Could it be…

Could it be?

That blogger is working again….

Please let it be true… *presses publish*

Hindsight

Hindsight

The past few days have been peaceful on the homefront and the relationship front, but work and wedding planning could not suck more. Yesterday was a special low point. I’m overwhelmed with stuff to do and of course the quintessential “no time” to do it in. But that doesn’t change the fact that deadlines need to be met. And I agonize, but things just don’t seem to get done. Then with the wedding planning, I realize that mistake I made was hoping that everyone would have fun in the planning. I was enjoying it. But the fact of the matter is… (and ALL previous brides warned me but I didn’t listen) the day is about me and I needed to focus on how I was going to feel — not everyone else. Because no matter what I did or do, SOMEONE is going to have a bad time. And… Frankly… Tough. What can I really do anymore. I asked Earl for the next go around, when I offer him City Hall – TAKE IT. *sigh* So going forward, I’ll work on Earl & I being happy. Period.

My brother and I were talking about years past and how life was when we were in high school. I remember attending all my classes then coming home, doing my homework and eating dinner. Then, my favorite part… I’d saddle up behind my mom, almost spooning her and my head would rest in the ebb of her waist. She would stroke my hair and I would sleep. Deep and restful sleep. Usually sleep till she woke me up to go sleep for the night in my bed. As time went on, the pain in her legs and lower back increased and me doing that would cause her to hold one position and thusly ended up being painful for her. Sometimes, paralyzed by the sheer pain and unable to keep a thought straight in her head, she would wave me off “Get off of me!” I understood it wasn’t malicious, but that maybe spending time with her that waywasn’t going to work any more. So I stopped.

While telling this story to my brother, he remarked how mom told him once how much she loved that time with me. How she looked forward to me coming home from school and how much she regretted having to wake me up and send me to my room. That the time she spent with her baby girl was precious and cherished and she missed that. I just opened up into a full on cry, right there on the train… It just felt good to know that she enjoyed it as much as I did. I truly miss that peace and solace and sanctuary. But I’m not alone in its absence.

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Unready

Unready

Unfortunately, last night was another of those uneasy, unrestful nights full of disturbing dreams. This time all three disturbing dreams were of the wedding, and of the usual subject – me not being prepared. The firs of the dreams had me getting married in my living room, which isn’t unusual – i’ve had similar dreams way before the engagement. But it seems, in this dream, as we’re celebrating into the night, I remember that we still had the hall and that all that money was wasted paying for the hall and my heart sank and I woke up.

The next dream, we were at the hall but in the final hour, I realized that I never made a cd of all the music that we’ll need – and so my entrance song wasn’t in there. I tried to find it everywhere… But couldn’t. At one point they started the processional but I refused to go in till I either found my song or found a suitable replacement. (and if you know how I feel about my entrance song – THERE IS NO replacing it.) So after a good 45 minutes to an hour of searching – and not to mention leaving my guests, bridesmaids and groomsmen waiting, I picked a song and walked down the aisle to it, disgruntled. I remember the relief and remnants of tears in Earl’s eyes as I met him at the altar and he whispered “I was so afraid that you changed your mind”. Then I felt so bad for making him wait under such selfish auspice.

The final dream was similar in nature that something that was labored for went unused. I can’t remember right now what it was. But I was plenty upset about it.

The worst part was that as I was dreaming, it was as much reality to me as anything and I could feel my heart sink at the realization that things may not go as I hoped and prayed they would for 2 years.

I hope I’m ready for the day of.

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I Miss Those Days

I Miss Those Days

I miss the days of being in love

in
fatuated

in
toxicated

I miss the helpless hopeless feeling of the skipped beat or the stuttered word

living on the edge of a constant heart pounding anticipation…

That fidgety when he locks eyes with you

clammy palms when touching you

Tongue stuck dry to the roof of your mouth when he holds you

anticipation

the late night phone calls that evoke the sun

the drawn out silences full of comfort and wonder.

The guts leaping at the sound of the doorbell or the ding of a new email…

I miss those days.

I miss being the one that’s missed

knowing my voice uttering his name gives hime the same butterflies I feel when I say it

I miss goosebumps and
long savory unintentional soft kisses

I miss running away knowing he’s coming right behind because he needs me as much as I need him

I miss the feeling of not being able to stay mad

I miss being the prey that’s caught and the one that got away

I miss being adored.

I miss being in love.

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