Day 19: thought I quit, huh?

Nope.

Seems like the only thing I quit was blogging for a second.  But here I am.  Done with the initial Clean Start Program (14 days of raw fruits and veggies and supplements)  Now I’m on day 5 of the Paracleanse (parasite cleanse) which is pretty brutal.  I’ve been reading on Curezone how folks on parasite cleanses really examine their stool.  I’m not about that life.  Sorry.  I’ll just need to trust that something is coming out because regular is just not the right word to describe how thorough everything has been.  I feel great though.  I’m down by 20lbs, so it’s like a pound a day which is alright by me.  Like I said, I know a LOT of it was water weight, but I’m glad it’s off of me.  I feel amazing internally and I think it’s starting to show on the outside.

Food cravings have scaled back a bit.  As I’ve gotten more adept to putting the right things in my salads and seasoning them just so, I want a deep batter fried cheesy burger less and less.  I had a salad yesterday that made me wanna slap myself.  It was GOOD.  Not an ounce of animal protein.  Just veggies and a ROCKIN’ dressing.  More and more I’m thinking about what I’ll do when the program is over.  How I don’t WANT to go back to my old friends Wendy and the Colonel and the like.  So I’ve decided that during the weekdays I’ll keep everything as I’ve been doing it.  More fruits and veggies than anything.  Maybe the occasional lean meat (preferrably fish, chicken and turkey; no reds) and I’ll leave Saturdays and Sundays to be my “cheat” days with one allowable cheat meal per day.  So that can allow for a brunch to be in there or a diner burger with some fries.  I think if I continue on that path, it can be a healthier life in general.

Went to the doctor and all my labs came back fine which made me feel great.  Of course my iron was on the low side of normal so I gotta get more iron into the supplements somehow.  But it’s refreshing to hear that despite how bad I felt and worried I am to make sure I extend this life, this amazing machine is chugging along.  I just am trying to get myself to a more attractive looking machine so Theeny has a mommy she’s proud to walk down the street with.

More change to come… more progress… I’m proud of me.  A lot of times I thought I might fold, but Earl helped me hold steady.  Bless him.  Cause I sure nuff chewed him out on some bs sometimes on GP that I was REALLY hungry and wanted BADNESS.  But he helped to see me this far.  Hopefully I can make it all the way out.   I had to stop by the Trini women at Greenleaf today to show that I’m still alive.  I used to get my “regular” breakfast from them every morning – 2 eggs, bacon & cheese on a toasted roll with butter and a large hazelnut coffee with milk.  So since fasting I had to cut them cold turkey.  They asked one of my co-workers yesterday if I’d been fired.  LOL  I felt so bad that I stopped by this morning to show them I was still around and not dead or unemployed.  They were genuinely happy to see me.  It made me feel so good.

Lots of good feelings!

*

Day 5: Add an all liquid day to that…

So I’m having a colonoscopy tomorrow so today to push the all fruit and veggie fast I’ve been doing through the damned envelope, I’ve had an all liquid diet all day.  I did really well I think.  Had countless glasses of water and for lunch I had the broth from some wonton soup.  Now I’m on this bowel prep and I’ve never felt so EMPTY.  All I can think about is how hungry I am.

The interesting / insightful thing to all of this is that the KINDS of food I’m thinking about eating aren’t the ones that I would normally sit and have for my meals.  I didn’t eat HORRIBLY… I stopped being as active ore eating as regularly.  I admit the last 4 months after the baby, I’ve gotten in chummy with the fast foods.   But aside from that, I try to pick healthy stuff.  Lean things.  But those aren’t the things I’m craving now in the fast.   Now? I want all the fatty amazingness that probably got me to the size I am.   It’s really just got me thinking about what I eat… how I eat… when I eat it and if I really want to keep going down that path.

I cheated a little yesterday, admittedly.  I had some wilted spinach and a baked potato with butter.   I know… I rationalized that I was going to do the bowel prep today and it would clean me out anyways  but… i gotta tell you… that little bit of something carried me right through today when I was drinking nothing but water.

Okay… on to day 6 and the colonoscopy *shudder*

*

Day 2 – Cleansing Fast…

Well… Day 2.

I didn’t find myself to be as hungry as I imagined. But I’m not doing a dry fast.  I’m still ingesting fruits and veggies.  I saw a video series of a woman who did a 60 day water fast *faints*.  That’s seems like doing the MOST.  The results were pretty impressive.  In 60 days she lost about 50 lbs.    No word on whether she kept it off.  But you can see for yourself:

yeah… she smacks her ass a lot… dunno…

I drank lots of water.  Took all my supplements.  Suppressed the wishing it was day 14 already (not for any one particular reason – because I’ll still be fasting.

Tomorrow, I will join the gym downstairs from my job and get this POPPIN’ for REAL.

Okay.  Sleep time.

*

Day 1: 2012 = It’s a New Dawn

Happy New Year!!!

Well, last year definitely was one for the books.  So much goodness came out of that year.  So many realizations.  So much growing into my own skin.  Of course the highlight is the birth of my sweet baby daughter.  My first born.  The miracle I’d almost given up on.  She has come to life and transformed me.  This entire post … nay the entire blog can be about the ways she’s saved me.  And it will be.  But today’s blog will be about this new year right here.  There’s much to be accomplished and so little time (well… that’s not fair – we get a whole extra day this year LEAP!)

