Okay, Enough Already

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I’ve been keeping so much bottled in because I can’t stand the thought of it “getting out”… But you know what – I started this blogging experience way long ago when it was called journaling and i had a paper and pen (found ALL my journals in the excavation of my parent’s old apartment – even from elementary school). Fine – back then there wasn’t a “world audience” – but I truly believe there isn’t one here either. I’m writing to the universe and whoever else would like to chime in. I can’t let this not be my place of solitude. Maybe the time away has turned off some readers and thusly given me less eyes. I can deal with that. So then… a few random thoughts that have been going around in my head for the last few months.

I can’t BELIEVE “we” (meaning my brother) lost our birth home – I keep struggling when I write that last word. It wasn’t a house with a white picket fence and memories on the porch. But we grew up there. It WAS my home. It was where I defaulted to because mom and dad were there. And now I’m positive that strangers live there because shit didn’t work out the way it was supposed to. And now all I have are my watercolored memories of green plush couches and burgundy carpets (horrible, I know… but it’s what mom and dad did with the decor LOL)

I’m completely saddened by the earthquake in Haiti. But it’s opened my eyes to so much. I’ve learned more about my parent’s native country in the last few weeks than I had all my life growing up in a haitian household. I understand now why everyone has professional portraits for pictures and not just regular every day pictures. I mean… these people were EXTRA classy. And I understand better now. But the suffering. And the destruction. And the lack of people I thought who loved me checking in — to see if there was anyone I knew in the earthquake. But all I keep hearing is “I assumed that everyone you knew was up here by now.” My family is huge. There’s no way they could ALL be up here. But I’m supposing that it’s been enough death and destruction from me for a lifetime. It still hurts – total strangers checked in with me. *shaking my damned head* I check in on them when there’s so much as too much extra rain in their parts. But… you know… I shouldn’t be doing that in the hopes that they’ll do that for me. So I’ll get over it.

Work is really painful for me right now. 3 times the workload, 1/2 the recognition. My manager who I adored as the “best manager I’ve ever had” has recently had a change of… everything – heart / disposition / demeanor. Maybe that all comes with the birth of his child and probably having to deal with considerably more bullshit than normal. But he’s not the same and hasn’t been for a long time. Used to be that I could count on him to defend his team; provide guidance for us and LEAD us. But he’s pretty much let us all out to flail on our own lately. I guess it’s sink or swim time. It’s really a gyat damned jungle out there. *smh*

Wedded life is much better. I enjoy being with Earl. I have somehow managed to curb my libido down to a dull roar. Maybe this helps in making us better friends and well, so much for lovers. I’ll get it where I can take it. It’s still hellified painful that my best friend is so apathetic towards him after that incident with the emails. It feels very much like Mom & Nininne, but… angrier. Dad could still hang out with Mom and her and it wasn’t weird. But it’s very weird for me now. And will be weirder still when I have kids. Because I’m sure she’ll want to be a part of their lives… but their lives will be part Earl’s.

Sorority life is good and bad… GREAT new position that I’m enjoying very much! Some new sisters in the fold want to act as if I’m after their prized appointed positions. Truly? I’d been there and am not and all I have to say is – if you’re going to be all about business with me IN A SORORITY? I don’t need you – I have enough co-workers. I joined AKA to have SISTERS. Enough of this backstabbing, looking over your shoulder BULL SHIT. I’m done with those particular “women” – I use that quite loosely and will continue to socialize with the ones who are about fostering a sisterhood with me.

We go for consultations on the IVF on Thursday. I’m excited and yet nervous. I hope I’m ready

Hemorrhoids SUCK. And I better get them taken care of before I get pregnant because I can’t imagine this level of discomfort coupled with THAT level of discomfort.

My feelings turn so quickly these days. One day I’m in love with something – an idea, a painting, a thought, a thing… and the next day I could care less for it. People are beginning to be included.

Money continues to be a feast or famine issue for me. Right now I’m at an intermittent buffet… Not wanting for anything dire, but i could sure use some more.

I am the ultimate creature of comfort lately. I enjoy things that comfort me and make me comfortable. Unfortunately for me… all these things COST. So i either need to be comforted less or find more money.

I feel pretty good writing this stuff down finally. Hopefully I’ll continue to do so and won’t trap myself in my own head.



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