RIP Steve Jobs

A fellow nerd and one who inexplicably changed lives everywhere with a little well placed innovation, dreambuilding and creativity.  The world feels a little less exciting knowing that he’s gone.   But he shared this thought with some Standford graduates some years ago that turned my thoughts about death on its ear:

“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.”

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

And as he was a proponent of change and progression… this had to happen.

Out with the old… in with… whatever is next.

RIP.

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14 Weeks

Yaay to me and being in the 2nd Trimester! I’m extremely excited about this and cannot wait to experience all the changes here in. I am a little more “carefree” and relaxed these days about the pregnancy. I’m sure it all had to do with the fact that the Nuchal came back with numbers that put the Doctor at ease. To the point where he doesn’t really see the need to do a CVS or an Amnio down the line. So that’s a huge relief. I finally made the announcement to family friends and facebook – and while the majority of folks welcomed the news with happiness and excitement, some folks felt that their status in my life required more of an engraved announcement. They were mad because I sent an email – in an attempt to tell everyone at the same time. I spent a little time mad about it… and then sad about it. But then realized that most of those same people who were upset? I’d not heard from in AGES. I’m tired of feeling melancholy – I want to be excited about my baby and the fact that this is all a huge amazing miracle. Some of the upset ones have had their chance… they had their babies.. they know what it’s all like. And some of them aren’t. I’ll let them get to this point and they can figure out how they’d like to tell anyone.

Honestly, the whole practice of hiding it for 13 weeks is NERVE WRECKING. Because all you want to do is share with someone… anyone… But no. Cower in fear at the prospect that you might announce and then something terrible can happen. That? all by it self? can drive you mad. Maybe mad enough to accidentally miscarry.

Well, anyway it’s sliced – it’s tough living this life – even if it’s only for 9 months. People expect a lot. But the bottom line is that I’M expecting. So it’s okay for me to be a little selfish right now – and have this be about me and my little one on the way. We have an appointment this week so that I can get a glimpse at the development. It makes me nervous to go this long w/o seeing her, but it makes the trips even more so worth it. I just hope the placenta has moved. I need the docs to lift this sex restriction! LOL!

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A Mother’s Reminder…

My mom had this poem hung outside the entrance to the bathroom…. I guess she figured that’s where the most active, attentive foot traffic is. I’m glad I found it… because I need to remember it:

Look, I’m not your friend. I’m your Mother.

I am the only Mother you will ever have.

My job is very different from, and way beyond, the job of being your friend.

Also, this is not a democracy.

I didn’t campaign for you to elect me. You certainly didn’t vote for me.

But, God did choose me for this job.

If you could realize how much I love you, (I hope that deep down you know I do)

Then it would be easier for you to take my discipline because it is an extension of my love.

I, as your parent, have a tremendous responsibility.

I am the one who God trusted to introduce you to this world.

It is my job to guide you to the road that will take you to a good life.

You may question my intelligence, my logic, or even my sanity, but you cannot question my intent.

This is not an easy job! (One that you won’t truly understand until you have kids of your own!)

The one thing I want you to get from all this is… I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice your love for me in order to put you on the right road.

If you still love me, that’s wonderful.

But that’s not as important as the fact that I love you!

So Quiet… So simple

I’m home. I’m safe. I’m loved. Home is clean. Personal effects that I’ve had a lot of love for for a long time are restored and in my home. My husband is breathing deeply as he sleeps off our 3 year anniversary dinner. I love his skin. I love his mind. I love his eyes. He loves me infinitely. I adore him. I dote on him. He’s still uncomfortable with me staring at him, but I can’t help it. I’m in awe. I didn’t know this kind of love was possible. I live in anticipation of the love and life we’ll create together and what new feelings that will uplift in me. I’ll speak what I’m thinking without thinking I’m “jinxing it”… there is much needed quiet in my life … at least for the last week. The serenity is more than welcome and I invite more in. I am ready to be a vessel for this new little life. I’m ready to let go of past hurt, trifling people, hateful ways, negativity and silliness with all my might and embrace the future and those that truly count. My life is truly going to be different. I’ve shed the old me whether I wanted to or not and I love who I’m becoming. Quieter. Simpler. Happier. Me.

