Homeostasis

The thing about feeling wronged and then walking on the path to normalcy is that you hurt so much to just get back to normal that occasionally you forget something was wrong. Actually, things almost seem 110% better than before. All the requests that have been made for countless years; needs that have gone unfulfilled; considerations that were NOT considered – All being taken care of. And then some. I dare say that things the last 2 days have been as good as in year 1. But I want to let my guard down and enjoy it fully. Just bask in the ideal of the man I married. I have to be so careful though. Because if I don’t keep monitoring the things that have changed, they’re sure to snap back to the previous troublesome period. And there can’t be any of that.

I’m a romantic. And when I love… I love deeply and fully. I can’t just love you half way. I have to give you everything I have. Every fiber of my being. Every beat of my heart. I dote incessantly and marvel at the beauty that is the person I love. I lay in amazement at the beauty and perfection… and moreso? how this person could actually love ME It just boggles my mind. I want to write endless poems and cry at love songs that remind me of him… I’m a big sap. I’ve been victim to wanting to be mushy and sugary sweet and make others around me gag and dry heave – but you know what… I love it.

And when we’re good? We are GREAT. AMAZING. Everything I had ever hoped for. But it doesn’t erase that I’ve had all of that goodness before but it ended up being a hoax. Just a cover for something else. So the cringe exists. The involuntary retract when I think I perceived a hand going up to come down on me. I have to protect my heart. Loving so fully… i open myself right up to hurt. And often… because… NOTHING feels like love. If it’s not everyone’s purpose for being here? it’s definitely MINE. I love to love. I love to be loved. It affects me in such an amazing way. I feel it. Not just emotionally but physically. Love gives me goosebumps. Love makes me smile uncontrollably. Love makes me sleep better. Love makes me breathe easier. Love gives me GOOD butterflies. Love caresses my mind.

There’s nothing in the world like it. I just hope to be able to open myself to it fully soon.

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2 Comments

  1. Dee May 7, 2008 at 8:44 am

    I stumbled across this site… and the despondency in your tone immediately lead me to say a prayer for you and your family. Remember that HE still cares!! God bless you sis.

    Reply
  2. iam May 7, 2008 at 10:56 pm

    Thanks Dee. I need all the prayer I can get 🙂 I know that HE cares. If HE didn’t… I really would be lost.

    Reply

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