On November 30th, I wrote:
“…If i isolate my esteem in this deprivation tank
how long might it take me to
hallucinate about what i think is happening
and will the process of reconvincing myself to “reality”
ultimately drive me insane
waking from this nightmare
strapped into restraints and
straddling the wall of reason
laying prone to fate
with circumstance prepping in line.
But i chose to test my threshold
when nothing else was wrong. ”
And while the imagery maybe hard for others to extract, it’s so clear to me and honestly… I have to give my self the chance to admire my own writing – even if it only speaks to me. I spend so much time sweating everyone else’s. I’m pretty damned good for someone who wasn’t “taught” to write. I’m proud of me.
I was thinking this morning… sometimes this world is just futile. From the time that we’re little kids, we’re taught that there’s “someone out there for us” and we have to “find them”. So from childhood, we look for these qualities in someone. As we grow and change, our tastes and experiences fine tune what we’re looking for and we narrow in on someone who comes “close”. Sometimes, we even marry that person. Make a life with them. Settle in and have a whole family. Get to know what each day is like WITH them in it. And then… inevitably… someone dies. And you have to reacquaint yourself with life without them. The thought scares me. I don’t really know a life “alone”. I’ve always had family and friends and loves. I can’t say that truly alone is anything I’ve ever been. And the thought of it down the line does scare me. Especially with someone like my baby. There really is NO replacing him. He is one of a kind… and unfortunately, that kind died out a long time ago. Morbid thoughts… 2 more of my Sorors lost their husband in the last month. And they’re all aged ladies who’d been married since they were in their 20’s. I can only imagine what they’re going through.
Floating because I’m between here and nowhere today. I got in to work super late today and was semi-productive. And then it happened around 4:30… all things came to a head and suddenly 90 things were required of me post haste. And I was frazzled again. I hate feeling frazzled. But I worked through it. I’ll be getting out early tomorrow due to circumstances at work that I won’t get into, but that make me HORRIBLY uncomfortable. But… round about 3:00, I won’t have command of my computer so I was told by IT to “prepare to go home early”. Wonder if they’ll let me back into the building. After the hurriedness of today, I went to dinner at Olive Garden with D. It was fun. We laughed and talked and drank (YAAAAAAAAAAAY FINALLY!!!) and then rode the train home and talked some more. It was good…we hadn’t hung like that in a while. I was buzzed when I was on the train, but I’m pretty straight and narrow now. Just chillin. Totally relaxin in my “more than a handful” M&M night-tee and feeling… tired actually. Maybe even… enough to go to sleep. 🙂