Another mommy dream.
This one… wasn’t so bad at all. I still wake up with this horrible empty feeling that just solidifies knowing I’ll never see her in my waking life again. But in this dream… she was so much more herself than in the others.
Scenario in this dream – she was dying. But this time? She knew it. She had embraced the fact and was preparing for it. She was surrounding her self with friends and family and talking to them for long periods of time. And when the pain would get to be too much, she’d gently ask for time to rest and recoup. And we’d give it to her graciously. One day (in the dream) as the end was drawing near, she asked to go to the park with us. (which we did do in real life… but it was just the park behind the nursing home. That was the last time she breathed fresh air outside). So she and I dressed in yellow sun dresses (her favorite) and we wheeled her out to the park. We sat there and chatted with everyone. My friends were there and doting on her. And at one point, I asked them to give me a moment with her. They said sure. It started to rain – like a sunshower. And I looked DEEP into my mommy’s eyes…. And the serenity and love coming from her face…. radiated all over me. It was so familiar and is so lacking in my life these days. I tried to muster up all the feeling I had inside so that maybe she’d really FEEL my word when I said them this time. So that perhaps she wouldn’t think I wasn’t just a silly little girl with a huge crush on her mommy. That maybe this time she’d hear me and know what an UNBELIEVABLE impact she had on my life. How I’ll never be the same for having had her in my life and for now being without. She smiled at me as there was still silence between us. I fought back tears. “Mommy….” I stammered. “You have always been my idol. I know I say it and you might dismiss it. But you are my whole world. I NEVER took for granted all that you sacrificed for me…” She reached up and wiped my tears as tears formed in hers… Here’s where I realized this wasn’t real. I may not get a chance to be like this with her again soon. “I MISS YOU MOMMY… I miss you like…” and she nodded as if to say “yes, petite cocotte… me too…” The dream started to fall away… and her sunny visage became distant…I came of the dream murmuring… “Like the sun misses the sky….”
Laying there I felt silly for a moment. I always do when my dream spills out into my reality and I act upon it. But the embarrassment was quickly replaced by contentment. She heard me. I just wish that feeling wasn’t swallowed up by the emptiness of existence.
2 years draws nigh…