it’s not a typical Friday for me.
I usually ride down Park Avenue, blasting the Breakfast Club because they’re playing all the celebrate Friday songs. I’m usually done up something fierce waiting to take over the world or at least make folks think that I already own it all when I strut myself down the street. I get to work and there’s an air of excitement for the weekend… a little “fuck it” in everyone’s system… a little more cash in everyone’s wallet… It’s usually good.
For no reason I can really point… I am truly sad today. About everything. I’ve had tears welled up in my eyes all morning. I’ve been staring off into nothingness if I’m allowed to do so for minutes at a time. I am so displeased with this life right now. The “how did I get here” and “what happened to my youth” and “I’m so lonely” are ganging up in my head to torture me to death today. It’s a death I’d welcome – if it would just mean the end of feeling like THIS. This lack of fervor. This absent feeling. This passionless void. Once you’ve had a life full of passion… it’s extremely hard to adjust to one without. I dare say impossible because I haven’t found a way to make it fit yet. I need to find some. This is my addiction. A project to consume my every thought. Someone to kiss me on my neck. A cause I would die for.
My daughter? While I love and would do anything for her that she needs… can’t be that. I’ve seen what that does to mothers and then in turn to the baby. There needs to be something to diversify it all. Plus, it’s different. I wish I could explain.
I just hope to stop crying soon. A word or two from mom would have done it. Because I knew she felt like me and it gave me hope that she lasted as long. Makes me wonder about growing old, then…. are they all just numb?
I just want to feel something.