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I had an odd thought just now, on the way home after picking up varied necessities from the drug store for my mother’s aches and pains. Kind of a strange thought and one that I haven’t entertained since I was younger and the liklihood of it was probably more. What if there was a surgery that my mom could have done without risking her current conditions that would make her lose weight, and in turn become active and bring her health closer to that of a normal 65 year old? What would life be like?

I used to fantasize about a “fully functioning Mom” when I was a teenager – who would want to go with me to the mall and hang out with me and my friends and be into cute clothing and politics and maybe even want to catch a movie or something every now and again. One who would want to exercise with me and be fully capable of driving and having a whole life outside the house with friends she played cards with on weekday nights and the occasional bal that she may attend.

What would that be like now? Knowing how my family never looks their age… She’d look about 45, petite in stature and long hair which her vanity would have her camouflaging her salt and pepper. She’d still be into cute clothing and shoes – but more of the Ann Taylor, Bolton’s style that she’s been accustomed to. Maybe she would learn how to drive… Maybe evem take my advice and become an AKA (to rebuild her friend base). Maybe she’d travel and see the parts of the world she’d love to see. Maybe she’d find the courage to admit to herself that she should have left my dad when she had the chance. No way she’d do that now because her heart is entirely too big. But she certainly wouldn’t let him continue to hold her back / down any longer… Or would she? Would she be more talkative and less “plainy” ? Would she be more open about the experiences in her life and feel less like her life is nullified by her current state of being? Who would she be?

I love my mommy as is. As does any child, unconditionally. I just still wish she had a second chance and wanted it as badly for herself as I do for her.



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