Yesterday was a pretty busy day for my mind. It was occupied with though from the early reaches of the morning till the depths of the evening when I finally gave up and went to sleep.
I woke up at 5 AM and jumped to work as there were some items that needed to be handled even though we had a 5 day weekend. Work never ends, so I can’t stop working sometimes.
A conversation later on with a close friend revealed to me his proposed reasoning behind “romance”, “marriage” and “fidelity”. This one, my mind chewed on for a LONG time. He likened it to a “fence in a woman’s mind”… He said that when you own some sheep and you put a thought in their heads and get them all to thinking that way, the likelihood that they’ll stray from the patch is minimized. You might not even NEED a fence… because it’s a fence in their minds. Men drummed up all of these concepts to keep women from straying from them because, he admitted, men can’t handle it. Sure they can handle the idea just fine that they can hop from woman to woman non stop. But they can’t handle it if they hear one of their women hopped. So they make us believe from early on that it’s romance and fidelity and marriage that we seek… so that we can stay put. I looked back on my past relationships with men and I felt… pretty stupid. Cause I couldn’t dispute it all the way with any of them. In the end for most cases… the romance was held up like a smoke screen so that they could do what they needed to do, while I waited patiently. I took comfort in the idea that it isn’t really much about “romance” between Earl and I, though. It’s a LOT more about friendship. We lean heavily on each other and try to brace one another for the tribulations of the world. We’re very much partners in fighting off the ills together. So I left that thought not feeling completely victimized. But I’m MUCH wiser now for the conversation. Too bad that couldn’t come when I was younger. Would have saved me a GANG of heart ache. And now I am completely convinced that my girl children will NEVER partake in any fairy tales if I can help it. It just adds to the wickedness.
Later on that day, an elementary school friend shared this picture with me.
Yeah. That’s me on the left. I don’t even REMEMBER that coat, for real. But I could clearly see… w/o having to really scrutinize… my mommy dressing me up like a little doll. It’s what she LIVED for. She adored seeing me look like one of her little porcelain dolls so she’s shop and shop and I’d wear it and she’d do my hair and she was so excited! I was excited to see the pic. So much so that I was about to send it to her.
And that’s when everything started to take a downward spiral. I had a mini meltdown. Crying and missing her and wishing she could share in the remembrance but she’s gone. She’s gone. And what can I do??? Luckily, it only lasted for so long when I remembered… I can share this with Domi. I can share this with Nininne. And I did. And felt so much better. Nininne says she remembers that they bought the coat on one of their outings to Delancey Street. Of course they did!!!
With that comfort and the helpful words from my husband, I nestled into his chest last night and murmured “I love you” until I fell asleep and finally gave my mind much needed rest.