I want to focus on some keys here:

1)  LOSE AT LEAST 60 LBS – yeah.  60.  it’s gotten that bad.  They weighed me at the doctor and I was mortified.  I really let it all go after the baby.  I actually looked GREAT after I had her – for those first 2 months… i was moreso slender than I’d been prior to the pregnancy.  Then I went back to work… and it all went down hill.   Wendy, Ronald, Popeye, Papa John and the Colonel to name a few became regular household visitors… and the weight just piled and piled and piled.  That’s enough now.  With folks around me dying at 42… at 32…  at 27….   I have more reason than ever to try to extend this life for this little girl.  A 65 yr old endpoint isn’t an option AT. ALL.

2)  SET DOWN THE CAREER PATH – there’s some stuff taking place that lets me know that this is the last (or may be the 2nd to last) place I ever work “for”.  The path needs to be laid out that i will work for myself and benefit MY family.  I’ve been saying it for a while, but I’m moreso ready than ever.  I gotta make it happen for me.

3) WORK ON THE SON – while there are many smaller steps to this one, I need to get my mind and body ready to birth my 2nd child.  I am putting it into the universe to give me a son.  Because if I can have my boy and my girl, I will quietly go to Dr. Kofinas and tell him to pull the whole system OUT.   I’ll be done for real.

4) HOME – there will be somewhere I can call “HOME” … a house of our own… no one living above or below.   Us as owners and to follow our own thoughts and rules. PERIOD.  This is a ONE YEAR PLAN… and needs to be.

Those are the pivotals.  And I’ll figure out the sub to-dos in the coming weeks, while I’m pining away for some meat or fish LOL  But if I can make it through this 30 day fast…. I believe that this year will be all I can make it and more.  I just have to show myself that I have the will, courage and steadfast ability to get it done.

Day one of the fast … well… yeah.  This morning, I “cheated” – not really a cheat cause I hadn’t started the fast yet.  Wanted to end it with a good remembrance.  So we went to the diner and had one last hurrah.  That was holding me over pretty good.  So the thoughts of the fast didn’t phase me.  “I can do this.”  “All I have to do is have alternatives to the crap I’d eat ready to go and I won’t stray.”  This evening around 9PM with a fridge full of bananas, pears, apples, V8 and water i craved HARD for some buttered popcorn.  Doesn’t seem so bad.  But this fast calls for raw veggies and fruits for 14 days at least.  The thought of just one kernel of popcorn melting in my mouth overtook me.  I used all of my innate lawyer skills to lobby FOR the idea of making the bag of popcorn to my husband who stood firm against the crashing waves of my desire.  (Thank GOD for him)  I resigned myself to drinking the whey protein drink that goes with this fast and that held me over.  And then I had a pear and made it my bitch and ate the hell out of it.  Now I sit here assessing how I feel and wonder if I’ll ever stop being hungry.   I didn’t realize it was this bad.  But I can’t go back to the way I was eating before.   I literally FELT my system being gummed up.  As I was telling my Icy this morning – I feel stuffed like a doll.  That has to change… post haste.  So… I’ll have to get used to this hunger feeling.  And maybe as a result… also get used to the feeling of really LIKING what and who I see in the mirror.  My mother-in-law did everything short of raising her hands up in a hallelujah when I announced that my fasting started today.  Man.  *smh*

So Day 1… more like day .75 down.  29.25 days to go.

*

Used To

“Just a trace of your existence to grasp” – Mariah Carey Vanishing

I’m making this list so that I can be fully reminded how I got here and why.

You used to BRING me flowers.  You thought sending them was so impersonal.
You used to invite me to events to be with you / to be seen with you.
You used to see me several times a week because you wanted to.
You used to invite me to stay the night.
You used to marvel at the new things that you’d learn about me after knowing me so long.
You used to LOVE when I laid my head on your shoulder when we would drive – you decided to marry me one day while I did that.
You used to get goosebumps from my touch / kiss because it was special.  Now it happens because it’s rare.
You used to wear that rare cologne for me because you knew it would drive me crazy.
You used to ask me to dance in our living room.
You used to make a huge deal out of my birthday because you knew that my birthday was a huge deal for me.
You used to have stars in your eyes when you’d see me.
You used to wrap your hands around my waist and pull me close and kiss me and make me feel like a little girl in love
You used to light candles and put on music before we made love.
You used to make love to me.
You used to ask me what I liked and disliked.
You used to share decisions with me instead of making coming to a consensus so hard that I would just acquiesce.
You used to hold my hand walking down the street.
You used to hold my hand driving in the car.
You used to sneak peeks at my blog and my facebook to know what I was thinking and call me on it cause you cared.
You used to encourage my poetry and my singing.
You used to care profoundly when I cried.
You used to offer to pick me up / drop me off from or to anywhere.
You used to want to impress me.
You used to wake me with kisses.
You used to wake me with music.
You used to fear losing me.
You used to fight for us.
I used to have your name in a separate folder on my IM list called “My Love”
I used to melt when you’d say my name.
I used to feel extra giddy coming down Midwood to your house, knowing I’d be in your arms.
I used to get all turned on from the sight of those arms and chest and neck and back and legs…
I used to feel so good about how smooth your skin is and how privileged I was to touch it.
I used to feel that extra grace was shared with me to find a love this strong because I’d messed up so many other times that I’d be forsaken.
I used to be able to talk to you about anything.
I used to be amazed at your math skill.  I told you it was what turned me on about you from the beginning.
I used to feel that I was really a catch for you.
I used to think of you first for all the things I wanted to go out and do and see and experience.
I used to consider you before we even dated… just regarded you from afar and wondered if we could work.
I used to stare at you and it made you uncomfortable.  But you were just that beautiful to me… and I couldn’t believe you were mine.
We used to be the couple that everyone envied and I didn’t question their judgement.
We used to make plans together of the fun things we would do
We used to explore the world together and discover new things.
We used to have genuine fun together.
We used to make each other laugh hearty belly laughs.
We used to like being together and looking forward to it.
We used to fall asleep together on the couch and enjoy cuddling.
We used to dream about the family we’d make.
We used to want to grow old together.
*

