An Awkward Situation…

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So Quiet… So simple

I’m home. I’m safe. I’m loved. Home is clean. Personal effects that I’ve had a lot of love for for a long time are restored and in my home. My husband is breathing deeply as he sleeps off our 3 year anniversary dinner. I love his skin. I love his mind. I love his eyes. He loves me infinitely. I adore him. I dote on him. He’s still uncomfortable with me staring at him, but I can’t help it. I’m in awe. I didn’t know this kind of love was possible. I live in anticipation of the love and life we’ll create together and what new feelings that will uplift in me. I’ll speak what I’m thinking without thinking I’m “jinxing it”… there is much needed quiet in my life … at least for the last week. The serenity is more than welcome and I invite more in. I am ready to be a vessel for this new little life. I’m ready to let go of past hurt, trifling people, hateful ways, negativity and silliness with all my might and embrace the future and those that truly count. My life is truly going to be different. I’ve shed the old me whether I wanted to or not and I love who I’m becoming. Quieter. Simpler. Happier. Me.

Good night.
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Cry Baby

Greene Light Photography - Hayden Greene

So the latest in Victoria fashion is that I seem to cry alot at baby stories. I watched a few shows of that nature last night with the hubby and ended up bawling every time a baby made it into the world. Used to be something that was so far fetched for me… the idea of giving birth. But it’s become more and more real as of late that the possibility of doing it all makes me feel… empathetic to what the women on the screen are experiencing. More and more though, I know I’d like to have a midwife and a home birth. I use the “home” part loosely. I’d like to have a natural birth in a peaceful setting with minimal pharmaceutical intervention – not necessarily in my apartment living room. If we manage to have a HOUSE by that time, then yes. I’d love to have that.

I watched this documentary put together by Ricki Lake called The Business of Being Born that I was flipping by casually one day cause there was nothing on tv. And it just so happened to be while I was on my 6 week medical leave. I walked away from that documentary knowing a few things for sure 1) Women have an innate knowledge of what the birth process should be like… even if we don’t experience it all the time 2) Women (mostly american ones) have NO IDEA what birth really looks like because all we see on TV are women laid out with their feet in the air screaming for an epidural. It does NOT have to be that way AND? that’s more of that culture of fear. 3) There are always choices but we have to be knowledgeable. We research more for the car we’re going to buy, or the laptop we want than we do for our birth options. In 2005, c-sections were 1 out of every 3 births in America. C-sections are MAJOR Surgery and are SUPPOSED to only be used in dire emergencies. But… I don’t know ONE WOMAN (and I know a LOT) who has recently given birth vaginally. NOT. ONE. I remember noticing this trend back in 2000 and it peaked my interest then. But then it just snow balled. So I’ve always had my antennae up about it.

But I believe and feel more and more now, the reality of having this little life will be my image on the screen one day (edited, of course) LOL And that makes me all teary eyed and happy.

Can’t wait!

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Fight Alone

They’re all going to frown at you… they’re all going to frown at you…
Brows furrowed and arms crossed.
Fuming at you for wrongs not personally done to them
But it’s their job.

I’m standing very alone in a situation that calls for backup. But I don’t have much anymore these days. Just my own heart and mind telling me I can stand strong and be strong. And may be that’s all I need. I need to assert myself against a claim formerly made by Cary that I was not the stuff of marriage material. I AM… I can be. I’m always ascending. And I can prove it. Now if others besides me could just believe it for a moment. I could change the world.

I hope who I speak to on Monday has a heart. And if not … I am ready to appeal to the bottom lines.

Please God. Be on my side for this.

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Laws of Attraction

Amidst last night’s tossing and turning, and obviously, ending up in a very bad position that has my arm feeling like I popped my shoulder out of my rotator cuff i experienced a pretty strange, vivid dream. Thankfully it wasn’t the kind that I’ve been used to lately.

