I want to embrace this energy. I know that change is hard and scary and daunting and necessary. Never has it really ever been fun (the process of change). But it can lead to fun… innovation… newness… a fresh take.
In the process though, things suck. I’ve not had an appetite as of late but it’s not just regular “not hungry”. The only thing I can relate it to is back when I was pledging. You always thought that people got skinny in that process because they were so busy running around and trying to get stuff done in advance of sets and whatnot that they didn’t have time to eat. But no. It’s that they were normally so disgusted with their life situation that the thought of food was the last thing on their mind. There was an abundance of availability of food when I was on line. But i just couldn’t bring myself to eat any of it… sickened by the state of my current life. It’s how I feel now. It gets bad enough toward the end of the day that I feel forced to eat something, to maintain existence. But I don’t get joy out of it. Just process.
The same is true of all things work/career. I’m going through motions constantly in a CYA mode at work. Making sure that folks can’t say I didn’t give them what they needed in order to be “successful” whatever that means. Answering all emails to the best of my ability. Even with interviews, I’m numbed after so that I don’t expect too much or get my hopes up too high. There’ve just been so many consistent disappointments. I am trying to protect what is left of my energy. I’m running out.
I want to be changed when this is all said and done. Changed for the better if it’s possible. Trying to see silver linings still. Trying to play out the best possible scenarios in my head. How this will all NOT end up in ruin. I need more things to look forward to.
In talking with some friends a while ago we concluded that life is tougher once you pass that 25-year mark because there are fewer definitive things to look forward to. The way society has it you have some landmark moments in life… born day.. 5 years old… 10 years old (double digits)… 13 (teenagedom)… 16 (womanhood) … 18 (adulthood) 21 (real adulthood?) 25 (silver year of life). And throughout those are distributed milestones – elementary school, high school, college, post-baccalaureate, establishing a career, falling in love, getting married, having kids, buying a house. Somewhere around 35… we peter out on milestones. Then 40 hits and we’re at the “halfway mark” And it seems like all downhill from there. But if we pan back… should you live to be 80, let’s say – you still have 25 years left of your career. Then still another 15 before you’re dead. That’s a LONG TIME to not have milestones/goals/highlights. So I think it may be on the individual to set their own milestones. Maybe that is what I can focus on. Give myself touchpoints going forward. There has to be more.
I keep replaying this story that Steve Harvey (i know…) told once about how there was a soul that passed and during judgment, God opened a door to this huge room of gifts and packages and the soul was like “What’s this??” and God was all, “These are all the gifts and miracles I had for your if you would have just claimed them, but you didn’t believe it was possible so I put them here hoping one day that you would but you never did.” I feel like I’m inadvertently passing on my room of gifts but I’m still darting around trying to find it. It’s too confusing.
This can’t be life.