Solitude

“In my solitude… you haunt me…. ”
– Billie Holiday

This past sunday was a factionista brunch to bid adieu to our sweet Tinsel Top. She’s moving to ATL to start a brand new life for herself there. I get all full when I think about it… about where in life she was when I met her… how EXTREMELY FAR she’s come… I’m just… so proud and so happy for her and so sad that she’ll be so far… But more excited for all that’s waiting for her there.

So as we were sitting there catching up on our lives and tv shows and celebrities and pleasantries, we happened upon the story of how I discovered that I now am allergic to Alka Seltzer – how i seized up from an anaphylactic reaction one night choking on my couch, worried that I’d die all alone (Earl had chapter meeting that night). And Icy says “Well… who are you talking to these days? Because I certainly didn’t know about any of this.” The rest of them nodded in agreement. The conversation moved away from there quickly enough for me not to have to actually provide an answer. But I’ve been asking myself ever since. Used to be that I’d consistently be posting my thoughts here at least. But as I was making the transition in jobs, I didn’t want to divulge too much. So I internalized a lot. For months. And I am trying like hell to break out of not blogging anyways… but in terms of talking to any given human beings on a regular basis… the one person who heard from me every single day whether it was by phone call or visit was mommy. There was never any “bringing her up to speed”. She had the CNN hotwire on my life. Always. And as I look around – I don’t really know who in my life has that, aside from E… and truly, that’s by virtue of the fact that he has to see me every damned day. Poor kid. I always remember wanting someone in my life who got the every day phone call to shoot the shit with for hours, text nonstop through out the day… read each other’s blogs…. share similar philosophies on life and if not we helped each other get there (where ever THERE is – mentally, emotionally, spiritually), first person I think of when I get some free shit to share with… the one that’s always down to hang because we were both home and bored…. down to roaddog on ridiculously long trips… But I think that I fail myself for wanting ONE person that wants to do all of that. I have someone for all of those scenarios. I’m lucky enough to have several individuals that can all step in and individually fill those voids. And I should be and AM happy for that. It just makes for recapping the same stories…. A LOT. LOL! Maybe… in this 140 – 160 character, best friend eliminating society… this isn’t the time or the place to look for or want that or need it. Brief touch ins should be enough. But I feel that my life is lacking in that way.

I’m re-evaluating so much lately. One often meets their destiny on the path they took to avoid it… I looked a how lonely mommy was all the time. How down on her self and situations she stayed and never highlighted the amazing accomplishments she made in life. How ultimately sad she was, no matter what. And I don’t go so radically as to do the opposite of everything she did in order to avoid the consequences… Though…. I find myself being just as quiet as she was lately. When amongst groups… I spend more time listening than talking. I’m becoming increasingly more private with my thoughts and actions (outside of having a blog the whole world can read). I’m internalizing a lot more emotions and sensations. This can’t really be good. I’m not sure what to do.

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