Day 2 – Cleansing Fast…

Well… Day 2.

I didn’t find myself to be as hungry as I imagined. But I’m not doing a dry fast.  I’m still ingesting fruits and veggies.  I saw a video series of a woman who did a 60 day water fast *faints*.  That’s seems like doing the MOST.  The results were pretty impressive.  In 60 days she lost about 50 lbs.    No word on whether she kept it off.  But you can see for yourself:

yeah… she smacks her ass a lot… dunno…

I drank lots of water.  Took all my supplements.  Suppressed the wishing it was day 14 already (not for any one particular reason – because I’ll still be fasting.

Tomorrow, I will join the gym downstairs from my job and get this POPPIN’ for REAL.

Okay.  Sleep time.

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Day 1: 2012 = It’s a New Dawn

Happy New Year!!!

Well, last year definitely was one for the books.  So much goodness came out of that year.  So many realizations.  So much growing into my own skin.  Of course the highlight is the birth of my sweet baby daughter.  My first born.  The miracle I’d almost given up on.  She has come to life and transformed me.  This entire post … nay the entire blog can be about the ways she’s saved me.  And it will be.  But today’s blog will be about this new year right here.  There’s much to be accomplished and so little time (well… that’s not fair – we get a whole extra day this year LEAP!)

I want to focus on some keys here:

1)  LOSE AT LEAST 60 LBS – yeah.  60.  it’s gotten that bad.  They weighed me at the doctor and I was mortified.  I really let it all go after the baby.  I actually looked GREAT after I had her – for those first 2 months… i was moreso slender than I’d been prior to the pregnancy.  Then I went back to work… and it all went down hill.   Wendy, Ronald, Popeye, Papa John and the Colonel to name a few became regular household visitors… and the weight just piled and piled and piled.  That’s enough now.  With folks around me dying at 42… at 32…  at 27….   I have more reason than ever to try to extend this life for this little girl.  A 65 yr old endpoint isn’t an option AT. ALL.

2)  SET DOWN THE CAREER PATH – there’s some stuff taking place that lets me know that this is the last (or may be the 2nd to last) place I ever work “for”.  The path needs to be laid out that i will work for myself and benefit MY family.  I’ve been saying it for a while, but I’m moreso ready than ever.  I gotta make it happen for me.

3) WORK ON THE SON – while there are many smaller steps to this one, I need to get my mind and body ready to birth my 2nd child.  I am putting it into the universe to give me a son.  Because if I can have my boy and my girl, I will quietly go to Dr. Kofinas and tell him to pull the whole system OUT.   I’ll be done for real.

4) HOME – there will be somewhere I can call “HOME” … a house of our own… no one living above or below.   Us as owners and to follow our own thoughts and rules. PERIOD.  This is a ONE YEAR PLAN… and needs to be.

Those are the pivotals.  And I’ll figure out the sub to-dos in the coming weeks, while I’m pining away for some meat or fish LOL  But if I can make it through this 30 day fast…. I believe that this year will be all I can make it and more.  I just have to show myself that I have the will, courage and steadfast ability to get it done.

Day one of the fast … well… yeah.  This morning, I “cheated” – not really a cheat cause I hadn’t started the fast yet.  Wanted to end it with a good remembrance.  So we went to the diner and had one last hurrah.  That was holding me over pretty good.  So the thoughts of the fast didn’t phase me.  “I can do this.”  “All I have to do is have alternatives to the crap I’d eat ready to go and I won’t stray.”  This evening around 9PM with a fridge full of bananas, pears, apples, V8 and water i craved HARD for some buttered popcorn.  Doesn’t seem so bad.  But this fast calls for raw veggies and fruits for 14 days at least.  The thought of just one kernel of popcorn melting in my mouth overtook me.  I used all of my innate lawyer skills to lobby FOR the idea of making the bag of popcorn to my husband who stood firm against the crashing waves of my desire.  (Thank GOD for him)  I resigned myself to drinking the whey protein drink that goes with this fast and that held me over.  And then I had a pear and made it my bitch and ate the hell out of it.  Now I sit here assessing how I feel and wonder if I’ll ever stop being hungry.   I didn’t realize it was this bad.  But I can’t go back to the way I was eating before.   I literally FELT my system being gummed up.  As I was telling my Icy this morning – I feel stuffed like a doll.  That has to change… post haste.  So… I’ll have to get used to this hunger feeling.  And maybe as a result… also get used to the feeling of really LIKING what and who I see in the mirror.  My mother-in-law did everything short of raising her hands up in a hallelujah when I announced that my fasting started today.  Man.  *smh*

So Day 1… more like day .75 down.  29.25 days to go.

