I dreamt that I gave birth tonight. While lying here in my bed i felt the pangs of labor… Or whatever I’ve imagined them to be. And I set up my laptop on the chair next to me and googled “how to deliver a baby by yourself”.
I got the page open and followed the instructions to the best of my understanding, all the while marvelling at what little pain I was feeling. It was more a sense of urgency and a deep yearning to rush the baby out that made me feel discomfort. There was a concern that the baby’s arm was above its head snd the website addressed this issue, but I felt and heard voices carry me through the process… My own little ER in my mind. But I was quite lucid that I was in my bed, in my bedroom alone.
I started gentle and steady pushing. And the website said something about delivering a baby bottle first… Then the baby. Strange. But I was confident that wouldn’t happen to me. The sense of urgency increased and I pushed and pushed and pushes and pop… I felt the urgency stop… And I sat up to take inventory. It was laying on its side with it’s back to me so I gently turned it over while this overwhelming feeling of worry compelled me “is it alive? Oh lord…. Please let it not be stillborn”. I looked at this creature… Still really foreign to me… Worrying… “Did I do it wrong by deciding to deliver it myself? Oh God… I hope I didn’t mess its chances of survival.” I wiped away as much “stuff” as I could from its face and nose and stared and hoped… Please be alive… Please be in tact… Please be healthy… Please be unique… Please intelligent… Please show me the most wonderful and amazing process in life: motherhood. Its eyes opened slowly… And it smiled at me (i say it because I never checked for gender). That smile allayed all my fears. I knew it was going to be all of those things and more. But it never cried. Just quietly waited for the next step. And so did i… Holding my newborn in my arms. And then I woke up.