The Presence of the Grace of God….
I didn’t know which title I’d like more. But Cleanse really cinches it. I’ll explain both now.
So it’s been almost a solid month since I last blogged. And I needed to stop for a moment. I’d gone back and read posts from years ago… posts from months ago… and then the last 10 posts and realized that there was an aweful lot of negativity building up on my pages. The site became my depot for negative feeling, which was fine because I could dump here and walk away feeling better. But it’s bad to leave that behind for y’all to absorb. That just isn’t fair. I can already hear some of my readers saying “well… that’s real, though…” which is true. But once upon a time my blog was a depot for HAPPY days too. It was a true mirror of my life – the ups and the downs. And as much as I may complain, I really have equal parts. The bad feels REALLY bad – but the good has me so high that I’m not even NEAR a computer to blog about it. And I remember a while ago, I wrote about the balance… and I maintain that. The trick is to find the line… and toe it… dance on it… balance beam on it… do an awesome cartwheel somersault and … well… not dismount. But be graceful on it. So that when you finally ultimately DO dismount, it’s met with a rousing round of applaud from your loved ones and friends – but MOST importantly… YOU look back at it and say “I did REALLY good!!!”
Lately though I’ve been wallowing in the mire. Inundating myself in negativity and being contented to do just that. I’d laid myself in this negative muck and had begun to cock my head back into it so it could consume me. Nothing was as I’d hoped it would be to this point. My personal life. My marriage. Mom. Money. All of it was wrong. All the time. I used to be able to see slivers of light from time to time. But now it was that neverending darkness that haunts my most frightening dreams. Constantly feeling for the door to light and never finding it. Like the weather here lately. I can count on my hands and still have fingers left over how many straight sunny days have been strung together (with NO RAIN AT NIGHT OR EARLY MORNING). We’ve not had a stretch of blue skies since…. last summer. The rain has been incessant. And how life imitates nature. The rains have been steady and driving and making me think that building an ark in my life is futile. But then I remembered a quote I’d heard a long time ago but never really took too much meaning into it till now:
Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.
I’d realized that there were going to be times in my life where I would hammer away at something and see no progress for a long time. But that doesn’t mean that change isn’t happening. A bamboo can flower anywhere from 20 to 120 years – but the process of change within the bamboo is happening to produce the flower. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not happening. I’d let the instant gratification nature of this current society seep into my world. And if it didn’t happen NOW cause I worked on it yesterday – it was NEVER going to happen and I should just give up now. Just lay down and die. But I’ve awakened from that thought process. I’ve ALWAYS known that if I want something, I can have it – provided that I work for it and towards it. But FIRST… I have to exit my comfort zone. Change can only take place during the irregular and the unfamiliar. (that’s why it’s change). So I had to pinpoint all the areas in life where I felt there was a stagnant nature… and do something… borderline drastic to get me moving again.
The first move? Was actually the lynch pin to it all. My hair.
Since December I’d been wearing a variety of wigs, weaves and falls to masque that my hair had been horribly damaged over the last 1 and 1/2 years. I suffered severe loss and breakage and didn’t know what to do about it. It was greatly exacerbated by the stress I was experiencing with the new married life, father dying, mom getting sick and then me going and hanging 10 oz of hair from the already stressed out scalp. But I had to hide it until I could do something about it. My hair was my beauty (copyright my mom 1976) and the way I’d been feeling about myself lately, if I didn’t have my hair – it was a wrap for me. NOTHING else was pretty about me. So my crowning glory had to remain. And so for 6 months I hid under my wigs and falls. Hiding the damage. Until one day I realized… this isn’t even MY beauty I was sporting anymore. It was someone / something else’s. And if I was going to be truly happy… with me? I had to display me – just like I’ve always. With 6 months of new growth on my head, I did a lot of research now – I was at a cross roads. I could cut it short and perm it into a cute straight style… Or I could cut all the relaxed ends off and explore this texture I’d not yet gotten to know.
I opted for the latter. On June 21st I had my “big chop” and cut off the remainder of the relaxed portions of my hair. I now shake shake shake my Tee Double U AY…every morning. It’s so funny because when I had long hair, I’d do it up, do my makeup and then think to myself… okay – you look good enough to go out. And leave the mirror. NOW? I make LOVE to myself in the mirror. I’m like “OOOH – you so cute!! GO ON girl with your bad ass!!! WORK IT!!!” And I’m so not ashamed to let you know that I talk to myself in the mirror.
I AM FIERCE.
This attitude has taken over pretty much everything else. I’ve cut back (SEVERELY) on the drinking. Now if I DO drink I try to keep it to just wine or something that I feel I can digest easily and NOTHING over 2 glasses. I’m not attempting to get “shitfaced” any longer. Just nice. And early enough that I don’t have coma-esque sleep like I’ve been having. I’ve started controlling my portions and what I eat more. I’ve begun oil pulling. I was even looking into going raw (but err umm… i don’t know if i can go THAT far LOL). I have to retain a LITTLE bit of ME
I’m on the path. I set my feet on it, I will walk it. I will NOT be denied. By ANYONE. This is me. No one is going to live my life FOR me. So I can’t let the situations around me dictate how I’ll feel about it. I run this ship. It’s MINE to steer through calm and choppy waters. MINE. I am the voice of reason I listen to – no one else’s – because THEY don’t have to wake up to being ME every day.
That’s tough talk 2 weeks in – I know – but I’m willing to keep it up and LIVE THIS LIFE for ME.