There was some kind of a crisis outside of a friends building – there was a rally of police cars, fire trucks… something was going down and I happened to be there at my friends house for a get together. When everything died down, we went back upstairs to the apartment party where everyone was sitting around wherever they needed to – living room, kitchen, bedrooms… whatever. I chose to sit on the corner of her bed along with a group of people who sat around the room, on the floor, in chairs and what not watching tv and chatting. I was on the bed playing with my friends baby daughter and ultimately ended up changing her right there (odd – I know). The vibe of the party was this uuber conscious “granola” crowd – a lot of blacks who were fully aware of their “roots” – traced their ancestry back to the countries in Africa, cut off their processed hair and wore clothing weaved of hemp (it’s extreme, but you see them at all the Erykah Badu concerts – drum that up in your mind). And I guess – it’s now not too far of a stretch of the imagination that I was one of them.

So I’m changing this sweet baby girl – not out of anything that would overload the room – but I think I was changing her clothes. And I hear a relatively deep voice from behind me on the bed say softly, “S’ak Passe, cherie m’wen?” (which in creole means – what’s happening my sweet?). So I turn around and laid across the other side of the bed propped up on one arm is this very attractive, very familiar looking man. Light skinned. Tall. Head full of brown curlies, clean shaven, hazel eyes, wicked smile and SWAG… just oozing out of him. I feel like I’ve seen him before… on TV. But in the dream I’m pretty sure he’s a bball player. I respond to him shyly “N’ap kembe.. piti piti.” (which is the equivalent of “hanging in there”). He’s chatting with me for a little while but the whole time he’s talking to me… I could FEEL that he’d locked in on me. I was the subject of his interest and the rest of the world disappeared. He was completely enthralled with me and it felt… amazing. Even through a dream — to have someone think so much of me that I deserved their full attention. Our conversation began to have to wind down because I believe I had to go. In the dream it seems I’m very much still someone else’s girl. “When can I see you again… or talk to you again…?” he asked – being very respectful of my personal space but somehow yet still getting close enough to let me feel his interest. I shrugged and said… I’m not sure…. I smiled shyly again and he ran his hand down the length of my arms and when he got to my hands he looked at them and said… “you have such small hands – they’re beautiful”… And I was about to protest… because the entire monde entiere KNOWS i hate my hands (and feet) because of how very big they are – inherited from my 6′ 5″ father… But I looked at my hand in the expanse of his… BBALL Player… and yeah. They were small in comparison. I glanced at my bberry and announced that I had to go. I reached up to hug him and left. By the time I got in the car I was chatting with some other girlfriends and I heard a BBM message come through. And it was him. I read the screen clearly (which is nearly impossible in a dream… but I managed to read AND remember his name) “Corey Cleophat: Thank you for giving me the chance to meet you. You’re amazing and beautiful and I can’t wait to chat with you again” And I swooned, because i didn’t give him my BBM name so he had to have tried to figure it out or ask someone, but the chase was beginning… he wasn’t going to let me go that quickly.

Then woke up.

So this is a very different kind of swooning in comparison to the swooning I had with my chocolate doctor dream. That dream was creepy moreso because I knew and felt it in my being that I belonged with that doctor man. He was THE PERFECT one… And beyond all sensations I really knew that we were beyond kindred or star crossed… just … destined. With this guy… it was just… so good to be pursued and genuinely wanted. And I’ve been wondering lately – when does that go away? The desire to still be found attractive and worthy of chase. I would think that after marriage beyond it being unnecessary – It can be misconstrued as displeasure or discontent in the current decision. I’m not displeased or discontent in my marriage — however, I wonder if anyone else in the world finds me attractive at all because at this point in life it feels like just the hubby. And that SHOULD be enough. I just wonder how powerful those little bands I put on in the morning are. Like a cloak of invisibility to the opposite sex. They can’t even SEE me to comment on me. It feels a little like disappearing.

But it was good to feel like a genuine article of desire even though it was all in my mind.

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