A conversation held between me and the hubby the other day:
Him: The baby is going to LOVE you.
Me: You think so??
Him: HECK Yeah!
Me: *screwface* I mean… what makes you say that?
Him: Well… did you love YOUR mom?
Me: Are you kidding? LOVE her? I worshipped her. She was my idol. There was no woman prettier, smarter, more amazing or kinder in the world. She was everything.
Him: *”i told you” so look on his face* – well. There you have it.
The verbal conversation stopped there, but in my mind, I responded – but… all that my mom did… she fully deserved that love and admiration from me, my brother and anyone else who crossed her path. The selflessness. The sacrifices. They were all apparant to me all my life. What will I have done – outside of the surgeries and procedures to GET me pregnant (which might seem … well… self serving from a given angle) that will match that kind of angel-like behaviour that will merit admiration and love from this little one flipping about inside?
When I was an Amway Distributor, one of the philosophies they taught us was a concept called “Creating the Pull”. They were grooming us all to be leaders, but what’s leading if you have no followers? What’s worse – if you have proclaimed “followers” but no one wants to be where YOU, in particular, are. So the concept of creating a pull – put enough distance between you and your “followers” in the achievement and attainment of dreams that makes it look like you are further ahead and wish they could hang with you but they’ve got x-amt of work to get done before they can achieve your success. Accomplishing this by sending postcards from beautiful places that you’ve managed to be able to go as a result of your hard work and wishing they could be there… but they haven’t reached the success level required for them to earn that particular trip. Or cars or clothes or free time… all the things they dangled before you as rewards for your work. I’d gotten many a post card from tropical places “wishing I was there”. And it made me want to work harder so that I could participate. I wanted to belong to THAT group.
In a lot of ways and without any kind of effort on her part, my mom “created a pull”. She didn’t tell me too much about herself. She just carried herself with poise, grace, determination, pride and love. She was all the things a grown woman should be in my mind and in my eyes and without dangling it in front of me… she made me want to be as much like her as I could possibly be. There were some things about myself that I’d never be able to shrug off that were quintessentially ME – the social butterfly, the commensurate performer, the boy-crazy little girl… Those were just parts of me that I had to know were uniquely mine and not like her at all. But everything else? I wanted to emulate her. The wit. The style. The mystery. The cool-under-pressure. Personality wise, she was a female James Bond (to me). And of course – while I learned more and more about her very human personality and flaws as the years passed, it took a very long time to get me to the point where she wasn’t just about able to walk on water in my opinion.
That same mystery brought certain distance between us though. While I was always aware that my mom was never supposed to be my “friend” or my “pal” – I felt she left the earth without me really KNOWING who she was. There was a whole other woman that existed before the married mother I came to idolize. There was the single, gorgeous, adventurous youngster growing up in Haiti who had a penchant for wearing short things and was always thinking about her cousins and family and showed it by visiting and chatting with them often. The woman who existed before my father married her. I only get glimpses of her in stories from her counterparts and cousins who are still with us. Making the myth of my mom even more elusive and glamorous.
I don’t know what this little one is going to think of me. I might be so busy wanting her to love me as much as I loved my mom that I’d do all the wrong things… say all the wrong things. She’d just end up being a Daddy’s Girl… and maybe not thinking much of me at all. I know that I think she’s the bees knees already… I guess… I just have to be myself and hope that she loves me just as much.