Impressions / Perceptions

I really met someone on Sunday who I knew for a while. Knew about, I should say. It’s amazing because I almost avoided him when I saw him approaching. Usually, he is a ball of undeniable, irrefutable energy. And usually? I’m tryin’ to stay calm and do my thing but the essence of his borderline “ignut” behavior always finds a way to creep into my space.

See… He’s a Que. Like… A QUUUUUEE!!! A-Roo ROO! Complete with humping people when he sees them, being loud and out there in the dead of silence and typically disturbing the peace with dog calls all day. Now, I have to say I haven’t known THAT many rambunctious Ques. And the last one of note goes by the name Mandingo whose his signature attire was a purple thong that he’d wear out with really nothing else on and hump and hop his way through whatever event he was attending. He was like… The Que mascot in the North East. Everyone knew Mandingo when I was growing up Greek. This particular brother of which I speak carried himself in much the same manner (minus the unnecessary nekkidness) which made me kind of want to steer clear. And I did usually. Which is odd for me because I tend to gravitate towards the quad club – but he always seemed a bit much to me.

Well, we had the NYCBGLO Family Reunion on Sunday and he rolled through. And I saw him greeting folks in his normal dog-like “marking my territory” style. But he seemed decidedly reserved beyond that. He was hanging with one of my sorors who I went over to chat with and he stayed with us in conversation. And you know what? Really cool guy!! We talked for a little over an hour and he was super cool, very funny and articulate, and all around nice. Silliest thing is that he found ME to be hilarious. “Earl must STAY laughin’ at home! You are too funny!” I was admittedly tickled by that but know that E probably spends his time laughing AT me, rather than with…. Which is fine – as long as he laughs.

But it made me think about the behaviors we might enact that may keep people at a certain distance from knowing someone wonderful. Granted the argument can be made that folks who truly want to know you will attempt to look beyond and I get that but for the sake of this post … It could be any air that you put on that really isn’t your personality — the super business person at work thinking it might gain people’s respect when you’re a genuinely warm and funny person; the overly sexual provocative type when all they’re looking for is love; super jokey person that you can’t get a straight answer out of cause they might be afraid of ur reaction to the truth…. There are a million deterrent behaviors out there. All the more encouragement for one to want to be themselves as much as possible.

I mean – whodda thunk Mandingo is an elementary school teacher… whoa.

Makes you think

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Get Higher

My conversation with God last night… (he’s REALLY an amazing soundboard…)

