Here I am… I spent the whole day in my room. With the exception of when I went to breakfast with the girls this morning. They took me to IHOP. I had taken them to dinner at Tony Roma’s yesterday. I woke up this morning feeling really sick… once again, I drank too much last night. I did NOT have fun at that party…except when the strippers came out. (Yes… strippers…) I never thought I’d see the day when I was no longer shy of strippers. I really used to be scared of them… till Cyndi’s bachelorette party. I guess that experience really let me feel that I could totally be in that environment with no problem. It’s actually kind of fun. And I guess that since now I’m single, I don’t feel many reservations about being in that situation. I surprise myself because at the parties now, I’m not afraid to look at the men going by. And boy there is SO much to look at. (moreso here than up north). For some reason, the men up north are so boring to me now. But there is MUCH eye candy down here. Unfortunately, I guess till I lose this weight, I’m gonna feel like a big old ugly predator looking at these men. I really have so much work to do on my self esteem. I’m kind of scared of all the work ahead of me and it feels like it’ll never be done. For some reason, I seem to attract the wrong men. I think I deserve pretty men too… and I know that maybe there are some out there… that would be attracted to me. I’m not hideous. I’m actually pretty to a couple of folk. A lot actually. I guess there are just so many more thin pretty females that I am like a plan B.
Like when I got into it with Adonis…I really didn’t feel like he was really there… you know. Like there was no passion and desire coming from him. He claims that I was the first one he’d been with since he and his “serious” girl broke up . And perhaps that was the reason why there weren’t those feelings eminating from him…but still. I guess I really just want someone who I find attractive to be head over heels for me. I find Shawnnie very attractive and he’s head over heels for me. But I dunno when he’s gonna clean up his situation. I can’t marry him till he does. Then I really have to determine if that is what I want to do. I guess time will reveal.
I came to a serious realization when I was down here. I was talking to Frat about when they might have a national function in NY (I was actually talking to J.) and he was like, they are in 2006. Then I did the math. I’ll be 31. I would hope to GOD that I’m not still running around with SkeePhi at that point. And that by then I would have gotten my act together with my own organization and that I’d’ve climbed the ladder of success that I just seem to be leaning on right now. I can’t shake this feeling that I seem to have had all my life… that I’m not getting something. There is something about this world that I don’t understand. And I’m thinking that everyone around me understands it and that is why they are able to get along in the world so well. And I swear if I ever get a hold of this elusive piece of information, there will be nothing that can stop me. But I don’t even know where to begin. And I wonder if everyone else feels this way too. I only heard one person come close to describing what it feels like. And it was in the movie The Matrix. Morpheus was saying to Neo how he had this feeling like there was something he couldn’t understand about the world, like a splinter in his mind. I tell you, that one line had be tripping for the whole night. Because that is the first and only time that I ever felt anyone described it as perfectly as I feel it. But what is it? Where do I begin looking for it. I know it’s not “the matrix”. So what could it be for me? I pray that I find it. Sometimes I hope that I come across a class that teaches it. I’d be so studious. Just in the pursuit of this thing that is so out of my grasp.
I just fixed my hair for tonight. Another shot at validating my ever fleeting beauty. I asked Vernie yesterday if she thought I had a mustache… she said yes. I think that was the lowest point for me in a long time. So now… not only do I have this dayumed beard that I have to take care of all the freaking time… I have a mustache too. I never thought that I would… and I thought that what I was seeing was just a shadow. So… now I have more problems to take care of as far as hair is concerned. I don’t want to start waxing and having the hairs get worse or have hairs that are dormant and get them pulled and have them get all crusty and hard. Well Kace is here so we about to have a good time!! I guess I’ll write later.