So many things I’m learning and coming to terms with as I go through this motherhood journey. I feel like I’m experiencing a whole new world. And I am.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that this little girl isn’t me. I look at her and instantly the memories of pictures of my mom holding me as an infant; me chillin in a crib with full winter regalia ready to go outside; rosy cheeked afroheaded baby new to this life. I look at her and I see myself. But really – I need to stop that. She is not me. She will be completely different from me. As she’s a completely different person. I can’t keep projecting me and my experiences on to her. She’ll experience a world unlike the one I grew up in and that will make her different. better. stronger. more courageous. more ambitious. more action oriented. I hope. And my purpose is to help her build the foundation for that. She isn’t here for my entertainment or to fulfill some gaping hole of a need in my soul. I’m here to help her now. Whatever my life was before shouldn’t really take precedence anymore. It IS about her when it’s about HER.
This also means that she isn’t “Mine”. Little voices in my head revolt when I hear about the experiences she has when I’m not around. Being paraded around the block by her grandmother and coming into contact with various people that I may or may not know… may or may not approve of. And this voice starts to rant on in a jealous tone. “I didn’t ask for all that to happen. Who said it was okay for her to be in so&so’s company?” And I have to step back and remember – she isn’t MINE. She doesn’t BELONG to me. She belongs to the world. As much as I am her mother – E is her father, MaCora is her granny, J is her uncle, etc. And she’ll experience all of us differently – but she doesn’t BELONG to any of us. She is her own spirit. Her own entity. I have to come into respecting and honoring that and somehow still making sure there are boundaries for her protection. I guess I’ll get to figuring that part out as I go along.
There’s a whole lot of feeling around in the darkness on this. I’m at a loss for my elders to ask advice. The elders that are around (E’s, mostly) advise me not to go reading a 100 books on the subject of parenting and try to focus on having my own experience with her. But as per yesterday’s blog… my own experience seems to have whittled down to 2 hours on weekdays and who knows how long on weekends pending on the weekend.
I might have to get some counseling. There’s too much on my heart and in my mind. I gotta get ahead of it all before it overruns me.