Categories: bad day, esteem, figuring it out, mischief, why am i doing this again?

I’m sitting here listening to Shuggie Otis’ Inspiration Information and I’m marveling at what music can do. Take you back mentally to a place that you had long forgotten. What is this new feeling that I feel now?┬áThis… yearning to go back there just to feel it again. Whatever I was feeling back then. Used to be that memories were just… fond. Now I shake my head and think… “oh … just to feel that way one more time”… or “if I had known that I’d never feel that way again… I would have reveled a little longer”. Track 8: Pling!……To be younger… prettier… free and a world of choices ahead of me. Waking to a sunlit room… wooden and cream… and there being peace and stillness… all around me. Feeling warm and safe. Loved. Desired. And nothing mattered to me beyond the confines of that space. I could relive that moment for an eternity. But even in memory, it’s only a moment. I still remember what comes next… and all it does is break that peaceful sensuousness. The older I get… the more I don’t mind not being in that particular moment. It was nestled in a cradle of lies, anyway. But… ah how ignorance is BLISS.

I’ve been wishing to connect with someone. Especially on days when I don’t have much going on. Used to be that I would leave work late… because of chatting and chatting and chatting. I fell in love with the internet because of the unlimited possibilities of connection I could have with another human being. Folks that I could talk to till the wee hours. About nothing. About everything. Funny how that connection is even there through something as impersonal as typewritten words flashing on a screen. But it’s real. Someone is the cause and you’re the effect… or vice versa. But now I run home… and the IM is on… but no one is really there. Or if they are… no one is really there to chat: “just checking email… I’m outta here”. I feel like I’m clawing at them to stay… STAY AND TALK TO ME!! I don’t know what stops me from just finding another chatroom and getting acclimated. That would be the immediate resolution. What am I running from? What thoughts are so scary that I need to keep occupied in order not to think them?



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