[00:35] Me: do you think I should try ecstasy?
[00:37] GOD: naw. I’ve been warned by too many people about ecstasy
[00:37] GOD: its not made the same way every time
[00:37] GOD: and people have OD’D on it
[00:39] Me: okay
[00:40] GOD: why do u ask?
[00:40] GOD: if I may…
[00:43] Me: i dunno
[00:43] Me: find myself looking for something else.
[00:43] Me: not that e would be a replacement…
[00:43] Me: i just don’t want to drink anymore.
[00:43] Me: i dunno
[00:43] Me: it was a fleeting thought
[00:43] GOD: lol
[00:43] GOD: well, I would implore you not to jump to e…
[00:44] GOD: cuz its made with all kinds of hard drugs. very unpredictable.
[00:44] Me: i know.
[00:52] GOD: http://ecstasy.org/qanda/whatise.html
[00:55] Me: you’re really doing a little e-ntervention, huh?
[00:55] GOD: CU
[00:55] GOD: I did some research myself
[00:55] GOD: cuz I’ve just heard things. One of my angels was a paramedic
[00:56] GOD: and he told me about how many OD cases he’d seen from it. But being that it was something y’all cooked up down there I didn’t know exactly what was in it
[00:56] GOD: I heard it was a mix of coke, heroine and methamphetamine
[00:57] GOD: I think you should address why you want to medicate rather that doing a Huey Lewis
[00:58] Me: well…
[00:58] Me: before i realized (or chose to re-affirm) that there were so many chemicals in it…
[00:58] Me: i was thinking…
[00:58] Me: i’ve quit smoking
[00:58] Me: which was a high for me…
[00:59] Me: i’m starting to ween off of the alcohol…
[00:59] Me: which is another high…
[00:59] GOD: right, right
[00:59] Me: but what’s happening now… with the detox and the addition of all these new hormone balancing factions to my diet…
[00:59] Me: my sex drive is coming way down…
[00:59] Me: i don’t want it to go too far…
[01:00] Me: and I guess I’m looking for some kind of high to keep it afloat.
[01:00] GOD: interesting
[01:00] Me: strangely enough I was watching a Family Guy today that showed Peter’s reaction to E…
[01:00] Me: and it was like … “yeah… I remember it being ALL of that”
[01:00] Me: everything felt AMAZING.. .
[01:00] Me: but now i feel like i really have to concentrate.
[01:01] Me: it never used to be the case
[01:02] Me: and I actually think about sex LESS…
[01:02] Me: when I get into the full battery of hormone balancing and liver cleanse…
[01:02] Me: I’m afraid to lose that part of me…
[01:02] Me: cause like….
[01:02] Me: what’s left?
[01:02] Me: lol
[01:02] GOD: ahhh…
[01:02] Me: all I’ve known is being a sexual being.
[01:02] Me: so what now? I become an intellectual???
[01:02] GOD: LOL
[01:03] Me: i enjoyed being intel-sexual
[01:03] GOD: lol
[01:07] Me: i’m so blase to everything…
[01:07] Me: nothing excites me.
[01:08] Me: i dunno
[01:08] Me: but it’s like this…
[01:08] Me: UMPH that’s going from me…
[01:08] Me: i’m afraid.
[01:08] Me: i don’t want to lose that.
[01:09] GOD: do you think its just the detox or something else? cuz I would imagine the detoxing would make you MORE umm… randy.
[01:09] Me: and if all this detoxing / hormonal balance will make me live longer and be a prudish bitch
[01:09] Me: then lemme stop and nut all the way to an early grave
[01:11] Me: I have an over abundance of estrogen
[01:11] Me: just coursing through me
[01:11] Me: that’s like…
[01:11] Me: doubling male testosterone
[01:11] Me: can you imagine?
[01:11] GOD: damn
[01:12] GOD: you think estrogen make u horny?
[01:12] Me: why wouldn’t it?
[01:12] Me: isn’t it the ESSENCE of womanhood?
[01:12] Me: why wouldn’t I be ready all the time? the prime directive needs to be fulfilled.
[01:12] Me: and that estrogen is telling me… DO THAT ALL DAMNED DAY
[01:12] Me: at menopause, estrogen drops significantly.
[01:13] Me: cause you cannot procreate anymore – and with it? the drive.
[01:13] Me: doesn’t that make sense?
[01:13] Me: so if i’m packing twice the amt…
[01:13] Me: no wonder.
[01:14] GOD: how do you know you packing twice the amount lol
[01:14] Me: fibroids, silly
[01:14] Me: don’t goad me LOL
[01:14] Me: okay… not twice
[01:14] Me: but MORE.
[01:14] Me: and I can’t do anything half assed.
[01:14] Me: so… yes… I have TWICE
[01:14] GOD: LOL
[01:14] Me: because I’m ME damnit
[01:14] GOD: ok, TWICE it is
[01:15] GOD: so you think half as much would make you “normal” ?