The Need for My Care

<RANT>

Sometimes… it is all about me.

In my own head, it used to be.  I used to know that if I didn’t think of me, that no one else really would.  So I had to MAKE SURE that at the very least?  I thought about me.  It’s the libra in me.  I’m constantly caring about other… sometimes I’d love for someone else to know how I’m feeling.  How life is treating me.  What I want out of this life.  What are the things that make me happy.  What are the things that make me sad… you know… stuff like that.

But what I find is happening increasingly is this… general lack of concern about how I feel.  About where I fit in.  About my general place in the world.

I am very  much feeling myself disappear a la Back to the Future.   I am feeling myself really being defined as an ancillary character in someone else’s main plot when I most CERTAINLY was the main character in my own life.

I make it a habit to ask the people around me if they are happy…. and if there is anything I can do to be making them happier.  What shocks me most is the lack of reciprocation in said question.  On some “thanks for asking” and keep it moving.  Well… what ABOUT me??  who besides me will ever care about ME and what I’d like?

Me, I guess.

So I’ll list a few things here that I feel, care about, wish for, miss, hate, like very much and that pertain to me wholly.  Whether anyone else gives a shit or not at this point is beyond me.  I give a shit.

I adore my daughter.
No, it does NOT bring me joy to see thousands of pictures of her playing with other people while I work extremely hard to make sure that she wants for nothing.
Yes, I want DESPERATELY to be “brought home” so that I can be her MOTHER and everyone else a bit part player.  I AM NOT LOVING being a supporting role in her life.  A walk on.  An extra.
I hate the confusion at my job right now. It is upsetting me.  I don’t like uncertainty and I’m tired of going through these processes at the places I work.  I would like some stability please.  For at LEAST 3 years before boats go a-rocking
I don’t like the family car.  Having my own car gave me a sense of individuality. I was able to tailor it to what I wanted it to be.  With me being solely responsible for it, it felt like there was something in this world that was truly mine.  This family car sucks… the horn works intermittently and it’s always dusty.  I haven’t melded with it the way I did with Deez.  I miss her.  I miss the “road trip” feeling I got when I got into that car.  I fear it’ll never come back.
I miss being desired.  I miss feeling like the most wanted and beautiful person in SOMEONE’s life.  I miss being chased after.  I miss being caught.  I miss making LOVE.  I miss being fucked.  I miss feeling like a WOMAN.
I hate thinking I have to hate the way I look.  I like my body.  I understand that this world is built for skinny people.  But I love my fullness.  I don’t like that it means that I may potentially die before everyone else.  But I think I’m fierce when I see myself in the mirror in the mornings.  I wish other people felt that way instead of looking at me like they want to offer me some advice.
I miss my mom.  I miss my grandma.  I miss my dad. I miss that undeniable sense of family that I used to have all the time.  The knowing that there were some folks in this world that UNCONDITIONALLY were loving me back.  I miss there feeling like there is a forcefield of protection around me fostered by my family.  I hate that the family is so segmented.  I hate that they all want to blame me for why we don’t speak anymore.  Phones work two ways.  I can’t ALWAYS be the one reaching out.   I hate that in my mind I have to kill those people off so the thought of how they’re treating me without ever interacting with me won’t keep hurting me.
I miss the fun that used to be associated with my sorority.  I miss the TRUE fellowship.  I miss that deep sisterhood.  I hate that I pay them to stress me out yearly.  I hate that they act like they give me a paycheck for the things I do.  I hate that they’ve taken away the little silly stuff that meant a LOT.  I’m really glad that I milked my experience for all that I could while I could and have great memories because I don’t believe I’ll make anymore like that to keep me going for much longer.
I hate feeling like I am disappearing.  It is the feeling that makes me feel MOST like my mom.  I know she hated her life if it weren’t for a few things.  I LOVE LIFE… I have to get back to that everyday.
I miss discovering new music that made me wonder what else there was out in the world beyond what I know.  That made me want to travel and meet new people and explore new experiences.  Everything sounds the same these days
I hate feeling put upon.  Everyone WANTS something.  No one cares what I want.
I hate that I need to drink to feel high these days.  I used to get that feeling just by living my life. (and drinking LOL)
I never felt more beautiful than when I was pregnant with Athena.  It was the very first time in my life I didn’t have to worry about my tummy poking out of my clothes.  It was actually welcome.  It was a serious denoument after her birth to go back to being criticized instead of celebrated.
I hate that I think my baby doesn’t know me.  She takes time to recognize me still sometimes.  (mostly when she’s tired).  But still… I want to feel like… her MOTHER… no higher title. the word for God on the her lips until she can learn other wise.  Not because i want to control her or dominate her… but because I remember the comfort of having someone like that on earth with me.

