what about love

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i signed on to someone’s wedding website tonight.   the familiar tones of the damage control tape from the space shuttle Challenger played then B’s voice comes in

You’re love is bright as ever
Even in the shadows
Oh baby kiss me….
Before they turn the lights out.

Their pictures scrolled across the screen.  Carefully shot and chosen pictures from the engagement shoot whizzed by.   It was all nice.  Nicely laid out, nicely curated. And the voice in my head said “what are they really thinking, I wonder?”

Ever since the psychic told me that there were bars of gold named trust that we were supposed to exchange that day – but rather held on to out of fear and confusion… I wonder how many other people don’t actually exchange them.  Just hold on to them for dear life and hope that everything works out.

E called in today about what was SUPPOSED TO BE the best day of the tour and it was a disaster.  He’s been left holding the bag AGAIN.  Having to deal with his chapter brothers who are selfish beyond measure and leave the weight of anything meaningful to sit on his back while they swoop in and take the photo op the MINUTE they can get it.   But he keeps going back for more.  Talked to domi about that tonight.  in these organizations we are masochists.  We present our selves for a regular flogging. We beg for it and when it’s over and we think we’ve had all that we can take, we come back for more.   We plead for it.  like it will give us life.  meaning.  validation.  And they gladly dole out pain and suffering.  aka does it too.  I had gotten good at saying no…. and then I forgot how to.  But I think in recent events, i’m relearning why it’s good to say HELL NO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

got my oil changed today.

another day tomorrow.  2nd to last of solitude.



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