The End is Near…

Well… the end of my 6 week medical leave. What a journey, truly.

I haven’t posted about my recovery since week 2 because I was getting so stir crazy I couldn’t really put it into words anymore. I started to get a little frustrated with the prospect of ALWAYS being home. It felt like I could do more and be more if I could just go outside. But then I said, well… what could I do right here w/o leaving the house. And my good ole Wii caught my attention. My work out because a pivotal part of my morning as I can’t control popping wide awake at 5 AM right now (I have SO much more energy as a result of the fibroids being gone). So I take the early morning as an opportunity to meditate, enjoy the sunrise and exercise. My body is looking and feeling different for it and I love it so much. I am just worried about finding time to do it when I’m back at work but i’m going to hope and pray that the energy I feel isn’t just because I’m away from the office… So that it continues when I’m back there. I don’t want anything getting to be an excuse in my progress so I have to anticipate what I may have normally used as “reasoning” (for instance my hair was THE. BIGGEST. EXCUSE. for me… it was too much for me to sweat out my perm every day. Excuse removed. Literally.)

So in terms of my physical recovery from the surgery, my incision healed up completely round about week 3. Even now (week 6) it’s still tender and itches, but I understand that’s par for the course with one of these. So I take it in stride. It healed pretty neatly so that I didn’t feel like FrankenToria, so for that I’m grateful. I haven’t really felt any serious movings around on the inside as far as feeling that healing. But I did get my period last week – I won’t go in to gory details for the sake of the men / squeamish that read my blog, but I’m hip to the idea that it’ll take a few months before my body is like… “hey wait… there aren’t any more fibroids… we can cut back on the production here.” The good news is that it only lasted 7 days. I know … I know, normal girl reading this. That seems like a LOT to you. But great to me when on average it lasted 13 days. So yay for progress!! It still feels AMAZING to push down on any part of my abdomen where the fibroids used to be and feel…. nothing. Just .. like… fat. LOL But soon I won’t feel that anymore.

The prospects of the future are inspiring. I might be as thin as I was almost 10 years ago right now and steady declining. The energy is up, so the spirits are in check. I go back to work soon, but I believe that this break made me a more positive, creative and productive person to have on the workforce. And best of all… There’s the prospect of having a sweet little baby of my own. The hope doesn’t stop. Neither does the prayer… and I’m doing all the action on my part. AMEN

*

to moon.

I couldn’t sleep.
I woke up and went to the window
to torture myself under the lunacy of the moonlight
for it to shed some clarity on my mindsight.
When i peered into a window across the way
and became captivated
soft shadows moved…
rhythmically
tenderly
across the street
in the dead of night
there was
love being made.
slowly and sincerely
hurling me into envy
so much jealousy
my skin crawls with the desire
to be caressed and
obsessed.
back to bed to dream
if it was me in that
window’s scene
just to awake to find my mind’s eye
had made it up of tree shadows
and the moons imagery.
it’s amazing what the mind will
make you see…

Recuperation – Week 2

Well, at the end of another week, figured I’d do a sum up because the days aren’t THAT terribly different. Being on bed-rest / orders not to use the stairs severely limits my interaction with the world and thus my varied experiences. So I’ll just truncate it all into one post.

Friday / Saturday / Sunday / Monday – Most of the experience of these days was the same. Trying to move around minimally… taking my Tylenol ES every 4 hours to keep the low grade fever at bay. Taking Tylenol PM at night to see if I could get some version of rest, but it always ended up being some kind of hallucinatory sleep from which I’d wake up drenched in sweat and with the CRAZIEST headache sitting on the crown of my head. I was limited to doing pretty much nothing as per the doctor and Earl. So there was a LOT of reclining and asking for E to do things I’d normally just get up and do. Laced through all of this were visits from family and friends a plenty; lots of phone calls and emails all of which were really comforting and reassuring. There’s such a great “community” amongst those I hold dear. I feel excited for the kind of close knit wonderfulness that my kids will benefit from. It’s really amazing.

I frustrated myself a LOT because I’m too damned independent and on occasion, Earl would find me doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing… like… bending… or lifting… or … *ahem* sweeping the floor. He was quick to put me in my place though. After enough delinquencies in my behavior, my best friend J told me that with all that’s in store coming up (getting pregnant, having babies in succession) this might be the very last long time I have to relax and I should revel in it. I’ve taken his advice and am running with it. He’s right. I don’t think after this year I’ll sleep again for 20 years. So i might as well just sit my ass down. LOL!

On Monday I insisted that my brother come by and we fete his birthday. We made him lasagna (as I know Mommy would have made for his birthday because it’s his favorite dish that she prepared on his birthday), some garlic parmesan bread and a chocolate cake. I knew this was his first birthday without her and she was such a huge part of his life still… that she might be one of the only people he’d spend his birthday with. I knew I couldn’t take all the pain away, but maybe lessen the blow.