Well… that’s it for now.  I think I’ve made space in my head for some new thoughts.  I would normally insert the promise here to blog more.  But I just don’t care right now.

And that’s real.

</RANT>

*

So Natural

Everything about this feels … easy.
Loving her.  Caring for her. Being with her.

That’s life.
That’s the life I’ve been waiting for.
Praying for.
And I’ve just eased right in… Like I’ve always been doing this.
And it feels so right and so natural that anything but this?

feels foreign.

Laying there to nap with her and we breathe;
Sitting and cooing with her is instinctual.
Feeding her and feeling her caress my hand
Even the silly grin on her face when it’s time to change her.
All feels like this is where I’ve always belonged.
She knows me better than anyone ever has.
Inside and out.

This is the life.

The one I was waiting for.
I want for nothing more…

Well…

Maybe….

to do it all again next year….

I am a Rock. I am an Island.

As I look at the happenings in my world these days I am understanding my dad more and more.  Strange that I should.  I’ve ALWAYS identified more with my mom than he.  But there are things that can only be reviewed by the adult mind of a parent when thinking back on ones childhood to make sense.   I remember not fully understanding my mother’s pain when my dad died.  This man who emotionally seemed to hold her down all our lives.  Made her feel bad about herself.  Dalliances with other women.  Never lending to the vision of them moving out of the “hood”.  I guess back then we saw it as being liberated.  Then I got married and lived with Earl.  It really was one thing to date him and see him often and what not.  Living with someone and calling that person your lifemate really changes things.  After only months of marrying and living together, I started to see him as an extension of me and I an extension of him.  There was a comfort-ability there I’d only achieved with blood family.  He saw the whole of me.  Not just the prettied up me that folks got to see when I came outside; but the dull, boring, possibly annoying, home body me.  And loved me anyway.  He became a better friend to me in marriage than we had been dating.   I thought on how I’d feel after a year of being married if he’d died… and my heart sunk so hard….  It’s only then I thought… well then… how about 38 years?  Even if it wasn’t all bliss all the time… the routine alone has something to say for missing a lost loved one.  Of course I only came to that realization after she too had gone… not too long after telling us she really didn’t have anything to live for.  That burnt a hole in my heart… and I’m not quite sure I’ll get to the point in my world where I’ll understand that commentary.  I hope I never do.

But back to understanding my dad.  All my life, Daddy was this… lofty ideal…  I couldn’t put a stamp on who he was or what he was.  He was there… he worked hard.  But he found so much more enjoyment outside the house.  So much so that he’d come home and I suppose be reminded of all the things he was running to the outside to get away from.  Family. Responsibility.  Rigamarole.  At least… that’s what I thought.  But living here now… the ONLY person in the whole edifice that doesn’t share a blood line with anyone else but the brand new baby… I’m understanding my father more.  Growing up, we were literally SURROUNDED by my mother’s family.  All the aunts and uncles we met and knew were my mom’s brothers and sister.  Grandma that raised us was her mom.   Only living Grandpa was her dad.  Countless cousins that surrounded us were from her side of the family – be it Grandpa Osmin’s family or Granny’s side.  I would sometimes wonder where Dad’s family was – but they were mostly all in Haiti still.  The ones that did come visit – my cousin Marlene and my uncle Gabriel – i remember with fondness.  Maybe mostly because they made an effort to come up and be a part of the family.  To get to know us in some way.  By the time his sister, my aunt Yvonne, moved up and lived with us for sometime, I was already grown – an adult so it didn’t really matter to me and I considered her presence more of an inconvenience because she got my room and I had to sleep in the living room for the length of her stay.  But while I was being raised I remember mom’s family coming to live with us for months at a time as they made their exodus to the Americas.  As a kid I thought nothing of it.  It was fun.  More family… more stuff to do and people to talk to.  But now I think about my dad…. cornered. In a house full of “family” that wasn’t his family.  His only relation was to those little rug rats running around.  No family in the city… state… country…  No one who knew him from before he was a husband or a dad or an American, even.  Just his wife’s family.  And their chatter.  And their ways.  And their togetherness, which you seem to be perpetually outside of.  None of them understand how stuff was done when he was growing up in his particular household.  His father had passed when he was just 11 and they had to make it happen w/o an adult male presence in the household.  Dad had to learn how to cook so he could help his mom.  Being the youngest and the only survivor between he and his twin, he loved his mom extra much.  Shit.  We barely felt it when his mom died and he traveled down to Haiti alone to bury her.   How alone he must’ve felt in that realm.