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So Natural

Everything about this feels … easy.
Loving her.  Caring for her. Being with her.

That’s life.
That’s the life I’ve been waiting for.
Praying for.
And I’ve just eased right in… Like I’ve always been doing this.
And it feels so right and so natural that anything but this?

feels foreign.

Laying there to nap with her and we breathe;
Sitting and cooing with her is instinctual.
Feeding her and feeling her caress my hand
Even the silly grin on her face when it’s time to change her.
All feels like this is where I’ve always belonged.
She knows me better than anyone ever has.
Inside and out.

This is the life.

The one I was waiting for.
I want for nothing more…

Well…

Maybe….

to do it all again next year….

3 months strong

The time is moving forward. And with all the added distractions at work, I find it tougher to savor each and every moment like I was able to when we spent whole days together. But my priorities are clear. I finish all he work that I can so all I have to do when I get home is be Mommy. She can have all my attention because she deserves it. And selfishly, I don’t want her to forget me… Or even struggle to recognize me. I want her to know my cough coming up the block. Just like I know the sound of her sleepy whimper from rooms away. I know it will happen because throngs of mothers have assured and reassured. I am just one that likes to speak my dreams into existence. And just incase existence is hard of hearing – repetiton is the mother of perfection!

This month, my cherub is 3 months strong and no longer considered a newborn. She is now a full fledged baby. My 4th trimester is officially over and I dare say I came thru with flying colors. I know it is all a process and all the things I have expertise in now will go the way of the dinosaur soon. But I am ready for the ever changing, always evolving wonderment that is my Theeny.

Her morning laughter at the sight and recognition of me is something that I LIVE for. It is the most powerful pick me up in the morning and fuels me through my day to get back to her. I love my nucleus. Seeing us together gives me new purpose and renewed strength. I believe I can accomplish anything – even bring myself home and be a SAHM like I have always wanted. I just have to walk the path carefully and diligently. I can. I will. For my Theeny

My Turn…

It was all a dream

And now? my reality…

There are no words to describe this feeling…

Thank you, Hayden and the mastery that is Greene Light Photography

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Life’s New Arrival

Our appointment for the c-section was for 10:00AM but they advised us to be there for 8:00 and to report to triage and be prepped for the surgery.  We got there right on time with my Nininne in tow (as she spent the night at our home so as to be on time in the AM).  Once we got to Triage we got the message a few times that there were a few emergencies that came through and that all scheduled appointments were unfortunately pushed back.  So the first nurse we spoke to told us we could go downstairs and (everyone else) could eat and come back around 9.  Which we did.  Got back to Triage at 9AM and they started strapping me up with all the accoutrements of prep – baby monitor, IV line, hospital braceletes, designer open to the back gown, mesh cap for my hair, footie socks with grips – the whole kit and kaboodle.   And then… we waited.  Between Earl and Nininnie and Cora they switched shifts on who could be in the room with me at the same time (they only “allowed” one at a time but we broke the rules when they weren’t looking).  We spent the time just chatting and talking about the very near future (when we would meet this little cherub that was steadily kicking my baby monitors off of her booty or arm or wherever they were that she didn’t like them).  More people came in to talk to us… More emergencies were lined up before the appointment folks.  But I was assured that as soon as they had an opening for an appointment person – I was first up.  At around 12:30 they started to make moves to get me into the operating room.  They told Earl to go dress up so that he could be in the room with me.