[01:15] Me: our levels of testosterone are nominal
[01:15] Me: and i can’t see how more of it would make us want to have sex to fulfill the prime directive more…
[01:15] Me: it zaps us of our womanliness.
[01:15] Me: we grow hair where it shouldn’t grow…
[01:16] Me: breasts start to shrink… curves disappear.
[01:16] GOD: aggressiveness?
[01:16] Me: hell no
[01:16] GOD: ok
[01:16] GOD: I see your point
[01:16] Me: they’re not one in the same.
[01:16] Me: you can be angry all day long and never fuck anyone
[01:16] Me: LOL
[01:16] Me: it’s our femininity that makes us want to be dominated… taken… used.
[01:17] GOD: well when you put it that way…
[01:17] Me: if we’re the aggressor… that’s not really sexy…
[01:17] Me: well.
[01:17] Me: i mean.
[01:17] Me: it can be.
[01:17] Me: but we’re still VERY feminine when we do it right.
[01:17] Me: very cat like.
[01:17] GOD: indeed. I designed it so.
[01:18] Me: so… if I restore the balance…
[01:18] Me: will i ever have that high again?
[01:18] Me: God?
[01:18] Me: all my vices can’t disappear at once.
[01:19] GOD: awww
[01:19] Me: i need SOMETHING…
[01:19] GOD: suga
[01:19] Me: this world is awfully raw..
[01:19] GOD: i know…
[01:19] Me: i need a buffer… of some kind.
[01:22] Me: I’ve been thinking alot about life, longevity and death lately.
[01:22] GOD: ok
[01:22] Me: and I’ve come to terms with the idea that I really don’t want to live ‘long’
[01:22] GOD: right, you mentioned that to me
[01:22] Me: if ‘long’ means that I’ll be comatose…. for 10 years… and a burden to everyone.
[01:22] Me: i want to REALLY live FULLY
[01:22] Me: feel everything…
[01:22] Me: love completely…
[01:23] Me: be angry enough to punch someone in the face…
[01:23] Me: cry uncontrollably..
[01:23] Me: be truly at peace… and die at like 60… if i’ve used up all the good life energy that way
[01:23] GOD: so in your mind you’re halfway there..more than
[01:23] Me: yeah…
[01:24] Me: i know the other half… You willing… will involve my kids…
[01:24] Me: and i want to set a great example…
[01:24] GOD: you’re not supposed to do this til you’re 40 lol
[01:24] Me: well… that’s maybe because… everyone else gets to be 40 when they watch their parents die.
[01:25] Me: i don’t really have that luxury.
[01:25] GOD: aww. I meant that 80 is typically..never mind, I understand, my child…
[01:25] GOD: go ahead..
[01:25] Me: and maybe… if they saw their families through these eyes… they MIGHT not end up where they are (or were) today.
[01:26] Me: they would have tried a little harder… stopped the stupid bullshit… made the hard decisions to hurt someone else and not themselves..
[01:26] Me: you know… stuff like that.
[01:26] Me: i know that we never know….
[01:26] Me: what life has in store… *smh*
[01:26] Me: which makes all this over thinking so pointless, huh?
[01:27] GOD: nope
[01:27] GOD: the thinking is what makes you who you are
[01:27] Me: i can’t end up like my mom, God.
[01:27] Me: i just can’t.
[01:28] Me: she’s really the embodiment of disappointment.
[01:28] Me: but she never stood in the gap when she had the opportunity to deter… to forbid it entry…
[01:28] Me: she just let it wash over her… and now… that’s all she is. physical disappointment.
[01:28] Me: all the organs failing…
[01:29] Me: cancer growing…
[01:29] Me: depression set in deep
[01:29] GOD:….
[01:29] Me: i can’t.
[01:29] Me: she’s only 66.
[01:30] Me: my god mother? is OLDER than her
[01:30] GOD: right
[01:30] Me: and she’s a fuckin’ firecracker
[01:30] GOD: That? she is!
[01:30] Me: i dunno.
[01:30] Me: i’m sorry. i have so much on my mind.
[01:30] Me: i’m afraid to lose myself.
[01:30] Me: but I can’t stay who i am if i want to avoid the foreseeable future.
[01:31] Me: i gotta go down a different path.
[01:31] GOD: wow, hon.
[01:31] Me: maybe I’ll feel different once I have kids
[01:31] Me: then I’ll want to live forever to always be there for them, huh?
[01:32] GOD: maybe, maybe not…u may not want to be a burden to them. isn’t that what you said before?
[01:33] Me: it is…
[01:33] Me: it is…
[01:34] GOD: so, you’re gonna have to want to live for yourself
[01:34] GOD: no one else
[01:34] GOD: you can have the great quality of life at 70
[01:34] GOD: driving down the highway with your 40 year old pool boy
[01:34] GOD: like Morgan Freeman
[01:36] Me: …i hope