The lonesomeness wouldn’t be so bad if when I did reach out to family, it was well received.  But they all sit there on their high horses all talking about “YOU don’t call.  YOU don’t write. YOU don’t visit.”  I guess I’m the only one with a phone, a pen or email and a car.  Either that or all their avenues are incoming only.  These same people I mentioned above who were all about family when they lived with us… fell away when mom died.  And I’m not sure what they expected of me.  Folks get confused because I LOOK like my mom but I am not her.   We don’t do things the same.  We don’t really have the same mannerisms.  And her tolerance for BS was way higher than mine.  My tongue is sharper too.  And it was mostly silenced out of respect for HER.    But now that she’s gone — all of them can get it.  They want to NOT answer their phones when I try to invite them to the baby’s christening – then FUCK them.  They want to wait upon invite after invite after invite all to just NOT show up then criticize that I don’t try hard enough?  FUCK them.  They want to never act like their phones work going out.  FUCK THEM.  I have narrowed my circle significantly.  The only family that tries to keep the ties: Domi.  Tante Sisi.  Ollie and his mom.  Oncle Vava (and i know he doesn’t stay in touch because of that ugly BITCH wife of his). Even Ginette who is only a family member by marriage stays in touch more than supposed real blood relation.  That’s it.

The rest of the so-called family can heed this message:

The original nuclear died off with Mom and Dad.  All the nuclear i need is here.  Hubby.  Baby.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

-Simon & Garfunkel

*

RIP Steve Jobs

A fellow nerd and one who inexplicably changed lives everywhere with a little well placed innovation, dreambuilding and creativity.  The world feels a little less exciting knowing that he’s gone.   But he shared this thought with some Standford graduates some years ago that turned my thoughts about death on its ear:

“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.”

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

And as he was a proponent of change and progression… this had to happen.

Out with the old… in with… whatever is next.

RIP.

*

3 months strong

The time is moving forward. And with all the added distractions at work, I find it tougher to savor each and every moment like I was able to when we spent whole days together. But my priorities are clear. I finish all he work that I can so all I have to do when I get home is be Mommy. She can have all my attention because she deserves it. And selfishly, I don’t want her to forget me… Or even struggle to recognize me. I want her to know my cough coming up the block. Just like I know the sound of her sleepy whimper from rooms away. I know it will happen because throngs of mothers have assured and reassured. I am just one that likes to speak my dreams into existence. And just incase existence is hard of hearing – repetiton is the mother of perfection!

This month, my cherub is 3 months strong and no longer considered a newborn. She is now a full fledged baby. My 4th trimester is officially over and I dare say I came thru with flying colors. I know it is all a process and all the things I have expertise in now will go the way of the dinosaur soon. But I am ready for the ever changing, always evolving wonderment that is my Theeny.

Her morning laughter at the sight and recognition of me is something that I LIVE for. It is the most powerful pick me up in the morning and fuels me through my day to get back to her. I love my nucleus. Seeing us together gives me new purpose and renewed strength. I believe I can accomplish anything – even bring myself home and be a SAHM like I have always wanted. I just have to walk the path carefully and diligently. I can. I will. For my Theeny

She is not Me. She is not Mine.

So many things I’m learning and coming to terms with as I go through this motherhood journey.  I feel like I’m experiencing a whole new world.  And I am.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that this little girl isn’t me.  I look at her and instantly the memories of pictures of my mom holding me as an infant; me chillin in a crib with full winter regalia ready to go outside; rosy cheeked afroheaded baby new to this life.  I look at her and I see myself.  But really – I need to stop that.  She is not me.  She will be completely different from me.  As she’s a completely different person.  I can’t keep projecting me and my experiences on to her.  She’ll experience a world unlike the one I grew up in and that will make her different. better. stronger. more courageous. more ambitious. more action oriented.  I hope.  And my purpose is to help her build the foundation for that.  She isn’t here for my entertainment or to fulfill some gaping hole of a need in my soul.  I’m here to help her now.  Whatever my life was before shouldn’t really take precedence anymore.  It IS about her when it’s about HER.

This also means that she isn’t “Mine”.  Little voices in my head revolt when I hear about the experiences she has when I’m not around.  Being paraded around the block by her grandmother and coming into contact with various people that I may or may not know… may or may not approve of.   And this voice starts to rant on in a jealous tone.  “I didn’t ask for all that to happen.  Who said it was okay for her to be in so&so’s company?”  And I have to step back and remember – she isn’t MINE.  She doesn’t BELONG to me.  She belongs to the world.  As much as I am her mother – E is her father, MaCora is her granny, J is her uncle, etc.  And she’ll experience all of us differently – but she doesn’t BELONG to any of us.  She is her own spirit.  Her own entity.  I have to come into respecting and honoring that and somehow still making sure there are boundaries for her protection.  I guess I’ll get to figuring that part out as I go along.

There’s a whole lot of feeling around in the darkness on this.  I’m at a loss for my elders to ask advice.  The elders that are around (E’s, mostly) advise me not to go reading a 100 books on the subject of parenting and try to focus on having my own experience with her.  But as per yesterday’s blog… my own experience seems to have whittled down to 2 hours on weekdays and who knows how long on weekends pending on the weekend.

I might have to get some counseling.  There’s too much on my heart and in my mind.  I gotta get ahead of it all before it overruns me.