Good night.
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Throw some Ds On It

Yesterday I went on an unplanned excursion (aren’t those the best) with my bff Max to a store called La Petite Coquette (the little flirt as per their direct translation). It’s a famous lingerie store in the village that Max wanted to visit to get some new underthings. The store is small and crowded with customers and clothing and frilly tables and lots of drapery. It was bustling (no pun intended) with clientele on account of their Black Friday sale.

So we went in and were waited on by Rebecca herself – the owner of the store and the name on which all the stars signed their autographed portraits to. The likes of the SATC girls, Rosario Dawson, Martha Stewart and Brooke Shields. And I can see why. Rebecca LOVES what she does. She does it with efficiency, knowledge, a wonderful attitude and chipper witty commentary. She knows her bras and knows what looks best on a woman. I asked her if she could fit me, because the last time I got fitted was a dogs age ago. She said sure. I took my top off and asked me to burn the bra I currently was wearing. “It does NOTHING for you, honey” – What I already knew. So she sized me up visually and said… “What do you THINK you are?’ And I said – a 38 D last time I checked. She said… “Close. I think that you’re a Double… let’s see…” and proceeded to bring down from shelves gorgeous lace and lined bras ready for the fitting. I prompted – “I usually get lined bras because my nipples… well… they have a mind of their own.” To this she responded, “You’d be very popular in Europe.” “All well and good,” I said, “but when I’m in meetings trying to keep the attention of minds, it’s distracting.” She agreed and we went back to trying on pretty bras. The prettiest of them – a lace cup that held me perfectly, did not give me torpedoes, and looked great under a tight tee. Only 175 bucks. But one day – that’ll be a standard and I won’t bat an eye to it. She let me try on several bras w/o restriction even though I told her that I’d not be purchasing today. She was just as attentive, even though she was leaving for Europe in an hour (she was frustrated because her friend only gave her 1 day to get it together and they’re going to the spa – oh such challenges).

At the counter while Max was checking out I peeped these really cute black satin and pearl cat ‘o’ nine tail / riding crops. AH-DORE-ABLE. Not so cute for 119 bucks. I felt it up though… I can make my own. Getting in touch with my inner Domme lately. Eh. A discussion for another day. LOL. All in all a really good experience. And? I got some double Ds

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Nightlife

Things have changed at the job piece and as a result, my workload has doubled (almost tripled… but still a little less than tripled). To say that a sistah hasn’t had a chance to BREATHE lately would be an understatement. I’m moving at a much quicker pace lately and it’s intensely important for me to keep on top of things… crossing t’s and dotting i’s.

My latest dream was of me at work (those who know… already know how bad it is when I start to dream of my work place). But I was bustling about in a dimly lit verson of my current office and there had just been another huge let go of employees and rumored that there would be more, so all of management was skulking about trying not to reveal their master plans to the underlings whispering in corners and looking over their shoulders. All the while, I was just trying to keep track of stacks of papers on my desk that all threatened to topple over and lose their order. It was very much like watching a plate spinner do their thing… and this song was the soundtrack. This song is from my days of heavy drum & bass and downtempo music that helped me to focus when I coded webpages. So… again… appropo. (You have to listen past the 1:00 minute point to understand what I’m talking about; otherwise the point is lost on you). Also helps to listen to this with plenty of base. The song has so many beautiful layers.

Enjoy!

The Vixen Phallacy

On the train this morning I chose to stand, as normal and read all the various ads, examine them for content and design and strength of message (I think I would have done well at an ad agency – I’m a big fan of getting a message across). On the last 2 trains I boarded today I was face to face with an ad for this book:

I stared at it for a while, just to see what she was peddling. Last time I heard her make an uproar in the press, it was for selling a book detailing every celebrity’s cash and prizes she’d stuck in her mouth. She even went so far to do it on screen to Mr. Marcus for the world to see. (I saw it, and quite honestly? I thought they should revoke her “Super” hero status… she ain’t do nothing special). The last video I saw of her was a rant after the guy from “Family Matters” (the older brother) dumped her so she went through a bag of their shared toys complete with benoit balls and butt pluggs, outing his enjoyment of things going in through the out door.

