I’m on the plane now headed to Charlotte and I’m taking a minute just to write and relax. I slept a little while the plane was taxiing waiting for departure. I dare say it’s the best sleep I’ve gotten in a little while. Usually is. I was a little nervous last night about the flight thought – but then again, I usually am. But particularly last night because I noticed my left foot was rather swollen. Not swollen from some kind of injury, per se. But swollen from water retention. I’ve retained water before but it’s never made my foot look like that. So I called my brother and asked him what he thought I should do. His first recommendation was to not fly with my leg in this condition – well… that wasn’t really going to happen. Something about we don’t know what the cause of this is and we don’t want a pressurized situation making it worse, yadda yadda. Then I thought – well, Mommy’s legs have been swollen… pretty much all of my life. She must know all the secrets to bringing it down or getting it under control. So I called her. She had nothing to offer. She knew no solutions. She didn’t even take a stab at the solution or offer me some kind of recourse. I was on my own. Feeling that way a lot lately. I thought for a moment that I’d have VM’s company on this flight but I mis calculated in my mind the events of us booking our flights and she was on a flight 1 hour earlier than mine. So it’s just me and my lappie.
So my brothers words resonated with me about the whole… circulation, altitude, thrombosis, possible stroke scenario that we’ve heard so many places about flying and what it does to your veins. I felt especially tense about flying today. As if I’m putting myself in greater jeopardy than I normally would in a flying situation. The sensation was tantamount to when I got into that small car accident with D and I had this horrid headache all day. Someone planted it in my head that sometimes the result of those headaches is your brain swelling when you finally sleep and then you die. I was so scared. I gave Earl all of my passwords that night… told him where everything was and made sure he knew how much I loved him. And we were just dating at the time. This time, I didn’t feel the need to divulge all the secrets. There really are none. And although I quietly expressed my nervousness at flying… it was met with…. I’m not going to say, indifference. But maybe… lack of concern. I was sent off with a peck on the lips and and a “it’ll be okay” short form speech. I listen to Alicia Keys sing that song and I swear I feel that I try – and have always tried – to give them the love and adoration I would if I knew I’d never see them again. Seriously? In this world – you NEVER know.
I remember sitting by Charles’ bedside the night before he died. And we were chatting. And before we wrapped up and I headed home, he held my hand and said, “You know, I love you.” And for once, I was placed in that decidedly weird place I must have put the whole rest of the world that isn’t ready to hear me say that to them. This was someone I’d never said it to – but felt it for deeply. He was my brother. He was very special to me and I knew he was so sick. I didn’t ever want to believe that he would pass. That night I learned what a hospice truly was. I replied in kind… “I love you too, Charles.” And they were the last words we exchanged. You just never know.
I doted on my husband this morning. He was extra fine. Just… chocolatey and beautiful. Walkin’ around slightly bowlegged and manly… I complimented him many times… and expressed how wondrous he is to me. He is. Sometimes I feel bad for loving him the way that I do. Maybe it’s presuming too much. Maybe he’s interpreting it as having to love me back that much – or in that way – and he just doesn’t know how to do that. And it a lot of ways, I wish he would. A lot of what I do in life, I do it as example of what I would love done to / for / with me. As a result, I come off as reallllly excellent to people. It’s just what I would hope that folks would do for me… Maybe that’s unfair. But you know me… All or nothing. If I don’t give it every drop of love I feel and every hint of emotion that passes through me – then I give it nothing. I wish I could find midgrounds.
Maybe that should be the goal this year. Find midgrounds. It’s eluded me all this life. Maybe I can make time to get there soon.
Speaking of Midgrounds – we’re arriving in Charlotte, NC. Midpoint in my travels.
Will write again on the next flight (if it’s long enough).