Fear

Every time I write that word alone, I hear the Sade song of the same name ring off in my head. It has the same intensity as impending fright.

A couple of nights ago I virtually bumped into an old acquaintance of mine. Early Sorority days – as a matter of fact, she was one of the few there the night that I met my future husband. She logged onto IM and we chatted for a bit. She asked me how wedding planning was going and I responded “smoothly”. And in kind I asked her how her life was going. She expressed to me that she was going through quite a bit after having lost her soulmate / future husband in a fatal car accident. That she no longer sleeps through the night because she wakes up around 2:30 / 3:00 (the time she got the call that night 5 weeks ago). She expressed how real the realization of our mortality comes after we’ve lost someone we’ve grown to love.

She went on as she uncovered one of my biggest fears. That i’d lose my earl before “our time” which means any time before grandkids are here. Now that he’s a part… I cannot imagine life without him. Plain and simple. And the thought of me having to adjust to that idea … I don’t even have the ability to wrap my mind around that much fear…

Don’t get me wrong. If something happened and he and I couldn’t be together, that’s one thing. But for us to not inhabit the Earth simultaneously anymore…

I can’t even think about it.

My prayers are with my friend, today

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