More sun than clouds

More sun than clouds

This is the forecast that they’re predicting for Sunday – and that I like to think of as a forecast going forward – just in life. I can’t expect that everything will be perfect and wrapped up into this neat little bow and just amazing always. There HAVE to be some downs.

I was freaking out on Saturday. I mean… I had a full on breakdown in the car with Earl. Everything was just crashing around my ears (again) and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. Ceptin’ to lay there helpless and let everything go to shit. And it’s the worst feeling EVER. I only had 860 some odd days to get it together and here… now in the final days, things didn’t seem to be going right. I’d had the golden carrot dangled in front of me and chased it vehemently, only to have it snatched away at the last moment. And it had happened so many times that I just couldn’t justify it anymore. I lost it. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I voiced all my fears. I cried till I think I popped a capillary in my eye. I hit things. I kicked things. I flailed about. I let it all out.

And then… everything became clear. My baby took me through it. He screamed right back when he saw I wasn’t listening. He hit things and kicked things to make me see he was frustrated too. And in the end, he held me when I cried and wiped away my tears… and begged me for the 1% of faith I was holding on to among the 99% doubt that had shrouded me in darkness. He begged me to give him that 1% and trust him. Trust him to not let my nightmares come to pass if he had any control over it. Trust him to make sure that the things we promised ourselves would be reality. Trust him to know that we’re in this together and I’m not some helpless marionette of an evil puppeteer. Once again… he yanked me off of my ledge (i seem to REALLY love that ledge) and showed me that there was never a reason to jump and I’d just blown it all up in my head. Of course we were talking about the wedding / housing stuff – there’s no exaggerating what’s happening to my family right now. But I also have no control over that.

I explained to him that I’ve never been through this before. The dichotomy of emotions. Going from happy to sad in 5 seconds. I feel stretched thin. And I felt spent on Saturday. We went to see an apartment. (One day, I’ll go into detail about what our apartment search was like). This apartment is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS! I’m not altogether sure that I’d be in a hurry to find a house in THAT apartment for what they were charging. Just breathtaking. We were told from the onset that it was “ready to move in”. But after chatting with the landlady, she said – “so if everything is a go, you can move in March 1.” My heart sank so low… I don’t even know where to tell you it ended up. Past my feet… somewhere into the core of the earth. You mean to tell me… that after all the spending and planning and agonizing… for this big symbolic day on February 18th… I’m just gonna go home and be regular old me that I’ve been for 32 years. ARE YOU KIDDING???????

Looking back, I realized it would have only been for 2 more weeks – but still. I’ve waited a VERY long time to not have to go separate ways from this man. To be able to call where we both rest our heads at night “home” and have it be under the same roof. The thought of being his lawfully wedded wife and returning to sleep in my twin bed in my childhood bedroom… Tears ran from my eyes starting at 10 AM and didn’t stop until 3. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I couldn’t become “alright” with it. I freaked the fuck out.

My baby weathered my storm and brought me back to center. And today, we’re looking at 3 possible offers for beautiful apartments in beautiful neighborhoods. And the wedding planning… well, that’s got it’s ups and downs. All together thought – it’s more sun than clouds!

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A Sense of Urgency

A Sense of Urgency

I seem to be the only one operating with any and it's making me antsy. I look at the calendar and see that my wedding day is 11 days away and I start to freak out a little bit at the extent to which shit is not done. No programs, no place cards, no veil, no dye for my shoes, no finality on my guest list, no apartment. The unpreparedness is creeping in and i'm not sure how to plug up the holes. Nothing on the periphery is turning out how it should. At this late date when i've become callous to the "No's" I've gotten, a few more came in the 11th hour that did evoke some tears. Namely my dad. His cousin Gabriel (I got that one today), my mom gave me the the show goes on with or without her speech… So she's even a tentative.

I'm so grateful for my friends and sisters, though. They really are treating this like it's a big important day and doing all in their power to keep me happy and feeling like a princess. I just wish this day wasn't laden with so much pain and suffering. I wonder if i'll remember any of it 10 years from now. I hope not.

My photographer sent me a link to his blog and his gorgeous montage of our journey. And despite the lyrics of that, a very favorite song off of John Legend's 2nd album, it was sweet, endearing and beautiful. There were pics of me and my daddy in there *chokes up* he doesn't even look like that anymore.
Http://munroephotography.blogspot.com

I beat myself up last night about waiting to be 32 to get married. How if I had gotten married at 25, more people (family wise) would have come, some folks would be well / alive still. Maybe more of my family would be allowed to be excited.

But then… I wouldn't have chosen the right guy. Or been the woman that I am today.

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Terminal…

Terminal…

that’s what they’ve diagnosed Dad as. I don’t have any more details. I don’t know how long they’ve given him. I don’t know anything that’s going on. But that’s the latest…

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Funny Name Stuff…

Funny Name Stuff:

1. YOUR REAL NAME:
Victoria

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus ‘izzle’):
Vicizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal)
Pink Kitty

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name)
Denise Elbertson

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom’s maiden name)
Canviroche

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink).
Red Goose Martini

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads middle name)
Insot

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (parents’ middle names)
Denise Fritz

9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets)
Black Bobby

Down to the Wire

Down to the Wire

It seems so surreal. I remember when the countdown clock used to say "861 days to go" and I was excited then despite the quiet chuckles of amusement and the veiled smirks. A virtual pat on the head and an unspoken "Awww… That's cute". Now I try not to look at the clock because the nervous, nauseous pre- show feeling starts to flutter in my tummy and I just start to feel so crazy. The nervousness is mostly about my preparedness issues. I'm not sure that I'll be ready in time having all the things accomplished that I'd hoped to. But that just means action now.

I have to pick a song for my brother and I to dance to. I'm actually excited about it. With only a 4 year jump on me, he, more than anyone else has attempted to be a lasting father figure to me when the actual one was lacking. He helped me thru life's difficulties and celebrated my achievements the way a brother should and a father would. In my mind, I've narrowed it down to 2 songs. "He Is, They Are" by Harry Connick, Jr and "My Sherona" by The Knack. The latter of which has personal inside meaning to us about a day in our single digit youth that involved 3 of our favorite cousins visiting from Haiti, a hot day in NYC in the back of a station wagon and toasting a piece of bread on the metal plank in said station wagon. My Sherona was on the radio and our cousin Luc who barely spoke english would belt out "Mah Sheeshee ronaaahh". And we'd all fall out laughing. Doesn't seem like much- but it's a memory that we both share with equal fondness.

The former seems inappropriate at the words (it's about a father and his two kids getting along without the mom – which couldn't be further from our reality), but we love Harry Connick Jr. so much and enjoy the music over the words. I'll give them both a listen today and see if I can make up my mind.

We finalized stuff with the videographer on tuesday night… Today, we get our marriage license and tomorrow and Saturday promise to be full of festivity and celebration. I'm up for it all.

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