If I should…

Categories: death, fear, why am i doing this again?

If I should….

So I was in my first car accident today. It was pretty scary. DB and I were driving and the traffic in front of us came to a dead halt. With her usual driving acumen, she stopped with enough room not to have hit the person in front of us… but the chick behind us didn’t have the wherewithal…. and slammed into us and pushing us into the car ahead. No damage was done to the cars, but the girl responsible for it all, of course, didn’t feel the need to get out and check to see if anyone was hurt… and she sped off before anyone could get her info. We were really jolted / jostled… and I got that funny feeling in my head when you hit your head against the wall (when you’re a kid… of course). You can see the stars and almost feel them… and there’s a weird sensation in the back of your throat. I’d like to attribute being so aware of these feelings in today’s incident, more so than when I’m in the bumper cars at the amusement park, because today is supposed to be so serious and folks have lost their lives in incidents like today, rather than in freak playland accidents.

It’s making me a little afraid to go to sleep tonight. Bad enough that I’m a hypochondriac to the nth degree… but now I have fears of falling into a coma… brain swelling… death… while I rest. My baby and I went to see Starsky and Hutch tonight and on the way home (when I realized that he’d rather drop me home then go home himself than for me to stay with him and we come back here in the morning…) that I may not wake up altogether the same tomorrow. All my passwords and bank acct. info came out. I realized that no one knows where those are. But now, he does. I gazed at the moon and the skyline for a while. Gosh… I’d miss those. I can’t imagine that where I’d go would be so bad… but I would miss the NYC skyline… much like I miss the original now. Comforting thought: if I could just remember half of what I experienced on this earth… my next life will be SO GOOD! I’ll do so many things right that I mucked up this time. I’m so dramatic. I’m sure nothing will happen. But… Just in case… I’d miss the world… crazy as it is. It’s the little things I’d miss most:

  • Saturday mornings as a kid waking up with my brother to watch cartoons
  • Laying on my mom’s hip as she rubs her fingers through my hair and watches her soaps
  • The smell of fresh bread and coffee brewing from the Junction Blvd station of the 7 on a brisk winter morning
  • My grandma’s humming while she cooks or washes the dishes
  • My dad pounding out some tune on the piano for no reason at all, besides practice
  • Belly aching tummy laughs with Sug and Max that can’t seem to get duplicated anywhere else.
  • A genuine thank you.
  • A sincere apology.
  • Playing in the snow.
  • Trying on a new outfit and knowing that NO ONE is prettier than me.
  • Hearing that I look just like my mom.
  • The view of the Twin Towers from my dorm room
  • Swinging on the swings behind St. Francis Prep.
  • Learning and understanding something new in school.
  • The feeling of empowerment I have upon cashing a check and knowing I can help someone now.
  • Hanging out with my brother and feeling a real sense of not being alone on this earth.
  • Earl’s smile… full toothed and uncompromised.
  • Crying when I hear Ave Maria
  • Waking after a good night sleep
  • Sleeping… after a long day of living.

    …and the memories of all of this.



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