Fallen

So the cherub is beginning her journey into the world of the self-ambulatory. And she is making a dash for it (pun intended). She has gone from being this sedentary sweet little lap baby to being possessed with the theory of getting around on her own. It’s exciting, frightening, empowering and depressing all at once.

I am happy and humbled to have birthed a fully functional developing little human being. When I think back to what I thought I would birth, it leaves me in awe at the wonders God sets forth. But I admittedly miss the days when my cherub and I would sit together and spend countless hours getting to know each other or watch tv or just sleep. Now? As long as I am standing, we are fine. But the minute I sit down- it is her signal to get to the floor, by any means necessary. And I become what I lovingly refer to as “the crane”. Two dangling arms that hang from the sky with the sole purpose being for her to hold on to and balance as she goes from the living room to the dining room to the office to the bedroom back down the hallway to the living room and repeat. For hours.
All of this, I have no problem with.

What has been shaking me to my core is this crazy notion of “falling”. Now that I ( nor my husband) are no longer directly and solely responsible for her motion through the world, as she explores it, she will stumble and fall way after she has learned to maintain her balance. So far she has fallen twice ( that I know of ) and both times were followed by copious thoughts of what a bad mom I must be to have allowed that to happen. And I frenzy myself with these thoughts until I remember- I fell as a kid… A lot. I am just naturally clumsy. And I never blamed it on my mom. Usually? She wasn’t even there when it happened. But the bumps and scrapes that await are NOT for the faint of heart.

On my way home one evening I was reading “What To Expect The First Year” which I have read month by month in order not to spoil the ending lol. And since she’ll be a year this month ( can you imagine??? ) I read on to a few of the appendices. This one in particular being the injuries and emergencies appendix. By the time I was done with it, I was racing home to smother that poor kid in a hug that she wasn’t ready for. The things that could happen to a little one that I NEVER fathomed…. Might not have been great for me to have read that chapter. I am already the worry wart… Just like Mom. I know I just have to do my best to make sure that she has all that she needs. All the opportunity to grow and the space to do it in… And the privilege to hold on to her bravery.

While I bite my nails nervously in the corner praying novenas for her safety.

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