*

Bit Part

I’m confused about a lot of things lately.  My mind is constantly whirling around trying to answer MORE questions than I used to ask myself.  The majority of them were about my baby when I was at home alone with her – but the more baby books and articles I read, the better I felt about what I was doing and how competently I was handling the task.  Now that I’m back at work – all that knowledge has been turned on it’s ear because…. I’m not there all the time to implement all of these wonderful things to make her life better / happier / more fulfilling / more productive.

When I was growing up, through the majority of the child hood I could remember, my mother held two jobs to make the ends meet (daddy worked one job himself).  In the daytime – a nurse’s aide at a private hospital in Jackson Heights.  At night, a cleaning lady for an office building in the city (round abouts 48th street and Madison or so).  So her schedule from what I could tell and what I remember was as follows:

6:00AM – wake up / get dressed / eat / get mind right
6:45AM – get out the house to walk or take the bus or occasionally get a ride from dad to work
7:15AM – report to ICU for work
12:00PM – Lunch time / call kids / get food / rest feet
3:00PM – quitting time / walk home / catch bus / get a cab
3:30PM – eat / nap / watch General Hospital
4:30PM – get up / shower / change
5:00PM – get out the door / train to the city
5:30PM – report to office building and begin cleaning
12:00AM – quitting time / train home / get ride home from husband (sometimes with / sometimes without kids)
12:45AM – get home / eat / sleep

The only time I was home and sentinent was uring that 3:30 – 5:00 period.  I was home from elementary school so I got to see her for a few moments while she was awake; had to be quiet when she watched her stories; watched her sleep and followed her around the house while she prepared for the next job, catching whiffs of Yves Saint Laurent or L’Air Du Temps wafting in her wake as I did what I did best then – worshiped her and being in her presence.  Then 5:00PM would come and I’d do everything in my power to try  to convince her to stay home.  I wanted her to think that being home with me was the best thing she could possibly choose at that time.  Could I pretend to be sick?  Could I tell her we had really fun stuff lined up if she decided to stay home?  When all else failed I’d resort to crying.  Painful, terrible sobs.  The “i will literally die if you leave” style crying.  And when she walked out the door, I would crawl under a table so I didn’t have to see her go and finish my crying there.   Strange that as I type this, I tear up.  You’d think 30 years later – this would be a non issue.  I HATED to see her leave.  I always did.  But somehow – in those 2 1/2 hours per weekday and random weekends she had free – she was MOM.  No one could take her place.  She was my primary caregiver and my idol.  Stars in my eyes for her.  Even to this day at her memory.  Grandma pitched in 100% to raise us and she held an extremely high place in my heart.  2nd mother.  She was there when we got home from school – meals prepared – occupied house so we wouldn’t have to latchkey. She couldn’t help us with homework really because she spoke MUCH more French and Kreyol than she did English.  And I have extremely fond memories of her.  She was Granny.  My favorite girl.  But Mom? was MOMMY.  Period.

So why can’t this translate for me with my little girl?  I’m reading a book about sleep training that recommends that she gets 14 – 15 hours of sleep a day.  a 1 hour nap in the morning; a  2hour nap early afternoon and then putting her down for the night from 7P – 7A (or 8P – 8A / 9P – 9A).  And I stopped reading right then.   Most nights? I don’t get home till 7P on a good day from work.  If I put her down at 8… i get one hour of her?  In the morning it’s all hustle and bustle to get to work.  So would I only get the 1 – 2 hours to actually get to interact with her per weekday that my mom did?  The whole day she will be with Grandma.  And let me disclaim:  I know I am EXTREMELY LUCKY that E’s mom is retired and extremely spry for 72 years old – PLUS? has an insatiable love for her only grandchild as it stands.  So much so that she’s willing to watch her every day while we are at work for as long as we’ll let her.  I realize there are new moms out there SCRAMBLING to find daycare and hating it and in that aspect I am sincerely blessed.  I had that growing up – a Grandmother whenever I needed her.  I feel poorly that my dearest only has on grandparent that she’ll ever actually have met (at least I had 3 and met all of them).  But as the fates show it – this Grandmother will be her everything if she lets her.  I know I will work in tandem with Ma Cora to get Theeny to where she needs to be – developmentally, spiritually, emotionally.   I just hate that I feel like I’m doing it remotely.   I hate that it’s kind of a toss of the coin whether she’ll be happy to see me at the end of the day or if I’ll be left asking myself “does she even recognize me?”  I feel so distant from her that the bonding hours we do currently have are the ones where she is the most cranky and fussy.  I get a tiny glimpse of my sweet happy little girl in the morning before I have to rush off to work.  I just don’t know what to do.  This is normal, I suppose…  every mom goes through this – right?

How do I get THROUGH – because I am really stuck on this and I’m not sure where the light will come from.  Maybe after this move, things will even out for me and I’ll feel better but as for right now?  I am pretty much all the way miserable.  Miserable at work because I miss her so much.  Miserable when I come home because she doesn’t seem to want to be bothered with me and I get to watch her have a better conversation with the ceiling fan than she would like to have with me.

I wish my mom was here so I could ask her how she did it.

I wish i didn’t have to figure that out.

*

Blah.