Tuesday – We woke up bright and early for the appointment for the doctor to remove the staples. What I had realized through trial and error was that the staples were pulling both sides of the skin around the incision and holding them together to fuse. But with all the motion I insisted upon doing… i occasionally would either stretch the incision open, or force the staples to pull to hold together more causing tearing. Not a lot? but enough to be painful. When the nurse tech lifted my shirt and lowered my skirt she was like “wow… those staples are TIGHT. She took what looked like a needle nose plier and grasped the top of the upper most staple and twisted it out of me. Painful? To say the least. And that wasn’t even the most tender of staples. As she worked her way down, she entered the realm of the staples that had been torturing me most all week. And it was all I could do not to scream. Earl sat there and looked on helplessly. I couldn’t even bring myself to grasp his hand because I knew that it would be painful for him, so I just gripped the mattress of the examining chair and gritted my teeth for all 30 staples. They then cleaned the incision with betadine ointment and held it together, finally, with something called “steri strips” – little white pieces of surgical tape that they told me would “fall off on their own” and completely concealed the incision from me. It was still tender but at least there weren’t staples tugging at the skin anymore.

Wednesday / Thursday / Friday – was more of the same as the earlier part of the week. On Wednesday I pulled out the cornrows so lovingly plaited by Victoria and the result was a big bright afro

that Mr. Earl would not let me comb down because he loved the Angela Davis / Coffee / Foxy Brown-ness of it all. It was HUGE.

On Thursday Max came and hung out in the evening and then took a day from work on Friday to sit with me and her Macbook and surf and hang together. We were playing some oldie songs and reminiscing about the 70s and the 80s and the quality of music from back then. We were definitely playing the music loud. But it was still pretty early in the evening. And honestly? we don’t play music that loud at all in this house. But it didn’t matter. My downstairs neighbor came upstairs and made it sound like it was something we do all the time – make noise and make her miserable. Max had some colorful things to say regarding other things she could have been doing. But I’ll spare the public LOL!

On Saturday, The Faction planned a little get together for about 4 in the afternoon so E and I (my participation was limited) tidied up the house and I showered, washed my hair and got dressed. Folks started showing up about 4 and by 6 it was a full house, Faction and Friends. There were spirits and fast food and music and chatter. My spirits were high and I was glad to have everyone around and happy. I did a little dance or two (my mistake) and my body let me know immediately that it wasn’t ready for all of that. Unfortunately, that brought the party to an abrupt end and folks made their way out so I could lay down and I did exactly that while a watchful Earl monitored my sleep. I was really sore on the inside, but hoped it would go away in the AM. Which it did. But I truly learned my lesson. It’s only been a week. Major surgery is no joke. I really just need to take it easier than I’ve been or I may suffer consequences I’m not ready for (like more weeks just sitting around doing nothing).

Sunday was a complete day of leisure, watched movies, played video games. Spent a great deal of it on my own as the Mr. went to represent the Flearys at my chapter’s Community Charter Day Celebration. And when he got home, we ate dinner and I fell asleep. Nothing extravagant to report on.

Today I go for my post-op appointment at 3:00. There’ll be a separate post on that – with the results of everything the Doctor found and our next steps. *keeping fingers crossed*

*

She Came to Say Goodbye.

There’s something about allowing yourself to be open to meet and know new people. It’s thrilling to gain insight into the lives of others and learn from their experiences and overall, gain new friends. For me… who ALWAYS things about 30 years ahead… there’s a frightening aspect to it as well. The more people you come to care for… the more you add to the list of people that you will lose in life. Nothing is forever… and no one gets to stay. It’s all just a matter of where or when. And even after having reconciled that with yourself in your own heart, it doesn’t make the loss of that loved one any less painful or you any less grieving.

I joined my current chapter (Epsilon Pi Omega) in April 2001. Our calendar year in AKA goes from September to June and we have 2 months off. In my chapter they assign you “Heart Sisters”. One woman in the chapter who you will attempt to get to know over the course of the AKA calendar year – someone who can mentor you – or who you can mentor (pending on how long you’ve been in the chapter) – and generally attempt to form a bond. My first heart sister wasn’t active in the chapter and never came to meeting, nor did she reach out during the April – June months of that year. In August, my grandmother passed away. A woman who I loved dearly… and was the first real CLOSE family member I’d lost in my life at that time. In January they assigned me a new Heart Sister. The woman they assigned to me… looked like she may have been my grandmother’s twin. It scared the hell out of me. I knew she wasn’t … but it was too soon. In the meantime, I shunned my Heart Sister duties – calling her, sending letters, acknowledging her birthday, holidays, etc., while she went about doing ALL of the above. On Easter, she brought me some chocolate easter bunnies and a card along with some AKA socks. She said to me as she handed it over “This is what sisters do for each other…” but it was with such defeat… like she felt that she was handed a dud Heart Sister… I really had to go home and assess. I could keep myself busy in chapter and keep my heart to myself… Or I could GIVE my heart to these women and love them fully like a Sister should – despite my reservations. I chose the latter and Myrna Pickens became my official FIRST and FAVORITEST Heart sister.