I got to the room and everything was bright and white and there were some anesthesiologists there waiting for me so that they could perform the epidural.  They cued up Billy Joel’s Greatest hits and I sang along to “My Life” and “Piano Man” as they tapped on my back and asked me if that felt central or off to the side…  Constantly realigning my back (because of how long it was taking i’d slump to one side or the other).  Finally they started administering the medicine and I felt tingling going down my legs.  It got very hard to move and feel them so they laid me out and started prepping me for everything.  They put the blue curtain up so that I wouldnt’ be able to see what they were doing.  I never expected it to be so close to my face though.  They I felt them touching me on my abdomen.  And they would ask “Do you feel anything, Victoria?”  and I said “Yes, I feel you touching me… but that’s it.”  There was a giddy 3rd year medical student who was invited to watch the c-section in the room with me and by my head giving me encouragement.  She assured me that everything was alright and that soon I’d feel tugging and pulling and that was all normal.   Admittedly, at this point, I started to get really nervous.  Were they cutting me already?  Where was Earl?  Oh Gosh… this is really happening.  The anesthesia – although localized – really was affecting all of me.  I felt dizzy and nauseous at times and overall, I was fighting the desire to just sleep.  The door to the OR opened and in came my Earl who was rushed to my side.  I felt so much better seeing him because I was really starting to get scared – I began to cry when I saw him.  And he held my hand and assured me that everything was alright but that they’d already started cutting me.  I said “you saw that???” and he said, “Yeah… I walked right past it.”  GEEZ.

The next few minutes felt like an eternity… but I know it was only a few minutes because of the huge clock that was on the wall directly in my line of sight. All the big action happened between 1:12 and 1:25.  There was talk of suction not being strong enough…  Wait… there’s scar tissue here….  Okay… have we made it through that layer yet?…. More suction.   All the while the numbed poking and prodding was felt by me the entire time.  When would be this profound pulling and tugging I read about and that they assured me I would feel?  When would this baby be delivered?  GOSH I was tired… I just wanted to close my eyes, but I want to be awake when she gets here.  “Stay with me,” Earl encouraged as often as he could.  At 1:25 they announced, ” okay… here we go”… I felt one good tug and there was a flurry of action off to my left.  Then I heard it:  Her first shrill little cry and gasp!!  My baby was here!!!  Well, over there, but here in the world!  She cried and cried as they cleaned and weighed and poked and prodded her… then finally placed her swaddled body in Earl’s arms where she PROMPTLY stopped crying.  She was peaceful and quiet and BEAUTIFUL!    So plump and perfect…  My baby was here in the world… with me.  We took a few photos (thankfully) to commemorate the moment and of course – we couldn’t dwell on it all.   They had to rush her for more tests and more preparation and of course – they had to now sew up the gaping hole that was my abdomen.  They whisked her and Earl away and then it was just me again for a long while.  Getting sewn up.  In recovery (for an inordinate amount of time).  Then finally to my room 5 hours later where I could gaze upon my cherub goddess again.  And I haven’t stopped yet.

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There is NOTHING like this…

Sweetest Goddess -

It is not like the night before graduation.  Or moving to another state.  Or like the moments before your wedding or any other sacrament in which you may partake.  Not the quivers before a major exam.  Not the day before a new promising job.  There are NO words to describe the feeling that I have knowing that today begins a new life for me.  Life as your mother.

I have DREAMED of this moment… more than I care to admit.  One may think I’m obsessed with the thought, but your presence in my life has been on my mind since I was a little baby myself.  As a child you took the form of many a cabbage patch kid and pink bunny rabbit.  The name you were DEFINITELY going to have changed about 4 times during the course of my life.  Who I thought without a shadow of a doubt would be the best father for you PALES in comparison to who you will actually get to call Daddy.  This day is a realization that I haven’t been dreaming this.  Not this time.  I’m not going to wake up with just a shadow of your face burned on my heart and a vague idea of what you might look like one day.  Today is the real thing.  Today is the biggest day of my life.  And even though I’m managing to piece together words for you to read one day when you’re older and stumble across this blog… I’m truly at a loss for words.  When I think of how hard I prayed and how much I cried and the things that had to be done to allow for your reality… I am HUMBLED by your presence here.  I am a blessed vessel and dedicated servant.  While it may not always seem that way and you’ll be resigned to believe that your poor mother must be crazy my only delusion is the intoxication of love I have for you.  The deep devotion I have to making a better life for you and giving you an amazing chance at this world, at this life — for being the absolute best person that you can become.   If I stumble over it, it’s clumsiness that can be assigned to my wanting to overshoot the goal.  I worry about doing it wrong or not doing enough of anything.  I’ll learn with time because all crafts are a thing to be perfected.  I pray to wield this motherhood thing with the effortlessness that your Grandmother had.  And even she still made mistakes out of extreme love.