I have this general sense of BLAH today.  I thought I didn’t know where it was coming from.  But I do…

Just nothing nothing nothing compares to being at home with my sweet shnooklie pie.  I miss watching her grow through out the day.  While the look of happiness and excitement on her face to see me come home is something brings me indescribable joy – I’d much rather revel in the varied expressions she’d share with me through out the day.  I find myself trying to cram a days worth of loving and caring for her into the 5 final hours of the day and the first 2 hours of the morning that I get with her.  Pretty much if I’m not breathing her … it seems pretty pointless.

I’m not to the point of melting down at my desk into tears.  It’s more… annoyance.  All things are hurdles that I need to fly over to get back to her and whatever she wants to do with me and for me.  Whether it’s to pitch a fit with me for cleaning her nose or if it’s actually turning towards me to nestle in close and go to sleep – which might seem like nothing but these little moments define me now.    I really LIVE for them.  Other things are just … in the way.

I’m sure I need a few more weeks to just even out.  But I LIKE being all about my baby.  She’s pretty effin fantastic to me and I am fiendish for the experience of her.

Mommy stuff.  3 more hours till I can go to her…

Blech.

*

In My Own Head

That’s really where I’ve been for the last few weeks.  There is so much to assimilate in my world that when the time would normally come for me to blurt it all out somewhere I find that more than ever, I’m just quiet about it and it rolls around incessantly in my mind. Partly because I don’t want to give some of the (being fears) any life by speaking them aloud and partly because there isn’t always an available ear to listen that I don’t have to give years of back story to me.  More and more I realize that my mom was that to me.  The call any time, talk about anything, at any time of day or night for any length of time, as many times as was necessary in my life.  The best friend I always wanted.   She would have been down to hang out any where too if she was independently mobile throughout my life – but couldn’t.  But knowing she wanted and would have to was good enough to me. People offer that to you but try to take them up on it.  It’s funny – most people turn their phones off when they go to bed so that desperate 3AM call mostly goes to voicemail.   I always have left my phone on through the night.  Used to be so that I was sure to get Mom’s call at 3AM if it happened.  Or any 3AM phone call ABOUT her.  (Strange when I think about it – THAT call? was one I made – not made to me. *smh*)  But now it’s just to fulfill that promise to those I do say “call me anytime – i really MEAN that…”  but maybe they think I don’t.   I think about if this is the process that happened to my mom to make her a “quiet” person.  She always got on me about being too loud.  Talking too much.  And too constantly.  But I remember having a stable of people to always talk to.  And while I still have really great and true friends – everyone’s wrapped up in their own lives complete with it’s joys and problems.  So life’s experiences and issues are discussed every few months or so over mojitos or martinis and then not again for months later.

It was nice having someone to download to every day.

I find myself holding it all in even more because there’s that constant reminder that your baby can feel your mood.  So I try to always be as genuinely happy around my little one as I can – even if it’s her I’m worrying about.  And I do.  A lot.  As a mother should, I suppose.  But it’s more suppression.  And why not talk to the Mr, you say?  Well… he tries.  Honest.  But he’s a man like all men and sometimes the sound of something besides my voice is more attractive.  And I get it.  Plus lately – there’s been a gap in the comm.  I say something, he hears something else and acts on what he heard – not necessarily what I said.  It’s a little frightening.  I don’t want to get to the point where I have to say “Could you repeat back what I said please?” cause that feels a lot like holding his hand like a little kid.  But there are some things I’ll have to do that with because I can’t risk him executing his interpretation. So to that point if I was to unload, I’d want some constructive feed back.  Not just him nodding his head hearing what’s on TV or him hearing something altogether different.

I’ve been chatting to my co-worker about networking more – for work purposes – but maybe this could be two fold.  Network just to increase the base of people that I know and open up my life to new and different voices.  I think I’ll try to start doing that right away.  Wish I had something to go to tonight along those lines.  Hubs is taking the cherub to his e-board meeting.  No real need to rush home.  It’ll just be empty.

Empty and cluttered with the makings of this move.  UGH.  More to think about.  Going back in.

*

2 Months / The Return

My little one turned 2 months officially this week by date – 9 weeks if we’re counting specifics.  And what an amazing, life changing journey it’s been so far.  I keep having to remind myself how little time it’s been since she came into my life, but I swear that she’s always been here.  There is so much to recount… document… I don’t know where to begin but I’ll do my very best.