This note is not about her – THANK GOD… But… I opened up my heart going forward… and let so many of these women into my heart. Women who could have been old enough to BE my grandmother… my mother… my aunt… with great experiences and love beyond compare to share with me. But as the years went by I was slowly reminded about the whole “getting close and losing” part of life… I let several women into my life and got to know them well… depend on their friendship, look forward to seeing them at committee meetings and chapter meetings and hearing their input. Emma Bradford, Gloria Black, Mildred Cooper, Juliette Burnett, Vivian DeLuze, Fannie Dunson, Jerolyn Minter… to name a few. Who were the movers and shakers in my chapter as I reactivated wide eyed and new to the chapter experience. The led the way… they held up the light and showed me what being a dedicated, compassionate sincere AKA REALLY meant.

Then… one by one… they all made this… journey… down a road of unwellness. We’d come to a random chapter meeting and hear that we needed to keep Soror ______________ in our prayers as she was recovering / in the hospital / not well / in need of our support. And then they’d make a final trip to the chapter. Be it at a meeting or a retreat or a founders’ day… whatever they chose – they tried to pick a location where as many sorors they knew could be there… So they could see us all one last time. Hug us. Hold us. Capture that memory of our faces one more time before they made THAT final journey. And when the news would hit about their passing, your mind flashes back to that meeting, where it was the last time you saw them… and your heart aches… because THEY knew… but you didn’t. You thought them coming out and being with you mean that they were on the come up and getting better and would be back in the fray in NO time.

Last chapter meeting, My Soror Delores came to chapter after being away from the chapter for a number of months. She’d been out and everyone knew she was battling something difficult. Without getting into all her business, we just knew she needed our prayers. So when I saw her at chapter meeting, the old failsafe kicked in – She must be getting better I thought… I walked over to her with open arms and ready to compliment her fabulousness as always when she stopped me mid sentence… “You mustn’t even recognize me…” And at that point I tilted my head and looked her… she was gaunt. She was frail. Whatever she’d been fighting had put up a GOOD fight, but she must’ve won…. right?! So I said, “OF COURSE I know who your are… you are my FABULOUS Soror Delores!!!” and I hugged her then thin frame with love and sisterliness and welcomed her home.

She passed away this past Thursday and we’re now going through the process of making sure that she’s properly remembered as per the Sorority with our rituals and what not. And the minute I heard of her passing, I couldn’t HELP but think of the last time I saw her. Spoke to her… told her how much I admired and looked up to her.

It’s such a risk we take to open our hearts to knowing and loving new people…. I wouldn’t change a thing… these women have vastly improved on the quality of my life. I learn as I go along to cherish every moment and let them know how deeply I appreciate them.

Fare thee well, Soror Delores. You will be missed by us all.
Always with sisterly love…

*

Love Is…

Two years ago today, I celebrated my love for Earl by promising to be his from now into eternity. And as I do a retrospective of my life over the last few years as well as all my years of knowing what love is… I think I can make a preliminary short list assessment of what love is… and what it isn’t. This is purely my experience… because everyone’s is different.

All that LOVE isn’t -

All that LOVE IS –

It is being married for 2 years to one of the most amazing men I’ve known in all my life. Through our ups and downs, swerves and straight paths… I like him… I think I’ll keep him a while longer.

I love you my sweet angel.

*

Whaaaa….

The title of this post is stated just like Jermaine does in this clip at 0:45

So… funny conversation with the new gyn today (this already sounds like it’s going down hill, huh?)
Not Funny “ha ha” but funny like… Whaaaaa….?

She was going down the list of all the medical history questions and ailment and what not.

Dr.: Any history of domestic abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse?
Me: Yeah, I was abused as a child
Dr.: Sexually?
Me: Yes.
Dr.: Oh… did you seek some help about that?
Me: Yeah, back in college.
Dr.: Are you okay now?
Me: Wait…. I get to be okay at some point?
Dr.: ((silence))
Me: ((smug))
Dr.: I’m very sorry.
Me: It’s okay – gotta keep a light humor about it.
Dr.: Okay… ((reading down the list)) any STDs?
Me: *thinking* boy, that list sets her up for epic failure, huh?