You are an answered prayer.   My wish on a star.  My hearts greatest desire.  When I call on your name it is a thank you to God for allowing me to have this dream play out in my reality.  I can’t WAIT to hold you in my arms and feel your love.

AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!

Athena.

Welcome, my daughter.

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Week 39: Dreams of My Daughter

Well, that’s it… unless this little one makes a break for it this weekend, we are scheduled to meet her on Wednesday, June 29th at 10AM.  I’m super excited about it, a little scared, worried that I’ll mess something really important up and overall… OVERJOYED.

I’ve been wracked with weird dreams lately… most of them I can’t remember fully but always remembering that in them, I meet some version of this little cherub.  Sometimes good and leaves me feeling refreshed when I wake up and of course there are the dreams that leave me with a sinking feeling in my stomach that I did something drastically wrong.

I’ve been learning to be easier on myself with all that I think might have gone wrong with this pregnancy.  But at the end of the day – I took all my medicines every single day – give or take 5 or so days out of 10 months.  I tried to eat as healthily as I could and manage my cravings for things I shouldn’t have like sugar or excessive fat.  I made a concerted effort to sleep on my left side for the last 10 months to increase the oxygen and blood flow to her.  I lessened activity and started wearing flats around the 8th month so as to take it easy on myself.  I mean… I know that most mothers think this in the back of their heads but… crack whores give birth to healthy babies and don’t even try HALF AS MUCH effort.  Not that this should be the standard.   But the point being that I shouldn’t assume that everything will be wrong with this little one.  I did my very best.  And judging by how active and the measurements despite the adversities…. I didn’t do poorly.  She looks to be about 7lbs when she comes out this week – which is a good size especially considering I was battling GD and the risk was that she’d come out too big.  Her lung functionality should be in place because last week wednesday her L/S level was at 2.3 which should put her at above 2.5 when she comes out this week so, hopefully no NICU for her.  The blood flow to her brain ratio was 1.09 on Thursday which impressed the doctor – after we worried that the blood clots that were forming in the placenta might hinder some of that.  And overall… she’s been a calm (yet active), happy little someone in there.  We’ve both not gone through mood swings (except when it related to talks about my mom and grandma and how much I miss them).  Cravings were under control.  I have yet to see my feet swell from edema.  Not one mention of “bedrest” when I was sure I’d be laid up.

This? has been a GREAT pregnancy and I had wonderful professionals holding my hand down this path.  Even when they would frustrate the hell out of me with their sometimes lack of communication… they knew what they were doing and made sure I walked the right path to assure this little one’s arrival.

What a difference 2 years can make.  This time in 2009… I was recovering from my abdominal myomectomy.  What held up position in my uterus right prior were 14 useless masses of stunted growth and dreams deferred… stress and poor living.  Making it impossible to conceive and sustain.  Since them being cleared out and going through one failed round of IVF… Here I am – naturally conceived this little one… and grew her up…  Despite  the pitfalls…. Placental Previa.  Gestational Diabetes. Thrombophila.  Anemia. Clots in the Placenta. 4 Fibroids growing in there with her.   Despite all of that… she dances and twirls and poses for paparazzi when we do our ultrasound and even smiles.

THANK YOU LORD!!!  All things truly balance out in the world.  You promised me that after rain and the darkest night, I’d see the light and glory if I remained faithful.  All glory goes to you, GOD.  THANK YOU for this AMAZING gift.  I am HUMBLED and GRATEFUL!

4 days to go.

AMEN.

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