Deafening

It can be the most disjointing thing, in all of it’s simplicity. When you’ve called out into the darkness and the response is more darkness… it’s hard to quiet the part of you that is dying for a response. But I’ve often found that if you manage to succeed in calming that anxiety, you’ll hear the answer loud and clear.

In talking to a friend of mine a few months ago on a ride to somewhere – who knows, I just get in my car and drive sometimes and she was my unknowing passenger victim that day – we discussed reunions with exes (which I rarely do anymore and really never did with anyone that the break up was especially bad with). She talked about a trip she was taking to Florida and how she was going to meet up with someone she dealt with previously. Now, from my POV, the details are fuzzy, but this guy did everything in the book that equaled stomping her heart out (if her heart was in it – I’ll never assume but for the sake of this example, lets say it was). Lies, betrayal, deceit about another woman – the whole gambit. So when she said she called him up to see what he was up to, that registered a syntax error for me. Someone who’s hurt me that badly would never have the privilege of being with or around me ever again (should I manage to steal away from them – it’s hard to break long term habits). I could be visiting next door to where they lived; they’d never hear from me, much less hang out with me ever again. She took the very “love thy neighbour” point of view on it and stated that you shouldn’t shut folks out and why hold grudges, etc etc. I get that. But it’s not for me. I’ve unfortunately been a big fan of the Old Testament “eye for an eye” philosophy when it came to my sensitivities and being hurt. And although I may not go out of my way to try to HURT you in return… I’ll just remove myself from your life. And if that hurts you? Good. If it doesn’t? Well – i didn’t really belong there to begin with? Did I? It saddens me more to know that that particular person stood her up for the plans that they made when it was all said and done. I’m a true glutton for punishment when it comes to my heart and the people I love and although love is something I have in large supply, esteem is limited. So I can’t leave it open to attack often. I MUST try to retain the small portion that I call my own.

Another friend of mine told me of a blowout she had with her very best friend (at least, up to that point). No details here. Harshness was exchanged and the years of confidence that they invested in one another turned into poison tipped daggers that they hurled at each other with alacrity (over email). The primary volley coming from my friend’s friend. She let me know that she did fire back. And while the content of the emails was… staggering, (I stood with my mouth agape for a few moments taken aback by the sheer indelicacy and ill bred manner in which it was all delivered) I believe here too, my response would have again been silence. Driving in the car with my Nininne the other day she reiterated to me a lesson she’s always taught me. “Think HARD about the words you’ll use. Because they are irrevocable once spoken.” There are things that were said to me decades ago that I remember as if it was yesterday. And unfortunately, they still carry the sting with them. I was much less quick witted then – hence my silence at that point. Because my best comeback would resemble, “Oh yeah? well… I know you are but what am I?” But years of training have made the wit and comeback reactions so sharp… I could really hurt that person. And while it feels good in the short term, who knows what the fates have in store for our union.

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