And now she has a book that claims to show us women (and maybe men, whatever floats your boat) “how to find, seduce and keep the man you want”.

I read the line over and over again. And looked up at her picture…. and read the line again. And referenced all that I knew about her… and read the line again. Okay. Taking into account everything that I just said about her, i focused on the picture.

Assuming that the picture is actually the real position that it was taken in and not transformed or reflected on a horizontal plane to make right left and left right (designers and photo editors feel me) then we have to extrapolate that her left hand is being prominently displayed on the cover. Let’s take a closer look…

There’s something missing from this picture to make her book’s tagline altogether believable. She’s going to tell me how to find, seduce and keep the man I want but there’s not even a TAN line on that ring finger. Not a trace that any man she found and seduced had decided to stick around long enough. But I feel like a million women are really going to trust her to know what to do to get someone to love them. Whatever happened for checking the fruit on the tree before asking someone for advice? Don’t ask someone who’s in a failing relationship how to save yours. Don’t ask a broke compulsive gambler how to win in the stock market. Don’t ask someone who’s morbidly obese and wants to do nothing about it how to get thin. And to this we add… don’t ask a whore how to be an honest woman.

I wonder if she’ll take her own advice one day and actually get someone to stick around. Or might the next book be about How to properly use your Rebound Guy; or How to get his stuff out of your house; or How to make it with his friends so that you get him jealous.

*smdh*

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The End is Near…

Well… the end of my 6 week medical leave. What a journey, truly.

I haven’t posted about my recovery since week 2 because I was getting so stir crazy I couldn’t really put it into words anymore. I started to get a little frustrated with the prospect of ALWAYS being home. It felt like I could do more and be more if I could just go outside. But then I said, well… what could I do right here w/o leaving the house. And my good ole Wii caught my attention. My work out because a pivotal part of my morning as I can’t control popping wide awake at 5 AM right now (I have SO much more energy as a result of the fibroids being gone). So I take the early morning as an opportunity to meditate, enjoy the sunrise and exercise. My body is looking and feeling different for it and I love it so much. I am just worried about finding time to do it when I’m back at work but i’m going to hope and pray that the energy I feel isn’t just because I’m away from the office… So that it continues when I’m back there. I don’t want anything getting to be an excuse in my progress so I have to anticipate what I may have normally used as “reasoning” (for instance my hair was THE. BIGGEST. EXCUSE. for me… it was too much for me to sweat out my perm every day. Excuse removed. Literally.)

So in terms of my physical recovery from the surgery, my incision healed up completely round about week 3. Even now (week 6) it’s still tender and itches, but I understand that’s par for the course with one of these. So I take it in stride. It healed pretty neatly so that I didn’t feel like FrankenToria, so for that I’m grateful. I haven’t really felt any serious movings around on the inside as far as feeling that healing. But I did get my period last week – I won’t go in to gory details for the sake of the men / squeamish that read my blog, but I’m hip to the idea that it’ll take a few months before my body is like… “hey wait… there aren’t any more fibroids… we can cut back on the production here.” The good news is that it only lasted 7 days. I know … I know, normal girl reading this. That seems like a LOT to you. But great to me when on average it lasted 13 days. So yay for progress!! It still feels AMAZING to push down on any part of my abdomen where the fibroids used to be and feel…. nothing. Just .. like… fat. LOL But soon I won’t feel that anymore.

The prospects of the future are inspiring. I might be as thin as I was almost 10 years ago right now and steady declining. The energy is up, so the spirits are in check. I go back to work soon, but I believe that this break made me a more positive, creative and productive person to have on the workforce. And best of all… There’s the prospect of having a sweet little baby of my own. The hope doesn’t stop. Neither does the prayer… and I’m doing all the action on my part. AMEN

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