Monopolize the Air

Monopolize the Air

Try to take possession
of something that isn’t yours
That belongs to no one…
like a sip of water that will never
return to the earth.
or a breath of air
that no one else is allowed to breathe.

The footnote to futility.

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Fear

Every time I write that word alone, I hear the Sade song of the same name ring off in my head. It has the same intensity as impending fright.

A couple of nights ago I virtually bumped into an old acquaintance of mine. Early Sorority days – as a matter of fact, she was one of the few there the night that I met my future husband. She logged onto IM and we chatted for a bit. She asked me how wedding planning was going and I responded “smoothly”. And in kind I asked her how her life was going. She expressed to me that she was going through quite a bit after having lost her soulmate / future husband in a fatal car accident. That she no longer sleeps through the night because she wakes up around 2:30 / 3:00 (the time she got the call that night 5 weeks ago). She expressed how real the realization of our mortality comes after we’ve lost someone we’ve grown to love.

She went on as she uncovered one of my biggest fears. That i’d lose my earl before “our time” which means any time before grandkids are here. Now that he’s a part… I cannot imagine life without him. Plain and simple. And the thought of me having to adjust to that idea … I don’t even have the ability to wrap my mind around that much fear…

Don’t get me wrong. If something happened and he and I couldn’t be together, that’s one thing. But for us to not inhabit the Earth simultaneously anymore…

I can’t even think about it.

My prayers are with my friend, today

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Deaden the Nerve

Deaden the Nerve

For as long as I can remember… by as many people as I know – I’ve been encouraged to do this… deaden a nerve. Desensitize just a little because I feel too much. Down to the stupidest little thing – I have very deep concerns for characters in a movie who die a gory or unnecessary death – it could be completely fictional story … but there I am, feeling very badly for them. Or for a cartoon character even. Now… take that and extrapolate what I might feel about someone who is actually real. Or worse – that I might know. Worse yet… that I might care about. I hold the people in my life that I care about deeply in very high regard. So… when they do something to hurt me purposefully or inadvertently… it hurts profoundly and my reaction is commensurate. Maybe even considered an overreaction. But there is certainly a list of people who’ve reached the final limit with me in this day and age. No more do overs for them. I’m tired of feeling like this.

Beginning with my parents. This weekend, I decided to leave them here and continue on to live my life anew when I get married. It has to happen this way. I was idealistic to let myself believe that we could have co-existed under the same roof any longer and everyone made sure to tell me that it couldn’t have worked. And although I’m CRUSHED that they cannot go with me… this is the best decision for everyone. These people living next to me are not the parents I knew once… and there’s nothing I can do under the sun to please them or help them or assist. So, I can’t kill myself in the pursuit of what they want. They’ve done that to each other. A warning to the wise… careful where you make your bed. Seriously. It was said once in a movie I saw that a dream that you don’t follow can haunt you for the rest of your life. Regret isn’t one thing I’m willing to live with.

There are more… this being the most substantial. I guess the words for “get out of my life” come easier when you’ve deadened the nerve. As of now, I’ve been unable to say it to the worst offenders in my world. But I believe that will come with time.

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Love…

Love…

“Love is an ugly, terrible business practiced by fools. It’ll trample your heart and leave you bleeding on the floor. And what does it really get you in the end? Nothing but a few incredible memories that you can’t ever shake.”

The memories are definitely worth it people… Love exists…

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My Tante Rita

My Tante Rita

The word “tante” in french / creole is a colloquialism for Aunt or Auntie. And although through blood, Tante Rita was really a distant cousin… you couldn’t tell me and my brother differently. She was our aunt. She visited and cared for us just the way an aunt would. We knew to straighten up and fly right if we saw her in the street. She was our elder and we respected her to no end. This tiny woman… About 5′ 1″… carried herself with the grace and elegance of a queen. At 90 years old she was always dressed to the nines. Hair was ALWAYS … look… i mean ALWAYS done. I don’t think there was a day in my life I saw her with her hair pulled back. She Had gorgeous bronze curls that she styled herself. A touch of blush and a kiss of lipstick. And she walked…. EVERYWHERE. She always had a warm smile, a kind word, a funny joke and an infectious laugh. She did a HUGE and wonderful service to me by keeping my mom company after my Grandmother died. She stepped in and refused to let my mom feel lonely for long.

Tante Rita was cooking dinner in her kitchen when she slipped and fell and broke her femur (the bone in your thigh). She was rushed to the hospital and surgery was performed. But in the meantime, it was decided to put her in a home while she rehabilitated. We’re all convinced that this was the step that did it. We went to see her once while she was in the home and that was NOT our Rita. She sat there and wouldn’t entertain. Staring off into the distance while she sat surrounded by family.

A week later we got news that she suffered a heartattack and was back in the hosptial. And this evening… they announced her passing. But sadness isn’t what I feel. I feel so lucky to have known her. To have had her help in raising me. I’m happy that she left when she was ready and she did it quickly without suffering much. I love the idea that my grandma has her friend to chat with again now. And I now have her example. To follow always – to live life to the fullest, no matter what.

We’ll miss you Tante Rita.

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