I’m good to exhale now. If for no other reason then a resolution to my fear. I’m horribly nervous in this space and it’s clutter.
My brother has implied that I’m nesting. I can’t clog my mind with thoughts of motherhood just to find out that it’s business as usual. I remember the last time I had a “false” alarm. I was just devastated. Not like I’m ready, though. So I need to slow my roll. My heart has been racing at night and I wonder if it’s because it’s beating for two. I need to find out soon. We’ll see for next week.
My skin is crawling. I’m so tired but not sleepy… I’m fidgety. I watched a movie with my brother tonight on accident called “The Waking Life“. I really enjoyed this movie because it spoke to that part of my brain that LOVES a mental challenge. I love to pontificate on problems that have never had any resolution and attempt to find one. I can’t say that there are that many people I feel could I could match wits with. A lot of folks out there aren’t concerned with the existential. Max and Sug are down with me… and my brother. I don’t think I really revealed the Camus in me to anyone else.