I looked back at the posts I made last year before the turn of the new year before I wrote today. I wanted to see how cyclical our thought patterns become right around 12/31 of every year. How we promise to ourselves to change everything that we don’t like, re-arrange the things we think could be better and overall, lay the path down for the new life we’d like to forge. And then… somehow, despite these very lofty and positive aspirations, by the December 31st, we end up cursing the year. Wishing it good riddance and looking forward to the next. I see a lot of people spitting upon 2008 on their way out as they usher in 2009 with their latest goals and hopes / resolutions. I was on the brink of doing the same. In all fairness… 2008… was a very bad year for me; emotionally – mentally – physically – spiritually. But what I realized when I really looked at it… I’ve been living one long continuous year since about 2000. One year rolled into the next, then into the next, then into the next… No real goals, no real plans… just trying to survive. Come out on the other end alive. And be thankful for that. I’ve treated the New Years as really just another day in that continuous span. Hoping that the goals I set long ago would achieve themselves without any further work or dedication from me outside of speaking wanting the goal. Praying that I’d wake up one day and realize that everything had changed for the better w/o any active participation from me. Thinking that smiling and keeping a happy outlook would ultimately make the sad parts of my world melt away.
After 8 years of this kind of thought process, I realize that 2009 has to be the end of this chapter of my life. I’m very tired of feeling that I’m living in a dream. I sat on the edge of my bed this morning, not quite completely convinced that I was all the way awake. I think often of the dream world that I phase in and out of and wonder if that version of me is getting anything accomplished either. I’ve tied myself up with a lot of busy work to feel that I’ve been productive. But actually – busy work is just that. I’ve looked busy. I’ve maintained a busy demeanor, but the real work I need to do ON ME, FOR ME, is piling up. 2009, I pray to tackle those items in force.
That dream that I had a few weeks ago really opened my eyes. It has been a very long time since I turned to myself and asked ME what I wanted. Thought about me first and did what made me happy despite what others would think and feel. So much so, that I’m not even IN TOUCH with what I really want anymore. By the end of 2009, I want to be able to say that I did at least 4 things that were truly on MY OWN LIFE’S agenda. Independent of anyone else’s timetable. Free of anyone else’s expectations of me or judgment from the masses. As of this year, there’s no one left that I’m living my life for (to say – that I’m not looking to impress or make anyone else proud – the people who birthed me did all they could and have moved on. Although they’re watching me from above, I doubt that it’s often and I hope that this “Better Place” that I’ve had to relegate them to in my mind would capt their attention more than the going-ons down here). That being said – I don’t care what anyone else thinks anymore. This is MY life and I have to do for me. I see what living your life completely for someone else can do (case in point: my mom). It withers you away. You cry at night all the time. You attempt to numb endlessly so that you don’t feel the erosion of your dreams.
THE ONLY PERSON IN EXISTENCE WHO HAS YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND FIRST? IS LOOKING AT YOU IN THE MIRROR.
2009 will be about getting in touch with her, finding out what her plans are and what she’s lacking and fill those needs. By any means necessary. Period.
My new vision is on the way.
Fare thee well, 2008.