Get Higher

My conversation with God last night… (he’s REALLY an amazing soundboard…)

[00:35] Me: do you think I should try ecstasy?
[00:37] GOD: naw. I’ve been warned by too many people about ecstasy
[00:37] GOD: its not made the same way every time
[00:37] GOD: and people have OD’D on it
[00:39] Me: okay
[00:40] GOD: why do u ask?
[00:40] GOD: if I may…
[00:43] Me: i dunno
[00:43] Me: find myself looking for something else.
[00:43] Me: not that e would be a replacement…
[00:43] Me: i just don’t want to drink anymore.
[00:43] Me: i dunno
[00:43] Me: it was a fleeting thought
[00:43] GOD: lol
[00:43] GOD: well, I would implore you not to jump to e…
[00:44] GOD: cuz its made with all kinds of hard drugs. very unpredictable.
[00:44] Me: i know.
[00:52] GOD: http://ecstasy.org/qanda/whatise.html
[00:55] Me: you’re really doing a little e-ntervention, huh?
[00:55] GOD: CU
[00:55] GOD: I did some research myself
[00:55] GOD: cuz I’ve just heard things. One of my angels was a paramedic
[00:56] GOD: and he told me about how many OD cases he’d seen from it. But being that it was something y’all cooked up down there I didn’t know exactly what was in it
[00:56] GOD: I heard it was a mix of coke, heroine and methamphetamine
[00:57] GOD: I think you should address why you want to medicate rather that doing a Huey Lewis
[00:58] Me: well…
[00:58] Me: before i realized (or chose to re-affirm) that there were so many chemicals in it…
[00:58] Me: i was thinking…
[00:58] Me: i’ve quit smoking
[00:58] Me: which was a high for me…
[00:59] Me: i’m starting to ween off of the alcohol…
[00:59] Me: which is another high…
[00:59] GOD: right, right
[00:59] Me: but what’s happening now… with the detox and the addition of all these new hormone balancing factions to my diet…
[00:59] Me: my sex drive is coming way down…
[00:59] Me: i don’t want it to go too far…
[01:00] Me: and I guess I’m looking for some kind of high to keep it afloat.
[01:00] GOD: interesting
[01:00] Me: strangely enough I was watching a Family Guy today that showed Peter’s reaction to E…
[01:00] Me: and it was like … “yeah… I remember it being ALL of that”
[01:00] Me: everything felt AMAZING.. .
[01:00] Me: but now i feel like i really have to concentrate.
[01:01] Me: it never used to be the case
[01:02] Me: and I actually think about sex LESS…
[01:02] Me: when I get into the full battery of hormone balancing and liver cleanse…
[01:02] Me: I’m afraid to lose that part of me…
[01:02] Me: cause like….
[01:02] Me: what’s left?
[01:02] Me: lol
[01:02] GOD: ahhh…
[01:02] Me: all I’ve known is being a sexual being.
[01:02] Me: so what now? I become an intellectual???
[01:02] GOD: LOL
[01:03] Me: i enjoyed being intel-sexual
[01:03] GOD: lol
[01:07] Me: i’m so blase to everything…
[01:07] Me: nothing excites me.
[01:08] Me: i dunno
[01:08] Me: but it’s like this…
[01:08] Me: UMPH that’s going from me…
[01:08] Me: i’m afraid.
[01:08] Me: i don’t want to lose that.
[01:09] GOD: do you think its just the detox or something else? cuz I would imagine the detoxing would make you MORE umm… randy.
[01:09] Me: and if all this detoxing / hormonal balance will make me live longer and be a prudish bitch
[01:09] Me: then lemme stop and nut all the way to an early grave
[01:11] Me: I have an over abundance of estrogen
[01:11] Me: just coursing through me
[01:11] Me: that’s like…
[01:11] Me: doubling male testosterone
[01:11] Me: can you imagine?
[01:11] GOD: damn
[01:12] GOD: you think estrogen make u horny?
[01:12] Me: why wouldn’t it?
[01:12] Me: isn’t it the ESSENCE of womanhood?
[01:12] Me: why wouldn’t I be ready all the time? the prime directive needs to be fulfilled.
[01:12] Me: and that estrogen is telling me… DO THAT ALL DAMNED DAY
[01:12] Me: at menopause, estrogen drops significantly.
[01:13] Me: cause you cannot procreate anymore – and with it? the drive.
[01:13] Me: doesn’t that make sense?
[01:13] Me: so if i’m packing twice the amt…
[01:13] Me: no wonder.
[01:14] GOD: how do you know you packing twice the amount lol
[01:14] Me: fibroids, silly
[01:14] Me: don’t goad me LOL
[01:14] Me: okay… not twice
[01:14] Me: but MORE.
[01:14] Me: and I can’t do anything half assed.
[01:14] Me: so… yes… I have TWICE
[01:14] GOD: LOL
[01:14] Me: because I’m ME damnit
[01:14] GOD: ok, TWICE it is
[01:15] GOD: so you think half as much would make you “normal” ?