Reality -
The most shocking thing to me this whole time is that what they show us on television and what you actually go through being a new mom are so disparate, I understand why mom’s have the baby blues now.  I had them.  And it’s because you think you’re going to pop this little baby out of your belly and she’s going to fall into your arms and stare up into your eyes and love you immediately and unconditionally.  NOT.  TRUE.  Not even close.  Yes – there is the familiarity she/he has because they’ve been stuck in your belly for 9 months and so they only really readily recognize your voice and heartbeat – but that’s where the mush ends.  Bottom line – the little one is on survival mode – so who ever helps her/him to do that? is tops in their book.  They haven’t begun the differentiation on who is their fave or not.  And I acquiesce that this may solely be MY experience but I spent the first month and a half of this baby’s life thinking she plum doesn’t like me.  She would avoid eye contact with me at all costs (when they show you mothers breastfeeding on tv, the babies are always deadlocked into their mother’s eyes); she would cry whenever we tried to provide her basic care – changing diapers, changing clothing, bathing her – she only didn’t cry to eat – from a bottle – she’d cry when I’d give her the breast (and that’s a special kind of “rejection” I was NEVER ready for).  It took a lot of asking experienced moms and reading a lot of articles on babycenter.com to realize that I wasn’t in the minority and that NO, my baby doesn’t hate me (although I did quite revel in the look on her face after she’d cry that conveyed “why did they assign me to THIS family??? What were they thinking? I have to talk to someone about this in the morning… maybe I can still be reassigned…” until she drifted off to sleep exhausted by the thought of our incompetence).  She’s just as traumatized by all of this change as we are and was getting used to it. us. life.   So of course – now as my maternity leave comes to a close, I see glimpses of this wonderment everyone keeps talking about.  The smiling at the sight of me.  The laughing when I smile back.  The cooing when I sing to her.  The gazing deeply into my eyes as if to say “who is this person?  I think I like her…”   It makes me think that the initial was necessary.  She had to break down what our conceptions of care were… that even when she protested – we had to do for her anyway.  She had to strip away these technicolor dreams that had been weaved into our minds since we were kids and teach us to open up to this real, truly unconditional, I-would-give-up-anything-and-everything-for-you love.  When she doesn’t cry now when I change her or bathe her – or just in general when I’m holding her – i feel great.  And I’m out of this world when she smiles or nuzzles with me or when she lets out that contented sigh as she sleeps on my chest.  Would I have appreciated it as much if it came ready to serve when she was born?  Probably not.  But I do worry that if it took this long for her to get to this point – how quickly might she forget me now that I’ll be back in the workplace for the majority of the day and only get to enjoy her fully on the weekends?  I comfort myself with the thought that my mother did it with me with LESS time between her 2 jobs.  But the alternate thought creeps in – maybe I idolized her because she was completely unavailable….  I gotta marinate on that for a while longer.

Momentum -
If nothing else, this has lit a fire under my butt that I can no longer wait for someone to “bring me home” or for anyone to show up on my door step with the opportunity of a life time.  I need to get back into roll-up-my-sleeves mode and bring myself home.  Make me the first millionaire in my family… make sure that my child(ren) want for nothing in this world.  And the only REAL way of doing that is to make sure that I am working for myself in all these hours I put in under the guise of “work”.  It’s great to have a steady job with a regular paycheck and benefits.  Without all of that, there’s no way that this little one would be here today.  I needed insurance to cover ALL that surgery and even to try the IVF (although, God had a different plan on how the conception was going to go down).  So I’m not hating on my job(s) at all.  I just know and have always known that was solidifying someone ELSE’s future.  Not mine and not my family.  So I need to get on my marketing grind.  There is something about me… something about what I can do… or what I can produce (without losing any of my dignity LOL) that SOMEONE is willing to pay for.  Pay handsomely for.  My goal is to find it and exploit it.  SOON.  It may be a complete debunking of what I know to be my “talents” because whatever it is, I’ll have to be so passionate about it that I’d be willing to do it and make NO money if necessary (and sometimes, that won’t be an option).  So some serious exploration needs to begin and come to fruition soon.

Transparency -
I’ve been blogging for a long time now.  I think it’s safe to say that even with my month long (some times year long) stints of not writing on this blog – I started journaling in the 6th grade and I’ve always tried to write down what was happening in my life ever since.  When I become an amazing mogul at whatever it is that I love doing (see previous paragraph) and am a millionairess / billionairess who can afford someone to transcribe my MANY hand written accounts – I will get that done.  Digitally I’ve been blogging since 2000.  That’s 11 years of memories and stories and accounts that I swear if I didn’t write them down, would have been lost to my horrible memory.  This blog has acted as my sounding board… my dumping ground – clearing my head out and getting the images and thoughts out somewhere where I could read and review what I’m thinking… how I feel… see if it makes any real sense.  It just gave me more of an opportunity to explore myself.  Somewhere down the line I started over editing.  I think when I realized that a lot of people were reading what I write (cause I never really expected that)…  I changed what I was writing for the public.  I began to write in a code that as I read back in my own entries – I encrypted so well that I don’t know what I’m talking about.  All that? has to stop.  I need this space to do what it has always done for me – provide clarity.  Document my life experiences.  Keep me honest, sane and lucid.  I’ve been tip toeing around feelings and sensitivities that I just no longer feel the need to do.  I know that the world is now logging all these things in your digital life record and all it takes is googling someone to find out all their sordid details.  I’m not hiding this part of me.  When the progeny looks back (namely my own) they’ll be able to find a real account of their mom having been a real 26 year old having real experiences and growing into whoever she is when they come to know her.  Unlike me who wonders infinitely about who the woman who became my mother was – cause she wasn’t always my mom.  Who did she love before my dad?  What was her relationship like with her parents?  What kinds of relationships did she have with friends and enemies and the nuances therein?  Life stories that might have weighed very heavily for me as life lessons that I missed out on because all I knew was the “perfection” that was my mother.  So.  No more pussyfooting.  Back to being 100% me.  It’s the thing I know how to do best.  I owe it to myself and my family.

It’s GO time…

*

My Turn…

It was all a dream

And now? my reality…

There are no words to describe this feeling…

Thank you, Hayden and the mastery that is Greene Light Photography

*