Insecure

I just awoke from the worst nightmare that I’ve had in a lot of years. I’m pretty distraught right now, still. And it’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that makes me this mad, this far after waking up. The details of the dream are sketchy, but it was one that seemed to last for an eternity, although I’m sure in reality it was probably two minutes of my sleep this morning. But after waking from it… I couldn’t go back to sleep. In mid-sob, I woke up and I’ve not been able to unfurrow my brow. So I figured if I blogged about it, maybe I could help my mind find the line between my dreaming state and my waking state.

Again… details are sketchy… but the whole experience takes place at some kind of port. I’m assuming Air… but the dream indicates that won’t be the kind of transportation that we’ll be taking. But we’re waiting around. I’m there, my baby is there and just random other people from our lives. Sitting around, eating a lot of junk from the convenience area while we wait for our departure. For some reason, as we’re waiting, I guess we start to all play some truth game. Not really truth or dare, but some kind of game that makes us reveal something about ourselves that no one knows. And this whole time I’m feeling like I’m floating above the whole situation but I’m in there and I’m participating. After a few go-arounds my baby answers a question to the tune of… he’s in love with someone else. Just like that. It hit my dream self like a ton of bricks that he was trying to alleviate by explaining how it happened. How he managed to be mentally involved with another woman; how he didn’t plan for it to happen; how nothing has happened yet on the physical plane; how one day something just went off in him. All the phone conversations and IMs and texts and weekends away and late nights at work… it was all piecing together like a horrid puzzle from some sherlock holmes book. And as my mind put them all together… the abyss came.

The abyss… is a way I used to describe this never ending… cavernous abscess in the depths of my soul. If I had to describe WHERE in my body the abyss was… it starts just below my eyes and goes way beyond the bottom of my stomach. And there is a wind that howls through it… at my lowest, loneliest, most hopeless times. We’re not talking an everyday hum either. We’re talking a serious tornado style HOWLING that possesses my mind and body and it’s a mantra for the pain I’m feeling at the time. I’ve experienced the abyss more times than I care to admit. And I hate it EVERY TIME. Always when I think something is one way but I’m casually informed it’s another… and I’ve based a huge portion of my life on how I thought something was. The unearthing of the truth has a way of uprooting everything I knew to be true and stable in my world.

But I’ve never felt the abyss in a dream. I’ve always felt it in real life. So to feel this feeling … in somewhere so unreachable and surreal has me shaken. In the dream, I reacted to the abyss the way I’ve always. This overextended, hot tear having, chest heaving, scream like your dying cry that lasts hours. All the while, each sob is powered by the realization of something else that you thought was true, being dismissed by reality. Each heave of your chest makes you just want to lay down and die cause you can’t take it anymore. Then all the questions: “What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I enough? Why did he lead me on? Why did he lie to me? What’s wrong with me that no one can stay in love with me? Why can’t I get this right? I don’t want to be alone forever. What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong?” Because it had to be my fault.

So I woke up in mid-heave… still crying in the dream… and residue of those tears in real life. I took inventory of where I was… laying in bed next to my baby… quiet Sunday morning… came in late from a party last night, etc. And was scared / angry / paranoid to be back in this reality… where if something was happening… I still didn’t know.

Somehow my brow has unfurrowed and I might try to go back to bed now that I’ve vented it out and try not to take my dream of insecurity out on my real life.

*

Leave a Reply