I know… it’s been a long time since you heard from me. I know that you’ve missed me a little….
It was wrong of me to just drop off the face of the earth like that. But when you think about it – our relationship started out in much the same way so it’s poetic in a way. But there’s a very important reason you haven’t heard from me and I’ve gotten up enough strength to tell you to your face… well… in a letter.
This summer was a whirlwind. When we met, I was feeling pretty low on myself. Even though I would dress up pretty and make my hair do beautiful things it could have never accomplished with a perm, I wasn’t getting any feedback. Feels like the only person that was telling me anything was me in my own mirror. That had me feeling pretty down every day – so behind my smile there was all this sadness. I was in a stressful position at work at the time… things were just rough all around.
But then you came out of nowhere… and told me that I was the best… the best you ever had — and I believed you, because I wanted to and I really needed to. So I started to listen to what you had to say more carefully. You were always talking about rolling with Young Money, being up all night and making the high life sound like where it was at! Somehow you managed to take Sade’s musical melancholy and blend it with the party-downstairs feeling of muted base and blurred lights that I’d always lived for and spoke words I needed to hear over it all. I took a good look at you and you were boyishly cute. Never thought I’d fall for your type, but your swagger and demeanor had me sold. At the end of the day, that’s all anyone has forever. So we started to go steady. You kicked game to me every day in my car telling me how fancy you thought I was and when I was getting ready for us to go out on the town, you instructed me to put those fucking heels on and work it girl – let that mirror show you what you’re doing. I won’t mention what you told me to do when we got home… Straight fireworks. I hadn’t felt so light and pretty and wanted and sexy in a long time. You were MY favorite, even though you kept bringing up that Minaj girl. I can’t hate – she’s beautiful, talented and IS from Queens, afterall… how can you resist? But I knew that I was your number one when we spent my birthday night signing and rapping to each other. It was a concert was just for me and the thousands watching were just observing to see what real passion looked like. I was on cloud nine then… The city was ours.
But I have to come clean to you finally… You haven’t seen me because I’m with child. And it’s not yours. And as much as you made me feel young and pretty and wanted — the life I’m preparing for now is the one I always wanted and need to get my mind right for. You have years ahead of you full of fun, frivolity, fame and carefree living. But I want you to know that you saved me from me and saved my swagger this summer when I thought I’d lost it all. I’ll always be grateful for that because now I can teach that to my little baby girl when she gets older and she’ll be all of those things without ever having to ask for validation or permission.
I promise to always give the world me – the real me.