Got till it’s Gone…

“Lemme just fuck with’it for a minute…” – Q-tip

I’ve been reminiscing a lot with folks about the olden days. I know. I’m not THAT old that “olden days” should be so far behind. But it doesn’t take being 60 to look back at experiences just beyond your reach and wondering what might have been if you knew then what you know now. It just takes a multitude of experiences that yield results that you can look back at and say… “I would have handled this differently…” or … “If I knew this tidbit of information… how differently this scenario would have gone down.”

There are some things in life that I’m unabashedly unapologetic for because of the things they yielded in my life. I don’t regret being an Amway distributor. For what it was worth, I was introduced to a bevy of social and people skills that I don’t feel I would have gotten in that short period of time anywhere else. I do sincerely wish I had been sponsored elsewhere. But the information I needed came to me when it did and has made a SIGNIFICANT difference in my life. If I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t ask for my suspension from AKA to be taken away. Those two years gave me a great reflection period on what I’d just done. Yeah… I went “hard” and promised to do all this stuff and now here I was being punished for said pledging of my allegiance. Would that change the promises I made to myself and at that ceremony? No. It was more important now than ever to keep my word and fulfill the work that needed to be done as a member of my sorority. Our promise is to THE COMMUNITY. That was paramount above all other promises. And I’m clear on that now. I don’t know how clear I might have been on that if I went unscathed. I might have thought it was all about something else and not the actual outcome of a measure of a woman and her works for her people.

But the last few days, I’ve been discussing the “if-i-knew-then-what-i-knew-now” phenomenon. If I knew in High school that I didn’t really have a “gut” perhaps I would have been prouder of how beautiful and strong and healthy I really was instead of settling for whoever I thought could actually see the beauty (cause you know… they needed some special decoder lens). I may have been much more discerning in my choices in life. Remember En Vogue? When they first came out? Remember those black dresses they had on? The skin tight, completely body revealing black dresses they donned as they told you not to waste your time fighting blind?

I OWNED ONE… and wore it in public…. to a DANCE… and got compliments alll night. But still came away thinking that I had a gut. I was SO extra critical of myself and looking back… and knowing what i have now… I wished that I had truly seen what I had and treated as preciously as I do now. Knowing then that I was beautiful by most standards and smart and worthy of being pursued. I was willing, most of the time, to settle for whoever would show an interest… because otherwise… I would be “alone”. Not realizing that back then, most of the time… guys weren’t “stepping to me” because they were mostly intimidated. Thinking that I’d heard every line under the sun and would most likely reject them… they stayed away. How silly, I think to myself now. I just thought it was because they didn’t like me. Come to find out now after years have gone by that the captain of the football team in HS jonesed on me back then…. Big ole glasses and all (he actually balked at the idea of me getting contacts one day when I told him on the bus… crazy). Whodda thunk it.

WHAT GUT?? ARE U KIDDING ME?? LOL

I chatted with an old boyfriend days ago and told him how we were linked (6 degrees is for real) by one of his ex’s who is now the wife of one of my ex’s. And he said to me “He’s a really lucky guy. He hit the jackpot. She’s a great person.” And while I agreed with his assessment of this lady, because she truly is wonderful… I wondered to myself… are there any of MY ex’s who would say the same of Earl?… and in the same way that I’ve systematically discounted myself over the years, I was sure that no one had. I, in that instance, was convinced that none of them had looked back at what they had with me and thought… “that was a great one right there. I wish we might have done things differently…” I’m pretty positive that everyone who I’ve dated is just fine being where they are today…. as I am. I’m happy to be with Earl. He completes me. I don’t look at any of my past relationships and think… “he was the one who got away….” (mostly because they all, somehow, chased me away… and I knew to leave — THANK GOD).

But to the female youth (that qualifies as anyone from 13 – 92) reading this… PLEASE take advantage of your time. KNOW that you’re beautiful. Know that the body you have today is only going to be like this effortlessly for a little while longer, so please enjoy it in all it’s splendor. You are intelligent and beautiful and interesting and engaging. Even more so than the next woman, so stop looking at her and wondering what she has that you don’t have. LOOK AT YOURSELF. In the mirror. But this time with a loving eye. And don’t “criticize”… admire… You have beautiful hips, a wonderful waist, perfect breasts, legs to die for, shoulders that carry your regality, eyes that make men melt… AT ANY SIZE, ANY SHAPE, ANY SHADE… because SOMEONE DOES think this of you… whether you want to believe it or not. At any stage… you are the perfect someone for SOMEBODY. So be that and TREASURE what you have. Don’t stop striving to be better… but don’t hate what you have in the process. LOVE IT. And it will get better. Let the someone who’s totally in love with all that you have be YOU FIRST… and you’ll find a line of other somebodies waiting anxiously for membership into that exclusive fan club. But you as the president have to be sincere and devoted to the subject of admiration.

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