I had a rather unsettling night last night. I know… that’s not news anymore. I went to sleep rather early after a dinner of Lasagne and Cornbread muffins (I know – it was a craving on the Mr’s side). But the food wasn’t settling right… so I laid down. And from 11PM to 6AM I was subject to dreams and experiences that left me unrested… confused… concerned.
I dreamt that because of our intimacy issues, Earl and I got a divorce. At this point in the dream it just seemed there was no remedy… there would never be a remedy and so we had to go our separate ways in order to maintain some semblance of sanity. So in the dream, I move back to my mom…. *sigh* my brother’s apartment. Which, in the dream, is now being lived in by him, my uncle & his wife (in my parent’s bedroom) and my aunt and her son (in the living room). It’s cluttered in the house, but not like it’s been in the past 3 years. Moreso, active living people clutter but the furniture was in good shape and where it belonged (except the dining room table). My aunt and her son were even using the sofa bed (which hasn’t been used? in YEARS). I got there in the evening so everyone was pretty much asleep. And I sat at the dinette table, where my mom used to sit and a voice, which I’ll assume was my own mind, my consciousness, spoke to me.
So now what? Where do you go from here? Strange question to ask… cause you don’t even remember who you were before all of this do you? There were things that YOU liked to do and places that YOU like to go. You had hopes and aspirations… and dreams. And you kept putting them aside for everyone else. You can’t even remember them anymore, can you? You can’t even remember who YOU were….
And I woke up from the dream and laid in bed really trying to remember… who I was… before “all this started” – before all the sicknesses. Before all the forced decisions. Before being married. What did I want out of life? What was I hoping to become? And why? Who was I? and how did I become who I am now? And I drew blanks. Every single one… blanks. It could very well be because it was 3 in the morning and I was too tired… but even now writing it down, I can’t recall clearly. And maybe I’ve put it so far in the recesses of my mind that I can’t reach it because I don’t know if it can happen. I drifted back to sleep and picked up where I left off.
The house was in a panic now. My uncle’s wife comes screaming out of the bedroom yelling that there’s a snake in the bedroom. Some how this snake, albeit small – known to all of us as poisonous come slithering out quickly and chases us into a corner of the living room. Someone came and killed it… not sure who it was. Felt like it may have been Earl but i don’t remember him being in the space (especially considering the divorce).
I announced that this was entirely too much craziness for me so I went and took up a room at the 4 Seasons in the city and laid there in a white room going over my lack of knowledge of who I was again. Still drawing blanks. I fell asleep in the silence of that room….
And woke up in the silence of my own. I just sat up in bed trying to pull together the thoughts in my head and realized, I have to get back to a place where I feel like… I’m grounded in myself. I KNOW who I am, and what I want and have made a solid decision about what to do with that information (whether to pursue or ignore – but based on ME deciding… not me pushing it aside to make anyone else happy).
I have made my mission starting 2009 to get to know Victoria again. Find out what she wants and see what’s happening in her world right now to stand in her way. She does now and always will deserve my full attention and I will be a captive audience.
She’s the most interesting person I’ll EVER know.