Thank God.

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Lost and Found

Yep, so I let almost a month go by again w/o blogging. I must get better at this. I just kind of let myself get all turned around. In all honestly lately, I haven’t thought half as much about blogging as I should with all the thoughts running through my mind, I should be in front of that computer EVERY DAY trying to talk it out. But the days go by and the thoughts escape me. Problems come and just that quick they dissolve with time or solution and eliminates the need for a blog post about it. Between that and the general passage of time with work, mom stuff and home… well… TD takes a hit. But I think if I can make it in here at least once a month, I’m doing really good (and of course with that being said I’ll either be on here EVERY DAY or not again till next month…)

So to recap the thoughts that have been lost and those that stayed…

Nininne is in town (has been for the last 2 weeks) and I got to see her twice (once more tomorrow before she leaves) and it really was, as always, a breath of fresh air. I love that woman. I flatter myself to think that she’s me in 30 years. No matter what I’ll never have THAT much gumption… She’s really purely built of another fiber. A strong one that barely ever tears or wrinkles but is soft to the touch and wonderfully wearable. The thing that saddened me about her trip… is that she is taking to get away from her husband. *sigh*… the man she’s been with for 27 years… she boldfacedly stated to me that she wishes that she wasn’t married to him anymore. And my Nininne doesn’t make statements like that. Not with out careful analysis and plenty of thought given to the issue. So whatever brought on the most recend disagreement sent her fleeing for her birthday to spend up here with her countless god children (there’s like 20 of us for real – and we ALL own her!) and her daughter and grandkids. She seems happy to be here with us… and of course she looks as fabulous as always. We got together for her birthday party at Monie’s house and it was a perfect night. Not to hot, not too cold, not a cloud in the sky and I miraculously averted being bitten by any bugs LOL. It was such a cool vibe that even Domi enjoyed himself.

Mom has become keen and skilled in the art of driving me insane. LOL. I think now that she’s aware of it and uses it for her amusement. Things seem to be a little too quiet… time to shake it up and make the kids crazy. She was doing great in rehab… we were all excited and then one day they moved her from her luxurious single room with the big flat screen tv to some room at the end of the hall behind God’s back… and she pitched a fit. If she could come home THAT DAY? she would have. But we managed to talk her into staying for another week while we prepared the way for her to come home. In that week, I’m steady having discussions with the social workers in the facility, taking days off to make sure that stuff is set up… and on Tuesday of this week she announces to us that she doesn’t want to come home anymore. She realized that the rehab is going well but she’s in no condition to come home yet and if she does at this point, she’ll be a burden. *insert words I can’t find HERE*

Murried life continues to keep me on my toes. Sometimes you think stuff is really bad… and then… it really isn’t. I can tell that E’s been trying very hard to fulfill my copious requests. I guess I’m just hard to please + jealous + needy. That’s a lot. The Trifecta. LOL. But I’m me… and for my trifecta, everyone else has theirs. Some folks I know are resistant to change + greedy + unrealistic. Others are delusional + pathological liars + crybabies. The combinations go on and on. But there’s someone on the other end that loves their dysfucnctional ass. So I own mine. Can you say the same?
He did surprise the heck out of me yesterday when I came home as he had gone behind my back with the help of one of my Sorors, got the order form and got my AKA membership ID and information and ordered me the limited edition AKA Centennial Barbie Doll. The one that I had just over looked while I was at Boule because I couldn’t afford shit and I wasn’t going to scrape pennies together for it but OH HOW I WANTED MY OWN BARBIE. Well – wish granted, courtesy of the Genie Earl

My Very Own AKA Barbie Doll!

Skeephi.com is back… sort of. LOL I posted a video that got everyone all nostalgic for the old days of the chatroom. So I started a Ning site and in 3 days 70 members swarmed to the site to sign up for their membership and it’s been like old times ever since. Well… not old times… old times reunion with a bunch of grown married folks! Sure is good to see the old gang and know that folks are doing well. Some folks have it in their mind that this is the Skeephi reset and stuff can go back to what it was. Those folks? are gonna get their feelings hurt. I have less tact than back then LOL!!!

Work is showing the slightest sliver of hope – they’re building out our area in the whitespace (finally). Like really building – walls have been erected… electrical lines are being threaded. It’s very exciting. Looking to be in there by October the latest. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’s all we ever hoped for and more.

Finally… Rest in Peace Bernie… I tell you, I’d laugh till I couldn’t breathe sometimes. I won’t say that life is cruel or unusual. Life is life… and this one ends with Death. That’s all there is to understand. But I sure appreciated all he did while he was here.

Bernie the King (viewer discretion advised)

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