1 Year

Hi Li’l Mommy.

I thought I’d write to you today since it’s been a year that you left. I don’t want to take up too much of your time because I know that the afterlife is great for you. I’m positive of this because of the amazing works you did while you were here. I have to KNOW that you’re enjoying your rewards more than ever. But you are deeply, terribly missed.

… every time I write that I just stop. I don’t know what else to say. I’m confined by the strictures of language to express something that would only properly be articulated by me falling to my knees and screaming at the top of my lungs to the point of exhaustion. But that would be pretty harrowing. It’s the sound of this whirling wind pillar of emptiness that is always there now in the middle of my being. I find myself pushing it aside all the time so I can function normally. So that I don’t melt into tears all the time… or sob at silly family oriented commercials. It’s natural for me to miss you so. I know how much you missed Granny when she passed. (Tell her I said hello and thank her for the visits, recently).

I’m still battling some strange things… like wanting to call you sometimes… and actually picking up the phone. Having nothing to do on a Saturday and thinking… “I should stop by mommy and see how she’s doing…” The toughest thing yet was to celebrate my birthday without me making my midnight phone call to you to thank you for giving me life. Dominic tried to fill in and did a good job. He told me the story (for the first time) of what it was like the days around my birth. I still remember the last time YOU told me that story. And how your face lit up about how animated I was and how you were inspired by how ready I was to live this life. I hope that the way I’m living my life continues to make you proud and give you inspiration. Everyone is pulling together to help ease the pain. Again, Nininne was an amazing choice and Tante Sisi is still your biggest cheerleader (next to me – cause you know… I’m the long standing president of your fan club).

Before I drone on… I’ll end this way. I know how much you wished for your life to be better. For you to be stronger and more adventurous and smarter and happier and wiser about your life’s decisions. Every day, I strive to be that much better so that your dreams are fulfilled. And through being better… I hope to make my child’s life one day that much better and so on. I hope you are pleased, Mommy.

Put in a good word with God for me about this baby making business and I’ll see you in my dreams.

I love you.

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