36.

I try to post every single year on my birthday. I’ve done pretty good. I’m also human and sometimes it’s up — sometimes it’s down. But I love that I can go back and read how I felt in that moment… know what was happening to me then… and get some perspective on what I’m going through now. How I became this woman that stares in the mirror every morning. 36… feels a touch empty. 35 was supposed to have been the precipice of motherhood…off of which I was going to jump and never look back. However, I find myself at 36 still teetering on said rocky cliff looking at the road down and wondering if it makes sense to hope so much anymore. I know its just the moment. But it feels truly empty. My regular midnight call from Mom to wish me a happy birthday is seriously lacking. I’m in my own head more these days (as referenced by the last post). And I wonder what else there is… besides here… a lot. I’m sure Ill look at this post upon turning 37, juggling children and formula and bassinets and just laugh and shake my head at where i was at mentally.

I hope… that I do.

Birthday Recap since I’ve been blogging:

2000 – I aimlessly spend my days and nights searching for attention. I just want someone to notice me. To the point where if the little cat on my screen for my Office 2000 meows at me… I get happy. She smiles at me and I feel like someones paying attention.

2003– Birthday calls have been coming in since 9:00AM. I really feel loved. My mom looked at me last night with this look of … Wow… my baby is all grown up and it felt really amazing. Thinking about it makes me tear up because the same way she’ll always look at me and see her baby… is the same way I’ll always look at her and see how shes always been my world.

2004 – It is a GLORIOUS FALL DAY, just the way I always love my Birthday to be. I am all tingly this morning. I just feel really good and happy and loved and blessed. Whatever this day brings, I know it will be FABULOUS! I cant wait to see what it yields. And I look forward to tonight. Whatever my baby has planned. He’s wonderful. Called me at midnight to wish me a happy birthday. EVERYTHING I prayed for. GOD does certainly answer prayers. Just in HIS time.

2005 – going on a drinking binge for my 31st – hopefully will come out the other end alive. celebrated my baby’s 31st – tried hard to make it festive. sad that I had to try hard. learning more about myself and how others perceive me every day.

2006 (this one merited a full repost… LOVE what I wrote) –
Dear 32 Yr Old Victoria,
Welcome!! All the previous years have been waiting and preparing for you. We never thought it would all happen in one year, but we know that you’ve always been ambitious so, it’s no real surprise.
This milestone… The making of this 33rd year in your life signifies so much. This is truly a new beginning. A new life awaits you just beyond this date. A new husband. A new home. The very real and welcomed possibility of motherhood. All the things we’ve prepared you for. Many years of schooling and life experience…. Years of mistakes and heartbreaks. Years of successes and disappointments have brought you right here. Right where we had always hoped to be. It’s scary… We know… But luckily, you’ve never let yourself be held prisoner by your fears (‘cept when it comes to bugs).
Year 23 remembers an important lesson – “Growth only happens when you are out of your comfort zone.” And you quickly took to a “get it over with” attitude that propels you forward. Year 13 taught you that not everyone will like or appreciate you and your personality, but as long as you did for your self… That’s all that mattered. Year 27 taught you to assess situations with more than just Passion… But with a modicum of practicality (that’s how you found real, true and lasting love) Year 24 taught you the art of introspection and shed the fear of listening to yourself and what was going on in your heart. Years 6 – 8 taught you to love the Lord, love the sky, love the sun endlessly and until the end of your days. Year 26 gave you the hint of cynicism that took the edge off of your ever present naivete without hardening you completely.
And now you’re ready. Welcome. We’re happy you made it.
Lovingly,
Years 0 – 31.

2007– Happy Birthday to Me! Im dedicating my year to living in the now… in the name of wonderful memories Ill extract from them to take with me when I go. Now is all we have. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow – we only have a marginal say in what happens. All we can really control is NOW. Happy 33 to me… ?

2008 – *sigh* so much on my mind… I just cant recline

2009 – THANK YOU LORD, THANK YOU MOM DAD! THANK YOU FAMILY FRIENDS!!
For giving me light. For giving me strength. For giving me hope and teaching me lessons. For guiding my hand and assuring my step. For loving me tough when that needed to happen. For inspiring my heart and enlightening my mind. For showing beauty where I though it was lacking. For soothing me with peace and animating me with joy. For standing by quietly and giving me backing. Forgiving me. For holding me close or walking away. Even the hurts have helped me to grow. This life I live; this “intenseness” I feel; the skip in my step; the glow in my smile….
I feel because every day you allow me to be me and love me deeply… ANYWAY!!!

Here’s to looking back and laughing. On to the next.

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