[01:15] Me: our levels of testosterone are nominal
[01:15] Me: and i can’t see how more of it would make us want to have sex to fulfill the prime directive more…
[01:15] Me: it zaps us of our womanliness.
[01:15] Me: we grow hair where it shouldn’t grow…
[01:16] Me: breasts start to shrink… curves disappear.
[01:16] GOD: aggressiveness?
[01:16] Me: hell no
[01:16] GOD: ok
[01:16] GOD: I see your point
[01:16] Me: they’re not one in the same.
[01:16] Me: you can be angry all day long and never fuck anyone
[01:16] Me: LOL
[01:16] Me: it’s our femininity that makes us want to be dominated… taken… used.
[01:17] GOD: well when you put it that way…
[01:17] Me: if we’re the aggressor… that’s not really sexy…
[01:17] Me: well.
[01:17] Me: i mean.
[01:17] Me: it can be.
[01:17] Me: but we’re still VERY feminine when we do it right.
[01:17] Me: very cat like.
[01:17] GOD: indeed. I designed it so.
[01:18] Me: so… if I restore the balance…
[01:18] Me: will i ever have that high again?
[01:18] Me: God?
[01:18] Me: all my vices can’t disappear at once.
[01:19] GOD: awww
[01:19] Me: i need SOMETHING…
[01:19] GOD: suga
[01:19] Me: this world is awfully raw..
[01:19] GOD: i know…
[01:19] Me: i need a buffer… of some kind.
[01:22] Me: I’ve been thinking alot about life, longevity and death lately.
[01:22] GOD: ok
[01:22] Me: and I’ve come to terms with the idea that I really don’t want to live ‘long’
[01:22] GOD: right, you mentioned that to me
[01:22] Me: if ‘long’ means that I’ll be comatose…. for 10 years… and a burden to everyone.
[01:22] Me: i want to REALLY live FULLY
[01:22] Me: feel everything…
[01:22] Me: love completely…
[01:23] Me: be angry enough to punch someone in the face…
[01:23] Me: cry uncontrollably..
[01:23] Me: be truly at peace… and die at like 60… if i’ve used up all the good life energy that way
[01:23] GOD: so in your mind you’re halfway there..more than
[01:23] Me: yeah…
[01:24] Me: i know the other half… You willing… will involve my kids…
[01:24] Me: and i want to set a great example…
[01:24] GOD: you’re not supposed to do this til you’re 40 lol
[01:24] Me: well… that’s maybe because… everyone else gets to be 40 when they watch their parents die.
[01:25] Me: i don’t really have that luxury.
[01:25] GOD: aww. I meant that 80 is typically..never mind, I understand, my child…
[01:25] GOD: go ahead..
[01:25] Me: and maybe… if they saw their families through these eyes… they MIGHT not end up where they are (or were) today.
[01:26] Me: they would have tried a little harder… stopped the stupid bullshit… made the hard decisions to hurt someone else and not themselves..
[01:26] Me: you know… stuff like that.
[01:26] Me: i know that we never know….
[01:26] Me: what life has in store… *smh*
[01:26] Me: which makes all this over thinking so pointless, huh?
[01:27] GOD: nope
[01:27] GOD: the thinking is what makes you who you are
[01:27] Me: i can’t end up like my mom, God.
[01:27] Me: i just can’t.
[01:28] Me: she’s really the embodiment of disappointment.
[01:28] Me: but she never stood in the gap when she had the opportunity to deter… to forbid it entry…
[01:28] Me: she just let it wash over her… and now… that’s all she is. physical disappointment.
[01:28] Me: all the organs failing…
[01:29] Me: cancer growing…
[01:29] Me: depression set in deep
[01:29] GOD:….
[01:29] Me: i can’t.
[01:29] Me: she’s only 66.
[01:30] Me: my god mother? is OLDER than her
[01:30] GOD: right
[01:30] Me: and she’s a fuckin’ firecracker
[01:30] GOD: That? she is!
[01:30] Me: i dunno.
[01:30] Me: i’m sorry. i have so much on my mind.
[01:30] Me: i’m afraid to lose myself.
[01:30] Me: but I can’t stay who i am if i want to avoid the foreseeable future.
[01:31] Me: i gotta go down a different path.
[01:31] GOD: wow, hon.
[01:31] Me: maybe I’ll feel different once I have kids
[01:31] Me: then I’ll want to live forever to always be there for them, huh?
[01:32] GOD: maybe, maybe not…u may not want to be a burden to them. isn’t that what you said before?
[01:33] Me: it is…
[01:33] Me: it is…
[01:34] GOD: so, you’re gonna have to want to live for yourself
[01:34] GOD: no one else
[01:34] GOD: you can have the great quality of life at 70
[01:34] GOD: driving down the highway with your 40 year old pool boy
[01:34] GOD: like Morgan Freeman
[01:36] Me: …i hope

Thank God.

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