Homeward Bound from Texas – Part II

Okay… it’s now 3:37 PM Texas time… but I think that since I’m in the plane on the way home we can revert to NY time. I got a good nap… our flight was supposed to leave an hour ago, but we just got in the air. It was a little bumpy getting up here… but now I feel pretty cool about how we’re flying. My body finished taking me through what I had to go through in order to feel better and now I’m famished. And I’m yearning for home. When I got on the plane, Deke called. He said he wanted to talk to me but he’d holla at me when I got in NY. I think he really feels bad about yesterday. And like I told Vernie: as well he should. You can’t make arbitrary comments about folks like that and expect it to be hunky dory. You’ve really gotta make sure that you look out for folks’ feelings sometimes. I could see him trying to make up for it by saying “It doesn’t matter, I won’t be going any meetings in Atlanta either.” But when I’m aware that the Atlanta convention for A Phi A is a wasted convention and there is no business to be discussed, whereas, the AKA boule is REALLY important… then that save is invalid. But he does sound really apologetic.

More drama: why has Rod decided that I’m going to marry him??? I’m really baffled by that. He’s kind of a weird subject. He’s soft spoken and mumbles a lot. He actually looks like he’s kind of dumb. But he’s working as a teacher and getting his masters in Health Administration. He wants to be a police officer … but he works for the Ramada doing all sorts of menial jobs. He bought me this BEAUTIFUL AKA shirt and hat (the hat I gave to Vernie). And when I was in the cab, he called the cab driver and instructed him to tell me that he loves me. Wow.

That there are only 2 types of men in this world… ones that love fat women and ones that love skinny women and me being in between just isn’t cutting it? I’m terribly confused. Because I’m not 200 lbs. Nor will I ever be as far as I have control over it. I’m still shapely… and I think I’m sexy… but wow… the quality of men that I attract is really blah. I have to work on something… whatever it is. There have got to be more Shawn’s out there or Js’: Guys I find attractive that I wouldn’t mind being with. Like Rod: I would mind. But I wouldn’t mind being with Deke… even though I think he’d mind. I KNOW that Rashaad would mind… and he is soooo sexy. I have to figure out what it is. I think I have to chalk it up to me not knowing that one thing… that something that is keeping my brain at 8 percent while the rest of the world is at 10. I’m working on it though.

I just saw the food cart go by… but this is such a huge plane… it’s gonna take a while. And it is just a snack cart. Nothing big. I need some grub. I’m glad it’s Saturday. It feels like a Sunday. But I’ll get to sleep in late tonight. Maybe get a movie in the evening. I’d like to go see Scary Movie or maybe Xmen. That would be really fun. Dunno who I’d go with though. I have to branch out. Maybe I’ll call that brother from the train? Nah…. I don’t want to get his hopes up. He was funny, but I felt like he was doing a step’n’ fetch-it for me. And I didn’t like that. HEY… maybe I’ll ask Earl what he’s doing tonight. He might be down for it. We’re at 33,000 feet. The weather in NY is really shitty. I heard about some really serious thunderstorms and heavy rain in the Baltimore MD, DC area. They said they see us getting into NY at about 7:45… give or take. I hope they take… I want to be home. I miss my mom. She’s been such a rock for me … in life in general. And I say this and I hear that wonderful Baptist choir from the Public meeting singing “Jesus is a rock in a weary land, a weary land, a weary land.” My mom personifies Jesus for me in this world. So I am able to touch him and hear him and talk to him through her. She’s blessed. And I am more so for having her in my life.

Speaking of church, I think I’m really going to try very hard to go to church tomorrow. That Choir had me going…. Brb… lunch is served.

Okay…I’m not as famished anymore. My stomach feels really funny. I don’t know when the last time it was that if felt like this. But it is genuinely empty. Like there is nothing left in there at all. It emptied both ways today. I’m grateful to God that I feel better. Earlier, I must have been in hell. It was really horrific.

Back to church. I need some of that holy community feel. I need some of that music to seep its way right into my heart and make me cry. I need that. I’m not losing the connection with God. But strengthening it isn’t a bad thing. And when I was listening to that choir sing… I was just flabbergasted and blown away. There was God in their voices. And it was so beautiful. They sang Total Praise, then they sang Jesus is a Rock, then they sang another song, which I didn’t like too much… it was too sad. And then the sang He is Excellent. That song is so beautiful… and the words are so simple and so is the tune, but when they sing it, it is just amazing. I need that again in me soon. I might have to go to a different church than CLC till I can find that balance between assuming leadership and searching for leadership. I am currently searching for leadership within me… so I can’t very well go to a leadership church. Because then it wouldn’t be so easy for me to make excuses as to why I don’t go there on Sunday. I would just be making it my business to go. Brb… feeling sleepy…

6:03 NYC time.