Holding My Breath

It’s a habit of mine that I don’t know where I picked it up… nor do I know when I’ll ever be able to truly get it under control. I dare say that it’s a result of me regularly feeling that I’m anticipating something big. But I know that it’s not just that. I just hold my breath during random times in a day. And once my body and I have realized that I can no longer do that… I let out a huge sigh that sounds indicative of frustration or malaise… but it really isn’t either. I’m just… gasping for air. I was at a health fair recently where I went to one of the tables where they specialize in relaxation therapy. And I barely sat down in the woman’s chair when she leaned forward and asked me with concern and a calculated squint, “You hold your breath a lot… don’t you?” And I plopped into the chair mouth agape… and she exclaimed while she pointed at me “You’re doing it now… BREATHE!” She startled me so I breathed in and out… and answered her… And she told me about all the ways she could tell; my body language, my consistently furrowed brow, a paleness to my skin… all signs. I was amazed. Of course, I chalk it up to old age that i don’t really remember what else she said or what I should do about it – which undoubtedly was linked to her company’s service and would have some pretty penny that I’d have to fork over for said services (and also probably serves as the reason to why I don’t remember).

What I’ve realized of late is that I don’t just hold my breath at times. I hold my life. For the same basic reason. In anticipation. It’s a bad thing to do, I know, but it’s almost involuntary. Since May 12th, I have consistently held my life… as I introduced my body to all sorts of new things: Mitochondrial Energy Support pills, Co-Enzyme Q10, DHA, Folic Acid, Birth Control, Lupron, Lovenox, Progesterone in Oil, Progesterone Suppositories, Medrol, Estradiol, Gonal-F, Colace, Human Chorionic Gonadotrophin, Amoxycillin, Metronidazole, Ofloaxin, Terconazole, Phenazopyradine. *takes a breath*

Just to name a few.

Some pills. Some shots. Some salves. All more than this little girl takes in “medication” any given day. I rarely take aspirin for a headache (it’s got to be a REALLY REALLY bad headache). And the more meds I took… and the more I held my life in stasis… waiting to see what would happen next. All the side effects they told me would happen: moodiness, hot flashes, soreness, constipation, diarrhea, nausea, numbness, weight loss, weight gain, bloating, dehydradtion… you name it… I was suppose to feel it. So I held my life… held my breath and waited… because all of that was in anticipation of maybe becoming pregnant at the end of the cycle. So… smaller things in life took a back seat where they could – AKA in large part took a hit. Larger things became more magnified and took precedence and went under scrutiny… work, home life.

And here I am – on the other side of it all. Childless still – but with hope of trying several times again. In a new job that needs me and compensates accordingly. And refocusing on the things I put on hold. Detoxing for a little while and only keeping up with my vitamins and the diet on which I dropped 15 lbs… and finally

*exhaling*

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