Just like that… I’m days away from being nothing like I’ve been for 40 years. A world of things have converged on a single point to make it so that I have to abandon all that I’ve done, been, believed in and pursued… all at once. If I want to make it down the next 40 years, by the grace of God, things have to change. It’s pretty frightening. I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be… and all I’ve ever known of me is who I am now. Who I’ve been for a while. Maybe not the whole 40. But definitely been this way for a solid 15 to 20.
When I think about it… I started putting the wheels into motion for this in March. I’m not sure why I’m so shocked at how this date has arrived already. I suppose it’s the same thing for how I look at my sweet baby daughter and cannot BELIEVE it’s been 3 years. Although I’ve savored and felt the minutes go by and stared at her and kissed her and held her tight every chance I got… I still feel a little pang for the days when she was tiny, in a crib. But she couldn’t talk to me then. She couldn’t tell me what was on her mind. She couldn’t make me have full belly laughs at her version of comedy. And I love all of that. She just seemed to move away from that when I wasn’t paying attention… and I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to that version of her. But – maybe I wasn’t supposed to.
I am getting to properly farewell Victoria 3.0, though. I imagine the way I’ve been behaving is perhaps some modicum of how someone pronounced terminal may behave. The last of this. The final that. Even though I’ve been going through all the pains of doing it that way… I’m already mourning the loss of this girl. She isn’t perfect. She didn’t always do things the right way or the way the masses would. She definitely had her quirks… but she was mine. She was me. A survivor. A cope-er. A hustler. A do-er, go-er, getter. But now I’m a mother. And I have to find a way to extend this shit. Squeeze every drop of life out of this here body and what I’ve been doing is NOT going to cut it.
Athena deserves more. YOU deserve better.
So… Victoria… I will cherish fondly the memories… the tastes, the smells, the sensations… the entire experience of having been you. It’s been ILLUSTRIOUS!
I love you… thank you. It’s time for you to evolve. Good bye.
4.0 here I come.