Outside of her twitch that makes her blink EXTRA hard, she seems to be a good doctor. Hope she doesn’t disappear like the other quack.

*

A Letter to My Husband I wrote in my sleep…

(and to all the Black men that I care for).

I had a terrible dream last night. I went to visit you (I don’t know WHY I didn’t live with you in my dream…) But maybe because this was a nightmare. I went by your house and just as I saw your sweet face coming to meet me at the door, you were attacked. Vicious Nazis took you and worked to put you in handcuffs and cart you away. And I tried to run behind and help… bargain… reason with them. But they were the worst kind of criminal. They wanted nothing BUT to hurt you. So nothing I said was going to satisfy them. They shot me in the leg so I wouldn’t follow along and dragged you off kicking and screaming promising to do the most hurtful things to you. And I felt so powerless… so hopeless…

Until I woke up.

And now as I lay here caressing the dark chocolate silk that is your skin and breathing in your cocoa butter essence as you sleep peacefully with dreams of new horizons, I beg of you… take care. In these last few days we’ve been given reason to feel empowered beyond belief, finally respected and revered and almost indestructible. I don’t want to rain on parades but please remember that the most powerful man in the world being a black man does NOT MEAN that the world loves black people now. Actually? this series of happenings have infuriated some people from a position of pissing and moaning to quiet action. Never in the light of day because they know what they do is evil and never overtly because they won’t want to call attention to themselves as they work their malignant plans into motion.

Continue to hold up the light. Be extraordinary. Be proud. Be exemplary.

Be VIGILANT.

I can’t replace you… I don’t want to. You’re all that I have.

I love you.

*

Temet Nosce

I had a rather unsettling night last night. I know… that’s not news anymore. I went to sleep rather early after a dinner of Lasagne and Cornbread muffins (I know – it was a craving on the Mr’s side). But the food wasn’t settling right… so I laid down. And from 11PM to 6AM I was subject to dreams and experiences that left me unrested… confused… concerned.

I dreamt that because of our intimacy issues, Earl and I got a divorce. At this point in the dream it just seemed there was no remedy… there would never be a remedy and so we had to go our separate ways in order to maintain some semblance of sanity. So in the dream, I move back to my mom…. *sigh* my brother’s apartment. Which, in the dream, is now being lived in by him, my uncle & his wife (in my parent’s bedroom) and my aunt and her son (in the living room). It’s cluttered in the house, but not like it’s been in the past 3 years. Moreso, active living people clutter but the furniture was in good shape and where it belonged (except the dining room table). My aunt and her son were even using the sofa bed (which hasn’t been used? in YEARS). I got there in the evening so everyone was pretty much asleep. And I sat at the dinette table, where my mom used to sit and a voice, which I’ll assume was my own mind, my consciousness, spoke to me.

So now what? Where do you go from here? Strange question to ask… cause you don’t even remember who you were before all of this do you? There were things that YOU liked to do and places that YOU like to go. You had hopes and aspirations… and dreams. And you kept putting them aside for everyone else. You can’t even remember them anymore, can you? You can’t even remember who YOU were….

And I woke up from the dream and laid in bed really trying to remember… who I was… before “all this started” – before all the sicknesses. Before all the forced decisions. Before being married. What did I want out of life? What was I hoping to become? And why? Who was I? and how did I become who I am now? And I drew blanks. Every single one… blanks. It could very well be because it was 3 in the morning and I was too tired… but even now writing it down, I can’t recall clearly. And maybe I’ve put it so far in the recesses of my mind that I can’t reach it because I don’t know if it can happen. I drifted back to sleep and picked up where I left off.

The house was in a panic now. My uncle’s wife comes screaming out of the bedroom yelling that there’s a snake in the bedroom. Some how this snake, albeit small – known to all of us as poisonous come slithering out quickly and chases us into a corner of the living room. Someone came and killed it… not sure who it was. Felt like it may have been Earl but i don’t remember him being in the space (especially considering the divorce).

I announced that this was entirely too much craziness for me so I went and took up a room at the 4 Seasons in the city and laid there in a white room going over my lack of knowledge of who I was again. Still drawing blanks. I fell asleep in the silence of that room….

And woke up in the silence of my own. I just sat up in bed trying to pull together the thoughts in my head and realized, I have to get back to a place where I feel like… I’m grounded in myself. I KNOW who I am, and what I want and have made a solid decision about what to do with that information (whether to pursue or ignore – but based on ME deciding… not me pushing it aside to make anyone else happy).

I have made my mission starting 2009 to get to know Victoria again. Find out what she wants and see what’s happening in her world right now to stand in her way. She does now and always will deserve my full attention and I will be a captive audience.

She’s the most interesting person I’ll EVER know.

*